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MY GIRLFRIEND IS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
Posts
Feldschlacht IV
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CloseI'm not even going to get into how fundementally wrong this statement is, but trust, me, it's wrong.
It's not a law of nature, no, but I agree with Kaempfer that it is rare for a guy to be friends with an attractive female without any sexual/romantic/etc thoughts coming to mind, ever.
You can do one of two things. Follow the already adviced "move on"
or, and this will probably be hard from what I'm reading,
Don't Do Anything.
I've been the jeolous type before, and trust me it's not attractive. The best thing you can do is slack a bit on affection, enough that she wants it more, or at least not work yourself up about something that's probably nothing.
I talked to my sister about this once; and she made it pretty easy to understand. Yes, guys hit on her all the time, and yes sometimes she flirts with them... But she always goes home to the man she loves, and it is nothing ever more than a confidence boost. It makes people feel good to know that people find them attractive. It doesn't mean that they'll turn around and start fucking other people.
If, and this is a stretch honestly, she dumps you for the yoga douche, let her go, don't bare a grudge and call her a bitch, just let her go. We all have needs, and it's impossible to control who we like.
For now, she's your booty call, not yogamaster's. So get it on and relish in the fun.
or, and this will probably be hard from what I'm reading,
Don't Do Anything.
I've been the jeolous type before, and trust me it's not attractive. The best thing you can do is slack a bit on affection, enough that she wants it more, or at least not work yourself up about something that's probably nothing.
I talked to my sister about this once; and she made it pretty easy to understand. Yes, guys hit on her all the time, and yes sometimes she flirts with them... But she always goes home to the man she loves, and it is nothing ever more than a confidence boost. It makes people feel good to know that people find them attractive. It doesn't mean that they'll turn around and start fucking other people.
If, and this is a stretch honestly, she dumps you for the yoga douche, let her go, don't bare a grudge and call her a bitch, just let her go. We all have needs, and it's impossible to control who we like.
For now, she's your booty call, not yogamaster's. So get it on and relish in the fun.
It's not like it doesn't work in reverse. I suppose it comes down to whether you act on those impulses or not.
Yeah, it's a tricky situation. Though jeolousy is a big green monster. If you're snooping through her text messages and looking through her massage schedule... the big green monster is present. You really need to relax. Imagine if you will, some hot yoga-girl who plays the flute rather well started sending you pictures of herself and secretly scheduled meetings with you.
How would you act toward your gf? If you told her upfront, from the sounds of it (again), she would be in a rage like you seem to be about this guy.
But wouldn't it just be great to have those pictures and a female friend? It wouldn't be like you were cheating on her, you just want another person to talk to or WHATEVER. It's probably just that.
How would you act toward your gf? If you told her upfront, from the sounds of it (again), she would be in a rage like you seem to be about this guy.
But wouldn't it just be great to have those pictures and a female friend? It wouldn't be like you were cheating on her, you just want another person to talk to or WHATEVER. It's probably just that.
post=114361
It's not like it doesn't work in reverse. I suppose it comes down to whether you act on those impulses or not.
I'm sure it does work in reverse. The whole "whoops I accidentally had sex with my 'friend'!" isn't exactly an uncommon scenario at all.
Oh, also what I'm getting at is that by being the "big green monster" the undesirable jeolous guy, you're only making yoga-san look good. It's hard (believe me) to learn not to act on the jeolousy. It's good to be a little bit jeolous... because she is with you afterall, but not to the extent of looking through txts. That just makes you feel worse--which will only make you act worse.
That's what I call the "end of relationship" scenario.
post=114364post=114361I'm sure it does work in reverse. The whole "whoops I accidentally had sex with my 'friend'!" isn't exactly an uncommon scenario at all.
It's not like it doesn't work in reverse. I suppose it comes down to whether you act on those impulses or not.
That's what I call the "end of relationship" scenario.
post=114364post=114361I'm sure it does work in reverse. The whole "whoops I accidentally had sex with my 'friend'!" isn't exactly an uncommon scenario at all.
It's not like it doesn't work in reverse. I suppose it comes down to whether you act on those impulses or not.
