Goblin Noir: Cement Shoes are Highly Unfashionable

The only redeeming feature of this bizarre, stilted game was the logic-puzzle-like battle system, which would be a bigger plus if there were more than literally three actual battles. The other fights are the tutorial battle at the start of the game and the so-called "boss" battle that is unlosable. There's also a "battle" which is autowon with the use of an item and so doesn't actually involve the system. The levels, money, and experience points are completely meaningless. They serve literally no purpose. I don't think a single battle after the tutorial actually required me to drain the opponent's HP to zero, so I'm not sure what the point of the HP bar was, either.

The disjointed elements of the game were so all over the place it's hard to even know where to start when trying to discuss them. The premise of the game is simple enough-- in a 1920s-ish setting, you're a gangster who shows up late to a job only to find the dead bodies of your gangmates. The Boss says if you don't figure out what happened, it's off with your head. Okay. In theory, the gameplay should be similar to something like Happy Birthday-- a fun, short mystery where you hunt down clues.

But you don't actually do that. There's one clue, total, which you get in the opening-- it's shining obviously on the ground at the entrance to the very first map (there are three maps total, five if you count the sidewalks outside the first and second maps). There's a grand total of one item you get from an NPC, and two people you have to talk to in the single location you go to investigate after the opening in order to completely investigate the mystery.

As I said, there are, if I'm being generous, three battles that actually require you to use the system and strategize, plus two not-battles where your ability to use the fight system is irrelevant, one where you use an item to autowin, and an un-losable "boss" battle. Actually, here, let me outline them:

Guard - Tutorial
Bouncer - He just randomly stopped the battle and let me in after a certain amount of time while his HP bar was near full.
Femme Fatale - Actual battle
Professor - Actual battle, though after a certain point you can't lose
Mafioso - Use an item to autowin
Boss - Can't lose

That's literally all of the gameplay. The description claims it's an "RPG/Visual Novel," which is presumably the author's go-to deflection for there being so little actual play, but this isn't a visual novel in any sense of the term. I mean, when you go talk to characters there's dialogue and scene transitions have a few lines worth of voiceover, but if that's all it takes for something to be considered a VN, literally every RPG ever is also a VN. This isn't a VN, it's just an incredibly bare-bones game.

Anyway, the plot at least makes sense until the game starts shouting GOBLINS ELVES DWARVES MAGIC at the top of its lungs. I assumed that everyone in this game was goblins, which is a gimmick, but whatever, cute enough. But it turns out there are multiple fantasy races-- even though we only ever see two-- and magic we never get to use and this really, really awkward attempt to put in a Very Special Lesson about racism... it's just a mess. It's like the game wanted all the cool stuff from a big RPG without actually putting any of the effort in to create a full RPG, so it reads like the author just put in whatever cool element they thought of at the moment, with no backstory whatsoever. This backfires, badly, because this game is, generously, about 30 minutes long, and with all the new elements that keep coming up you assume they're going to be explored, and then the game just ends. It would have changed nothing to have it in a real-world setting (the final battle was inane anyway since you couldn't lose, so nothing is lost by removing the magic element, and all the rock magic guy had to be was a mildly competent archaeologist to tell you where the debris was from), and it would have kept expectations realistic.

Then there's the fact that you don't actually get to solve the mystery. After the only map where you get to do anything, you're carted away to the final map by the bad guy, where he shows up, the PC acts all surprised, and then you kill him and the game ends. None of the clues or info actually matter in finding out who did it, because it's a random NPC who just shows up and announces his evil plan, and then he dies. Roll credits.

It was one of those times I was just thinking... this can't actually be where it ends, can it?

The game also had some... issues. For one, yes, in the past women were treated even worse than they are now and called "broads" all the time. I get it. Yay sexism, it's so fun to experience we should put it in video games, that would be hilarious. As has been said, just because something is based on a historical time period doesn't mean you're blood-bound to include people acting like sexist idiots. You just end up implying that this is how the world works-- even when orcs goblins magic elves, women will still be treated like dirt. Also women are airheads who only care about clothes and will literally risk their lives to prevent their outfit from getting dirty. Thanks, that's really fun escapism for me.

The other thing... so one of the very, very few NPCs you actually talk to for any amount of time is a woman whose talking to you is contingent on you letting her buy you a drink. The PC, Shiela, is a female goblin, and the woman you're talking to is obviously a lesbian. Shiela spends the entire battle shouting "NO HOMO" at the top of her lungs. At first it was just eye-roll-y, but it quickly got... uncomfortable. Like, okay, everyone understands, you're not gay, which apparently would be horrible so you have to keep reminding everyone over and over NOT GAY. She even gives the, "Well, maybe you just haven't found the right man yet," spiel. It's bad.

Which brings us to positives. The art was cute. A little MS-Paint-y, but it worked.

The diamond in a rough here, though, is the battle system. It's tempting, when doing a logic- or conversation-based system to just sub out attacks for verbal terms, leaving it basically being a reskinned RPG with no creativity outside the initial idea. That's not what happens here-- the battling is completely divorced from typical RPG fare (though that again begs the question of why things like HP and Exp were put in).

The idea is to Chat with opponents until you figure out who they are and what their mental/emotional weaknesses might be, and then use Special "attacks" such as Flirt, Sass, or Joke to wear them down or confuse them. The idea is wonderful, and it's really a logic puzzle-- based on what this person is saying, can you pin down their "weakness" before they get yours? It's even implemented surprisingly well.

The problem is that it sees virtually no use, and because the dev wanted to make use of each battle option, it's too clear how to win each one ("Well, I haven't used "Intimidate" yet, so that's probably going to be my best bet here). It's frustrating, because I really wanted to play around with it. I wanted puzzles to figure out and more types of dialogue to wear people down with. I wanted to enjoy it! But it's just not really a big enough game to make effective use of it, so instead of making the game more enjoyable it becomes another point of frustration.

One way around this would have been to do what Last Word, a game everyone should play if you haven't, did-- make people re-battleable as many times as you want, so you could explore different strategies. But the game is too small to be conducive to that right now-- the only battles are the story ones that have to be won a certain way, and that way is way too obvious each time.

This got long, but TLDR: Interesting battle system that was completely squandered via its inclusion in a random, bare-bones game that lacked any cohesion or depth.