It was a special season in RMN Land;
For Christmas was once again in hand.

A magical time that filled all the developers hearts with cheer;
While they filled their livers with gluten-free beer.

But there was one developer who would have none of that;
No, he’d sooner bite the head off a live rat.

A member whose name and posts would make people flinch;
It was Master of Mayhem, RMN’s personal Grinch.

He sat in his hovel, his face in a permanent sneer;
As he plotted on how he was going to ruin everything this year.

“Damn, I hate all this merriment” he thought to himself;
As he took some napalm down from the high shelf.

“What’s a guy got to do to get some quiet around here”?
“Maybe they’ll shut up if I sever somebody’s ear”?

But then one day, as he was trolling the Forum;
He came across something he hadn’t noticed before.

Amongst all the discussions, the advice and the banter;
Was a signup sheet to become a Secret Santa.

And then for some reason, no-one knows why;
In an out of character moment he decided to give it a try.

But mayhem didn’t know what was in store;
Because this wasn’t something he ever done before.

And to make matters worse he felt a bit miffed;
Because now he had to give Calunio a gift.

And it couldn’t be anything commercial or martial;
It had to be handmade, with love *blah* there goes my last meal.

But that wily Mayhem, he knew what to do;
He would find one of Calunio’s games to review.

But which one, oh that was the question;
For Calunio had compiled quite a collection.

Alvorada do Mal made him weak in his knees;
Because it was written completely in Portuguese.

Beautiful Escape was redundant to do;
For it already had a million reviews, plus two.

Puzzles games weren’t his thing, he wasn’t that sort of geek;
And how do you computerise hide and go seek?

So he thought he’d look for a game made a long time ago;
Something obscure to satisfy his massive ego.

And he saw a game whose concept made him curious;
And loudly he proclaimed “I’m reviewing Vampiros!”

The Basics:
Game Type: Vampire themed JRPG
Length: 2 to 3 hours
Difficulty: Moderate – hard in the last bit.
Defining Phrase: N/A being a secret Santa and everything. Helpfully Calunio will be kind enough to submit one afterwards.

Story:
Before we begin I’d just like to say;
That I hate vampires in every conceivable way.

Ever since Buffy they’ve been overused;
And now there entire concept is just abused.

People just throw them in now for some cheep sex appeal;
They’ve become bigger whores than Ally McBeal.

And things have gotten worse with the whole Twilight craze;
What happened to the dignified count of Bram Stokers days?

I’ve had it up to here with vampires, that’s it, I’m done;
At least shooting zombies in the head for the moment is still fun.

Anyway, our hero is a vampire called Alef, though I use the term lightly;
He’s a blood-sucking asshole and not at all knightly.

He lives in Vampire University, whose halls Alef dose lurk;
Wait, a school for vampires how does that work?

Do they go there to learn to use their blood powers?
Isn’t that the sort of thing that would only take a couple of hours?

Perhaps they teach them how to sneak though the dark;
Or at least how to avoid taking a stake through the heart.

Regardless, the schools population is in recession;
Because everyone else is at the annual vampire convention.

So Alef takes the time to meet his friend named Calunio;
Gee I wonder who he’s supposed to represent, I couldn’t guess who.

As it happens Calunio found an important book;
And he suggests Alef go take a look.

Because its contents unravels the mystery;
Of the Vampires and their forgotten history.

It’s based on an old myth, that many believe;
That Lilith was Adam’s first wife and not Eve.

Her banishment from Eden however was a bit rough;
She got kicked out because Adam complained she wasn’t submissive enough.

So it appears that in this mythology;
Adam’s name is synonymous with misogyny.

So God gave him Eve who was more demure;
Nice one Adam, how’d that work out for you?

Now Lilith had three children while she was in hell;
Hey if you’re already dammed you might as well.

The first one was Dracula, what a surprise;
Is there anything with vampires that doesn’t reference this guy?

The second is Fafnir the father of monsters and beasts;
And finally Lilas, who on the souls of humans she feasts.

The three created their own vampires broods;
Which resulted in the Kindred, Garou and Sluaghs.

But then, for some reason, Lilith just vanished to some other dimension.
And since then her three children have been fighting for their mother’s attention.

But according to legend if any vampire was to reach the matron;
They would receive some of Lilith’s power as a gift from their patron.

And if Alef can find Lilith he believes she can answer:
If being a Vampire's anything more than a cancer.

And so Alef and Calunio set out on their quest;
To find the three original vampires, that is their test.

After all those three have been looking for Lilith to the point of obsession;
But will they help you at all? That is the question.

Fortunately on their journey two gain some aid;
Form some other PC to help on the crusade.

Vykos an undead lion… thing, of great battle prowess.
And Liane the typical shallow love interest.

There is also Dalton a villain you meet;
A recurring challenger that doesn’t know when he’s beat.

The characterisation is simple, but it’s there;
And in a game this short that’s more than fair.

And the story is told well, right from the start;
It even gets surprisingly tragic in one part.

So in this regard the game is quite good;
I thoroughly enjoyed it, more than I should.


Aesthetics (graphics/sound/mapping):
The tile sets chosen are dark and meant to fill you with fear;
Very appropriate for a gothic horror atmosphere.

Most rooms however are large, and fill the whole screen;
A sign these were made when Calunio’s skills weren’t so keen.

Though to be fair the maps aren’t terrible;
They're not great, but they are bearable.

The sound, they're all Midis, though none are bad I figure;
Even though half the songs are from Chrono Trigger.

And that’s about it, there’s not a whole lot to touch;
Though I think I enjoyed the title them a little too much.


Gameplay:
The battles in Vampiros are standard RTP fair;
There’s nothing surprising to take you unaware.

And the exploration is typical, go here, go there;
And murder everything in your path without a care.

The characters will all learn a variety of skills;
As they gain Exp from there countless kills.

Many skills infect conditions as well as do damage;
Which is extremely useful when you need an advantage.

This is especially true of Liane’s Curse attack;
It’s more debilitating than a kick to the ball sack.

Interestingly in this game there aren’t any shops;
So if you want healing items you have to rely on enemy drops.

This sort of thing causes the game to drag;
While you grind on enemies to get more Blood Bags.

Fortunately most random encounters are a breeze;
Most fall down to a strong enough sneeze.

The bosses on the other hand, now they're a treat;
They’ll beat you harder than a bear in heat.

It’s a challenge to quell the violent dispositions;
Good thing they’re all vulnerable to status conditions.

Blind, Confusion, Sleep, Silence they all work well;
And you’ll need them otherwise the boss will send you straight to hell.

The last boss especially, man she is a bitch;
She’s more aggravating than an unreachable itch.

That battle is more of a trial of perdition;
The entire thing one giant luck based mission.

So if don’t want to be as dead as the carrer of Steve Baldwin;
My advice is to spam Darkness and stock up on Haemoglobin.


Final Verdict:
So what can I say about this little adventure;
I hate to say it, but I had fun on this venture.

Yes the gameplay was typical, and the plot wasn’t too deep;
But the story was well written and that counts for a heap.

There are some design decisions I would have liked Calunio to drop;
Like how if you answerer certain questions wrong you get killed on the spot.

But everything conceded the game was quite fine.
There are worse ways you could spend your time.

And I especially like the bit at the end:
A touching moment to an old friend.

It’s a fun little game I far as I can see;
So there you go, three and a half stars from me.

And with that said and done I’d just like to yell;
Screw your merry little Christmas, you can all go to hell!