...You just agreed with me.
post=114366
Oh, also what I'm getting at is that by being the "big green monster" the undesirable jeolous guy, you're only making yoga-san look good. It's hard (believe me) to learn not to act on the jeolousy. It's good to be a little bit jeolous... because she is with you afterall, but not to the extent of looking through txts. That just makes you feel worse--which will only make you act worse.
But like WIP said, brandon isn't just concerned about the fact that this guy exists, he also read some texts/mail/correspondence/etc that according to him, proves his suspicions. Keeping your cool and bravado and waiting it out is all fine and good, but if they're sending messages that consist of "OH BOY I WISH YOU WERE HERE RIGHT NOW TO *INSERT APPENDAGE INTO ORIFICE*" then it's really not that simple as 'heh its just the green monster taking me over'.
...You just agreed with me.
I know. Every response doesn't have to be an argument around here, you know...
If yoga boy and his girlfriend ended up sleeping together; end of the relationship we're talking about?
I guess I don't know the extent of what's going on. All I can take from this is too much detective work, which leads me to believe that the jeolousy has been a lingering and present force during the majority of the relationship.
If she's worth it, things have to change. Maybe yoga boy really is a huge problem? I don't know enough about the people involved to comment.
I guess I don't know the extent of what's going on. All I can take from this is too much detective work, which leads me to believe that the jeolousy has been a lingering and present force during the majority of the relationship.
If she's worth it, things have to change. Maybe yoga boy really is a huge problem? I don't know enough about the people involved to comment.
If yoga boy and his girlfriend ended up sleeping together; end of the relationship we're talking about?
Oh, I wasn't referring to brandons situation in reference to what I said. I just meant in general where two friends (who are not in relationships) end up sleeping together/fooling around/etc when they never thought they would/were just friends.
I guess I don't know the extent of what's going on. All I can take from this is too much detective work, which leads me to believe that the jeolousy has been a lingering and present force during the majority of the relationship. If she's worth it, things have to change. Maybe yoga boy really is a huge problem? I don't know enough about the people involved to comment.
He did flat out say the nature of the messages confirmed there was something going on. If we're taking brandons word at face value, it's not a matter of jealousy anymore.
deboo
85
Unfortunately, it doesn't look good. I'd say be as cool about it as you can, if you get angry at the girl/the guy, then the girl will be driven to the other guy.
The best thing you can do is either guilt trip the girl into staying with you in some way(but that's degrading for yourself) or just go with the flow. If she cheats on you than at least you can come out being the better man. It's a sucky situation.
The best thing you can do is either guilt trip the girl into staying with you in some way(but that's degrading for yourself) or just go with the flow. If she cheats on you than at least you can come out being the better man. It's a sucky situation.
captainregal
1356
post=114405
Unfortunately, it doesn't look good. I'd say be as cool about it as you can, if you get angry at the girl/the guy, then the girl will be driven to the other guy.
The best thing you can do is either guilt trip the girl into staying with you in some way(but that's degrading for yourself) or just go with the flow. If she cheats on you than at least you can come out being the better man. It's a sucky situation.
To a guy "At least me" when a girl cheats on you it makes you feel like he is the "better man". Thus why she cheated on you "me".
deboo
85
no way, that guy's always the sleazy one that got the girl by cheating because he has no morals.
in a way i see your point though, dayum.
in a way i see your point though, dayum.
Canuck
0
Wouldn't a serious straight talk solve everything? Mentioning you want to meet the dude and talk with him as well. Express you're worries, etc. Have breaking up as a card on the table everyone can see.
maladroithim
1495
Hey so a day or two has gone by and maybe there can be an update for this whole thing! I will tell you a story and answer all of your questions:
Yesterday, my girlfriend wasn't answering my text messages. I sent her several text messages throughout the day trying to figure out what was going on that night - I couldn't get ahold of her, of course. I assumed she was ignoring me; Yoguitar always visits her at school (maybe he doesn't have a job) so my paranoid mind made that connection. I made plans with friends, went out, had a truly massive sandwich and several tall orders of gin. Fun time.
