The Amazing Adventures of Captain Maloneum: The Pinnacle of Masculinity

Hello.
Here I am, playing this weird game that nobody recommended me after being tempted by the disturbing menu screen.
I will start this review with the rating, for a change: if you take this game seriously it is a 2, if you take this work as a joke game it's 3, so I chose a middle ground of 2.5 but for the reasons I will soon explain.

Ok. Uhm, are you still here? Good!
In this game our alter ego and hero is Captain Maloneum: a brawny (and clearly homosexual) man that wears leathers and fights with... a dildo (oh yes. Even if it looks like a steak or chicken thigh, if you see the battler!), whose best friend is the "Happy Sailor" (I admit that at this point I expected a reference to the Village People)!
Captain Maloneum has the ability to pose, causing various effects: healing himself, buffing his allies, etc. The good thing is that posing does not cost magic points or mana, so he can heal outside of combat and avoid wasting consumables (not that you will need them at all!).
Our hero does not speak and can just giggle (looking also rather dumb), even if everyone seems to understand him. This may or may not be due to the accident that made him lose his memory and his airship. But a mysterious old man, "the gardener" will guide him through dreams towards the truth. And this is how the quest begins!


Oh, this investigator seems dumber than Dora the explorer!

This game is a weird adventure of exploration and combat, soon Captain Maloneum will meet some allies (that are optional but make the adventure more interesting, unlocking new quests and dialogues). These are:

Lane- A long haired young man that wears a trenchcoat and wields a gun. He's not ad tough as Maloneum, but his weapon is powerful. He's really smart and intelligent, so he can help in many quests.

Zhiguli- A female thief from an advanced civilization (that seems heavily inspired by the Fallout game series, since she wears a blue/yellow jumpsuit and is armed with a tribal knife). She can unlock doors and steal, but taking a certain choices will led her to become a mutant half man/half lizard (becoming the strongest party member also able to destroy boulders that block hidden paths, but also losing her thief abilities and human intelligence).

Ygmiar- A orc/elf/human/demon transexual sorcerer that is rather frail and can attack only with spells (thankfully besides various powerful Bolt spells she will learn a Drain spell that costs no mana but does little damage).


A girl faces a group of misfits... OR our heroes against a secret boss!

The nice thing is that these three characters (four if you consider that the second is in reality two different characters, with two personal sidequests) have each one a personal quest that may or may not be completed, leading to different (good or bad) endings. Same for the various settlements, that offers some optional quests (unlike our lucky main hero that has only one ending to the main quest, the happy ending, no matter what!). Of these questa I especially liked the "stealing" subquests that include one stealth part in which the rogue has to reach a treasure chest without being caught by the guards (she is invisible but moves slowly).

Ok, now the bad news: despite some good ideas the game isn't particularly thrilling for various reasons. Combat is dull and boring, Maloneum is sturdy but does not cause a lot of damage and has no special attacks. Consider that if mobs are weak, bosses have tons of hitpoints but are nearly unoffensive. Uh well, this is not a terrible thing considering that the party will be unstoppable (especially if Zhiguli becomes a mutant), just do not expect a real challenge.

Another problem are the maps. While not too terrible, most locations are large, empty and/or uninspiring, most charsets are rtp or ok edits, but do not expect anything more than this, even if there are worse games. Music is the same, all standard rmk tube and sounds, nothing new.


Please stop, old man! I feel uncomfortable!

And then there are some nuisances like typos, a couple of bugs on some optional quests (The Zhiguli and Lane quests are in fact bugged. I had to edit the events to enable them and complete their quests, anyway these are totally optional and won't block the main quest), and the absence of humor. Well...almost!
I mean, if words like "dildo" and "moron" will make you laugh, well I am happy for you, but I expected more. Then I found the investigator quest and that made me laugh a lot! Unfortunately for the most part the game is just weird and totally random nonsense.

Still, there are some cool features, like an empty and abandoned building that can be bought and converted into a bar. This opens a small quest to hire dancers, print flyers and improve the place to earn money. You also get a bedroom upstairs with a gallery that lists all the deeds completed by Captain Maloneum (like becoming champion of the arena).

Verdict
Ok, it's clear that this game was not made to be taken seriously, and some flaws were left on purpouse. It's probably one of the first game of the author and despite the various issues, it has even some redeeming qualities, like the different choices and endings (even if the lack of background to the descriptions made them almost unreadable!).
It's not a really fun game (despite some genuinely funny moments like the investigation or the stealth parts) but it's not a terrible game either.

I liked how some quests and actions can be performed only with some characters in the team (Maloneum is basically a dumb idiot that cannot even speak, despite being revered as a hero by everyone), even if this means reloading or replaying the game if you want to experience the 100% of the game (I am not sure you would want that but...I did. Uhm ok) because completing the personal quests of the companions make them leave the party. Forever. So, to unlock everything you have to take a sort of "true path" performing some actions in a precise order.

In the end I cannot recommend this game... BUT it is not as bad as I've read about it. 2.5 is the perfect middle ground, not good enough to get the average 3, but not a terrible or unplayable game.