RELATIONS WITH THE GENDER OF YOUR PREFERENCE

This is an interesting little topic. I am going to add my two cents.

First of all, on the initial subject of that dreaded friend zone, I completely know the feeling. I've been in the friend zone with everyone I've ever met ever, for almost the entirety of my life. My boyfriend reassures me that this is because I've always been in some kind of long-term relationship or another, but I've also never been asked out. So basically I agree with whoever said that you should present yourself as an option, because if you bite the bullet and ask people out then you plant the seed that you aren't just a friend. However, if you HAVE bit the bullet and asked them out and they can't see you as anything more than a friend, c'est la vie, I know this feeling too, from both angles. It's best to move on from that spot because sometimes you just know a person too well and can't think of them romantically anymore.

Anyway, in terms of my relationships with the fairer sex, I am one, but I have also been blessed to for one brief year share the love that dare not speak its name (*compliments to Mr. Wilde). I was a devoted partner who showered my dear with trinkets and little notes. Alas, it was not to be, but this was DEFINITELY the cleanest breakup I've ever had. One day, we were together, then we both decided it couldn't continue, and went to being friends immediately. There was some residual stuff, sure, but it was basically a nonissue.

Every boyfriend I've ever had I've asked out. The only way to get something done is to do it yourself. I never understood the slews of people who were convinced that never telling someone their true feelings was the surest way of winning them over. Then again, there is a huge difference between being desperate and, "I am interested in you, would you like to __________?"

I can sort of understand what Suzu is saying, so perhaps it is a girl thing. In my younger years especially I was of the mindset that dating is useless unless you can feature being with that person for the rest of your life. I was often really quick to leap headfirst into love and commitment, which explains why none of my last three relationships have lasted any shorter than two years. I was definitely convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life with the person I was with, and I didn't see the need to date casually because for women, the end result of relationships are "supposed" to be marriage. It's like we're bred with that ingrained in our skulls.

It only took me until recently to see the other side of things, which is that yes, sometimes casual sex is probably great and an experience people should have. What I truly miss is that I never experienced the single life, or what Feld described, going to dinner with someone whose company you find enjoyable. I've always been so serious about settling down that I missed the "fun" part.

However, I would have no real qualms if the man I love proposed to me in the next year, provided we were both on our way to being able to make a life together in the most pragmatic sense.

author=Max McGee link=topic=2473.msg44905#msg44905 date=1226948030
Wow, Sam has posted his entire romantic history! That was probably unwise in some way (I sure felt it would be unwise of me to post mine!) so I'll absolve him of the mistake by not reading it. :)

I'm not the typical girl here, but I think you misunderstand somewhat.I wouldn't date someone I didn't feel could be my best friend first. *shrug* I never dated a complete stranger. First off, if we didn't like the same things and couldn't bond like friends, what the hell was I going to do on a date with this guy? I don't talk very well to people I don't know in person, and that's the best way of breaking the ice and KEEPING IT OPEN. People always wonder how to break the ice, but they never remember that the ice needs to stay open for a relationship to continue... I don't understand those movies that deal with guys in the "friend zone", really. I have guy friends, yeah, but save Asa - all my guy friends are the same.

Are you guys just wanting to get busy, or are you looking for a meaningful relationship? Because if you're just wanting sex, I won't bother giving you any advice. It's wrong to the female gender unless you have something I want, I can be bribed and I want plushies of my favorite game characters! no matter how much I don't really like 'em as a whole.

And don't doubt the power of online, either, because I have had wonderful things happen because of online relationships. <3 Then again, I've only really had two serious relationships, and the second one I married.

*scoots out of the topic*

Was going to make a lot of posts quoting suzuricho underlining how much I totally disagree with the generalizations she's making about girls and trying to provide counterexamples bla bla bla. But I really don't want to take the time so let me just say:

Casual sex is great.

Relationship sex is great.

Sex between random drunken strangers at a party is great.

As long as it's consnensual, as long as it's safe, all sex is great, unless it's bad sex which is a different topic!

Often girls just want sex. As much or moreso than guys. (And if something is psychologically wrong with someone to make them not want sex, it is just as likely to be a guy as a girl.)

It wasn't until I was 20 that I realized, hey, girls are just as horny as we are, but it was a pretty big ideological anvil to fall on my head.