Late in the evening, I checked my email. I noticed that she had sent me many angry emails accusing me of being out with another woman. I had not come home, after all. The emails from her had gotten progressively more and more angry. They culminated in a message informing me she was leaving me, would not be there when I got home, and wishing me that my affair was worth it.
So I rushed home (armed with the time-stamped receipt from TGI Fridays and a picture of me with my male buddy to assuage her fears). She was still home. She had not packed, but had drunk all of the wine. She was crying.
She was furious with me. I had not done anything, but she had gone so far in one direction that it was several hours before she could calm down (emotional intertia and all that).
So this episode revealed to me that there is a crazy cycle of insecurity going on. I am made insecure by this other guy who is way cooler than I am, which makes me paranoid, which in turn makes her paranoid, which makes me even more paranoid. We don't trust each other, but we probably care about each other or else we wouldn't worry so much.
However, she is a girly-girl so she refuses to really learn from this situation and understand that Yoguitar makes me feel the way that she felt last night. The other person is always wrong, after all - particularly when he is right. So I guess the episode did nothing to improve the situation.
Anyway so here are answers to your questions:
About contacting the guy: That was my plan, but I don't have any way to get in touch with him short of getting his number from her phone.
About my being nosey: That's kind of a policy in our apartment. She reads my text messages sometimes too (she started it). I used to get really angry, but eventually I decided that I shouldn't have anything to hide. It's very liberating when you know that you have no privacy and can't get away with anything. For example, I use my real name on the internet, so I am not shielded by a wall of anonymity.
About it being an innocent friendship: This is certainly not the case. They have known eachother for a week or two. This guy is hitting it hard and contacting her every day. I have game, too, and I know what he is doing. For example, within the week or two since they've met, he's gone in for several massages. They cost over $50 each, and he is in his early 20s (so he can't afford it) and he also does yoga (so I doubt that he actually needs therapeutic massages every day). The only problem is that the girl he met isn't single!
There is a small chance that it is innocent on her part, but not on his. She does not have many friends after all, and would like some new ones. However, like I said earlier, I know what game is and I know how to pick up a girl and this guy is doing all the things a guy does when he wants someone. I bet you each a month's salary that, if Yoguitar met someone else at the bar this weekend, he would not run to his platonic friend (my girlfriend) to excitedly tell her about the new girl he met. When a person makes a new platonic friend, the person have the sort of aggressive interaction that Yoguitar has with my girlfriend. Rather, new friends tend to chat relatively infrequently until they get close enough to share deep secrets.
What makes me worry about this so much is that I am boring. I am pretty attractive; I stay in shape, I dress well enough, am well-groomed, etc. I am somewhat charming. When I meet people, I make a good impression and they often like me. But I am also a government employee and a graduate student in a management program where I learn a lot about accounting, data centers, and human resources management. I don't play any instruments that aren't hooked up to my computer. And I love video games that have lots of numbers in them.
So, I am not really the cool guy that I feel can keep my 19-year-old girlfriend's interest. I feel insecure about how attractive I am to women under the age of 40. I was talking to WIP the other day about how well I would get along with a 40-year-old divorcee with several kids whose ex-husband was in a band. I am really confident that in the long run she or anyone else would be very happy settling down with me. However, I'm still the "nice guy" with all of its benefits and drawbacks in a relationship.
Yesterday, my girlfriend wasn't answering my text messages. I sent her several text messages throughout the day trying to figure out what was going on that night - I couldn't get ahold of her, of course. I assumed she was ignoring me; Yoguitar always visits her at school (maybe he doesn't have a job) so my paranoid mind made that connection. I made plans with friends, went out, had a truly massive sandwich and several tall orders of gin. Fun time.
Late in the evening, I checked my email. I noticed that she had sent me many angry emails accusing me of being out with another woman. I had not come home, after all. The emails from her had gotten progressively more and more angry. They culminated in a message informing me she was leaving me, would not be there when I got home, and wishing me that my affair was worth it.
So I rushed home (armed with the time-stamped receipt from TGI Fridays and a picture of me with my male buddy to assuage her fears). She was still home. She had not packed, but had drunk all of the wine. She was crying.
