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What Is Everyone Smoking?
- bulmabriefs144
- 12/08/2016 02:54 AM
- 13538 views
So, here's the thing. I'm not necessarily going to agree with all of these other users. And that's okay, because I have my own standards. Every now and then, I have a craving to download a massive amount of games for playtesting. Of course, after wasting hours getting about 60 or so games, typically after only 5 minutes, I toss most of these into the trash. Yes, literally, 5 minutes. No, I'm not gonna put in screenshots because I figure any game that's good, I am still playing even after the review, and will not waste time scouting pictures, and if it didn't make the cut, I am not bothering adding pictures.
The most common reason? It's generic. I could compare hunting for games like picking flowers, there are a ton of ordinary flowers, but somewhere in the field there is one that stands out, either because it is good or very very bad.
Now, as I say, I have my own standards. What are these standards, you might ask? They are:
I will give examples of these. Some of the games I actually have played more than 5 minutes are Love And War (fairly original story and the character development is well flushed out, plus it's funny), Pocket Quest! (Pretty much all categories, and I don't even speak Italian/Portuguese), Touhou Wandering Souls (Visual Interest, Mechanics, and Repeatability thought to a Touhou outsider, the characters were weak), Sunset over Imdahl (visual interest & original story), Forever's End (original story, character development, and the mechanics).
Could I do this myself? No. I cannot paint like this. (Check)
Character Development? Yes. The first five minutes, we get a sense of what our main character is like just from the dad talking. The two supports are at odds with the traditional expectations of angels and demons.
Original Story? Well, not completely. It is vaguely reminiscent of Okami, but definitely not YET ANOTHER FREAKING demon attack or kingdom and castle adventure.
Mechanics? Well, I guess it has its own battle mechanics. I suppose this counts, as does the whole painting the world thing.
Visual Interest? Holy crap. It looks like they hand painted the opening credits. Oh, and I like the music.
If I had to critique anything to bring it short of a perfect five, here it is. The arrow in the battle diagram would be slightly less confusing if it said Weak, and pointed the other way.
It's been over 5 minutes. I'm still playing.
Update: I got to the point where there were a bunch of statues (the hero, the fat priest, the one based on your pet angel, the fountain, and a few others). I couldn't figure out how to continue, but I enjoyed it up to that point. The rock-paper-scissors nature of the battles was fun, and it not that difficult to figure out, the lever puzzles were fun and not terribly hard, and I found item drops just enough to be challenging. I liked the fact that your painter could be damaged with some mass spells, making you need to heal, but the challenge was also not insane (well, I chose the easier challenge rating). It was a good game, I'm marking it down only because it wasn't clear at the point I got what I was supposed to paint.
The most common reason? It's generic. I could compare hunting for games like picking flowers, there are a ton of ordinary flowers, but somewhere in the field there is one that stands out, either because it is good or very very bad.
Now, as I say, I have my own standards. What are these standards, you might ask? They are:
- Visual interest (does it look like every single other game out there or does it catch my eye)
- Mechanics (more than just pretty pictures, if the battles are using the default system, if it is in every way a typical top-down with no HUD, I'm already getting bored)
- Original Story (Does the story seem derivative or not?)
- Character Development (Regardless of whether I like the character in question, are they well developed?)
- Repeatability (This one is hard to define, think of it as "Could I make this game myself?")
I will give examples of these. Some of the games I actually have played more than 5 minutes are Love And War (fairly original story and the character development is well flushed out, plus it's funny), Pocket Quest! (Pretty much all categories, and I don't even speak Italian/Portuguese), Touhou Wandering Souls (Visual Interest, Mechanics, and Repeatability thought to a Touhou outsider, the characters were weak), Sunset over Imdahl (visual interest & original story), Forever's End (original story, character development, and the mechanics).
Could I do this myself? No. I cannot paint like this. (Check)
Character Development? Yes. The first five minutes, we get a sense of what our main character is like just from the dad talking. The two supports are at odds with the traditional expectations of angels and demons.
Original Story? Well, not completely. It is vaguely reminiscent of Okami, but definitely not YET ANOTHER FREAKING demon attack or kingdom and castle adventure.
Mechanics? Well, I guess it has its own battle mechanics. I suppose this counts, as does the whole painting the world thing.
Visual Interest? Holy crap. It looks like they hand painted the opening credits. Oh, and I like the music.
If I had to critique anything to bring it short of a perfect five, here it is. The arrow in the battle diagram would be slightly less confusing if it said Weak, and pointed the other way.