It is a ridiculous stereotype (and one that often benefits girls) that girls innately don't want sex or always want serious relationships. I guess it benefits guys too because it cushions them from the fact that no, rico suave, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

Most girls I've liked I've never approached because I knew I was not physically attractive enough to get with them and I was probably right. Every girl I've dated I ALSO thought was much, much too hot for me and I was right but through some ridiculous loophole in the spacetime continuum, they dated me anyway.

author=suzuricho link=topic=2473.msg44865#msg44865 date=1226912256
I see. I have never had any confidence to speak of, unless it is gaming related. I'm a total geek/nerd/bookworm what have you. I was the one that the kids made fun of my entire career as a student in public schools, and I've never had the feeling that "if they don't want me, it's their loss". I invested time and emotion with that relationship. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone at that time. What's the point of investing the time in someone if they're going to leave you eventually? No, man. I have very serious abandonment issues (you can ask Asa about 'em), and I'm OCD about a lot (then negligent about everything else). Could you believe I'm 22 and if I didn't have my baby, I'd still need a plushie to sleep with even though I share a bed with the man I share my life with? Most of the time I'm just pushed away instead of someone trying to understand my quirks.

It's not an excuse or a crutch, it just makes normal life as most people see it more than a chore. I think if I explained my personal background a bit more, then you might understand a little better why I think the way I do.

I won't harp on it because I'm sure you know but the text I've selected suzu, completely explains your discomfort with casual sex/dating from a psychosocial perspective. In short your point of view is indeed very unlikely to apply to other girls, not that there's anything wrong with that.

There is a lot more to it, but yes.

Here's a real piece of my childhood: My father did not respect women and cheated on every woman he ever dated and married. I was raised by a man (as my parents got divorced when I was 8) that showed me the ins and outs of lying to very nice people, fooling them with sweet talk and then planting my ass in front of a TV with my SNES when he managed to reach his goal... *shrug* This made me fearful of people in general. People who seemed to be very nice could be very sneaky.

I still don't make real friends easily, and it made me hard to even talk to when still single. Plus who picks up girls in the manga section of the library reading overly cute shoujo AKA Cardcaptor Sakura? XD Or the handheld section of the local Gamestop? You guys don't look at girls out of high school buying the newest Pokemon title, do you? Doubtful. I'm not the typical guy's target by any strech of the imagination. I resigned myself to that and stuck to my escape, my gaming. At least I could adventure in gaming, see stories books never write about, and feel free of being that outcast. In an RPG, I'm not me - I'm the hero of that story. *shrug*

I was hit on a bit more in college, though. Mostly by chicks that thought I was a lesbian (that stinging quote "only guys play video games!" which I have hated since I can remember).

The best description I ever heard for the Friend Zone:
"It's like going to a job interview, and being told that you have a great CV, and they really like you as a person. But they're not going to hire you. Instead, they're going to hire someone who's less qualified and possibly an alcoholic too.

However, they will ring you to complain about when said alcoholic doesn't work out. But they still won't hire you. Instead they'll use you as their base for comparison, and hire another arsehole, again less suited for the job than you. But never, ever, you."

Seriously, if you're in the Friend Zone, there's only one way out. Straight forward honesty. And if they shoot you down, they shoot you down. Don't think you can work on it a bit and ask them again later - because you can't. No means no.

Nick, after ten years I would seriously just try to move on.

author=NoblemanNick link=topic=2473.msg45079#msg45079 date=1226968691
Want heartbreak, I've been in love with this girl, much like Chaos described in his first post, black hair, very cute etc. But although other girls have caught my attention she's always been the one I really like no matter what, although there is I like, this is probably I love this girl. But I'm stuck in the friend zone, ten years been in love with this girl.

you're 15 now. You're SERIOUSLY going to tell me you've been in love with her since you were FIVE? I call bullshit.

author=halibabica link=topic=2473.msg45120#msg45120 date=1226973154
Suzuricho, the similarities between you and I are uncanny. Your perspective of what relationships are and/or should be match mine to the letter! We're even the same age! o.O

I also fit into this category. Maybe it's because I've never had sex before, but I simply don't see the point in getting together with someone just for the physical gratification. It just seems too shallow!

And you're 22 and you... well, it's commendable that you're saving yourself, but have you not tried asking someone out? I know a lot of people believe the "right one" will just come to them and all, but one look at our divorce ratio should dispell that notion quick.

And...wait, before I go on, are you a male or a female?

Another common feeling after having sex for the first time is "that's it?"

Really? That wasn't...the case for me. Dare I say you had...bad sex?

That wasn't the case for me, either.

You probably need more passion in your sex sessions? More POW and less "i'm done", perhaps?

author=Asalieri link=topic=2473.msg45299#msg45299 date=1227016996
That wasn't the case for me, either.

You probably need more passion in your sex sessions? More POW and less "i'm done", perhaps?

Again, I've had good sex and bad sex, and I don't think saying sex is overrated is saying "I've only had bad sex."

yeah i totally love it when i get my bone on with a girl while I bone her with my boner