She was furious with me. I had not done anything, but she had gone so far in one direction that it was several hours before she could calm down (emotional intertia and all that).
So this episode revealed to me that there is a crazy cycle of insecurity going on. I am made insecure by this other guy who is way cooler than I am, which makes me paranoid, which in turn makes her paranoid, which makes me even more paranoid. We don't trust each other, but we probably care about each other or else we wouldn't worry so much.
However, she is a girly-girl so she refuses to really learn from this situation and understand that Yoguitar makes me feel the way that she felt last night. The other person is always wrong, after all - particularly when he is right. So I guess the episode did nothing to improve the situation.
Anyway so here are answers to your questions:
About contacting the guy: That was my plan, but I don't have any way to get in touch with him short of getting his number from her phone.
About my being nosey: That's kind of a policy in our apartment. She reads my text messages sometimes too (she started it). I used to get really angry, but eventually I decided that I shouldn't have anything to hide. It's very liberating when you know that you have no privacy and can't get away with anything. For example, I use my real name on the internet, so I am not shielded by a wall of anonymity.
About it being an innocent friendship: This is certainly not the case. They have known eachother for a week or two. This guy is hitting it hard and contacting her every day. I have game, too, and I know what he is doing. For example, within the week or two since they've met, he's gone in for several massages. They cost over $50 each, and he is in his early 20s (so he can't afford it) and he also does yoga (so I doubt that he actually needs therapeutic massages every day). The only problem is that the girl he met isn't single!
There is a small chance that it is innocent on her part, but not on his. She does not have many friends after all, and would like some new ones. However, like I said earlier, I know what game is and I know how to pick up a girl and this guy is doing all the things a guy does when he wants someone. I bet you each a month's salary that, if Yoguitar met someone else at the bar this weekend, he would not run to his platonic friend (my girlfriend) to excitedly tell her about the new girl he met. When a person makes a new platonic friend, the person have the sort of aggressive interaction that Yoguitar has with my girlfriend. Rather, new friends tend to chat relatively infrequently until they get close enough to share deep secrets.
What makes me worry about this so much is that I am boring. I am pretty attractive; I stay in shape, I dress well enough, am well-groomed, etc. I am somewhat charming. When I meet people, I make a good impression and they often like me. But I am also a government employee and a graduate student in a management program where I learn a lot about accounting, data centers, and human resources management. I don't play any instruments that aren't hooked up to my computer. And I love video games that have lots of numbers in them.
So, I am not really the cool guy that I feel can keep my 19-year-old girlfriend's interest. I feel insecure about how attractive I am to women under the age of 40. I was talking to WIP the other day about how well I would get along with a 40-year-old divorcee with several kids whose ex-husband was in a band. I am really confident that in the long run she or anyone else would be very happy settling down with me. However, I'm still the "nice guy" with all of its benefits and drawbacks in a relationship.
deboo
85
i think you answered your own question, you are insecure, she is insecure and that's the main problem you seem to face(aside from the other guy).
make an effort to keep her interested, she sounds like she's lonely. take her out, go somewhere you wouldn't usually go. if you feel like that's too much of an effort, she will drift away.
make an effort to keep her interested, she sounds like she's lonely. take her out, go somewhere you wouldn't usually go. if you feel like that's too much of an effort, she will drift away.
post=114447
What makes me worry about this so much is that I am boring. I am pretty attractive; I stay in shape, I dress well enough, am well-groomed, etc. I am somewhat charming.
I think your girlfriend prefers you being boring. If you are playing video games, or making music on your computer that's the guy she is used to. The guy who isn't playing games but goes out and gets a big ass sandwich and washes it down with gin is the one that makes her flip her damn mind. All the other insecurity things up there are shallow nonsense that doesn't matter in a relationship that has gone beyond 3 days.
Not every girl out there prefers some non-stop thrill ride - those people are a lot of work. Nobody ever knows what they want, but they're never confused about what they don't want. I don't think she'd be freaking out about you slamming another girl if she was seriously thinking of running away with a category 5 douchebag that resorts to picking up girls at massage parlors.
You two need to sit down and talk to each other though - your house sounds like that Mr. and Mrs. Smith movie.