It's been over 5 minutes. I'm still playing.
Update: I got to the point where there were a bunch of statues (the hero, the fat priest, the one based on your pet angel, the fountain, and a few others). I couldn't figure out how to continue, but I enjoyed it up to that point. The rock-paper-scissors nature of the battles was fun, and it not that difficult to figure out, the lever puzzles were fun and not terribly hard, and I found item drops just enough to be challenging. I liked the fact that your painter could be damaged with some mass spells, making you need to heal, but the challenge was also not insane (well, I chose the easier challenge rating). It was a good game, I'm marking it down only because it wasn't clear at the point I got what I was supposed to paint.
Posts
So... you couldn't finish the game but decided to give it almost full stars even though it was impossible for you to complete? Definitely computes. :/
Also, you don't really say much more than "This is good, this is good, yeah this is good. I've been playing for longer than 5 minutes... 4.5 stars."
You don't even talk about the game much at all. You talk, instead, about lots of other games and how you don't like x or y in games than you do about this game. I dunno, this seems like you just made a review to counter the scores of previous reviews without actually bothering to write a proper review.
For faults you don't mention the parts where you can see the tilesets behind the graphics pasted on top or about how disingenous some of the puzzles are or how battles are highly unbalanced, which are all issues in the game. Then again, that seems to be the core issue in your review. You don't really say anything about the game.
You don't talk about the battle system at all or anything outside of the battle system like the puzzles or the story or the like. Anything you do touch on is a one-liner that boils down to "It's just good just cos" and "yeah, i like this" or "I can't do this so it's good".
This is a pretty meh review, sorry. Perhaps go back and add some extra information about what you liked about the game giving examples and why they work. I mean, I get that you like the game but you haven't really told us what you liked about it really.
As it stands, it reads as more of a reactionary review to pump the score up after arguing against the lower stars it got from other reviewers. Overall I give this review 2/5 stars.
Also, you don't really say much more than "This is good, this is good, yeah this is good. I've been playing for longer than 5 minutes... 4.5 stars."
You don't even talk about the game much at all. You talk, instead, about lots of other games and how you don't like x or y in games than you do about this game. I dunno, this seems like you just made a review to counter the scores of previous reviews without actually bothering to write a proper review.
For faults you don't mention the parts where you can see the tilesets behind the graphics pasted on top or about how disingenous some of the puzzles are or how battles are highly unbalanced, which are all issues in the game. Then again, that seems to be the core issue in your review. You don't really say anything about the game.
You don't talk about the battle system at all or anything outside of the battle system like the puzzles or the story or the like. Anything you do touch on is a one-liner that boils down to "It's just good just cos" and "yeah, i like this" or "I can't do this so it's good".
This is a pretty meh review, sorry. Perhaps go back and add some extra information about what you liked about the game giving examples and why they work. I mean, I get that you like the game but you haven't really told us what you liked about it really.
As it stands, it reads as more of a reactionary review to pump the score up after arguing against the lower stars it got from other reviewers. Overall I give this review 2/5 stars.
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Liberty, your review of this review does a good job of pointing out its deficiencies. Your critiques are well-explained and accurate, but I have to say that I found the snarkiness a little off-putting. I also think that any review of a review needs to have a rating system in place, so I'm going to have to deduct some points. Here's my review of your review review:
Content: 5/5
Tone/Politeness: 3/5
Validity of Rating System: 0/5 (mostly N/A, but I'm a slave to the rules)
Audio: 2/5 (I read everything you said in Magilla Gorilla's voice, and it didn't really fit at all. That's probably on me, though. I've been watching too much Hanna-Barbera lately)
Overall: 2.5/5
Keep in mind that this is a statistical average, and you lost a lot of points for not having a rating system, so this was actually a good review review--it's just not up to my personal standards.
Content: 5/5
Tone/Politeness: 3/5
Validity of Rating System: 0/5 (mostly N/A, but I'm a slave to the rules)
Audio: 2/5 (I read everything you said in Magilla Gorilla's voice, and it didn't really fit at all. That's probably on me, though. I've been watching too much Hanna-Barbera lately)
Overall: 2.5/5
Keep in mind that this is a statistical average, and you lost a lot of points for not having a rating system, so this was actually a good review review--it's just not up to my personal standards.
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Good thing I edited out the extra snark that was in there originally then. XD
Can I get an update review of my review? I edited it to make it a little better, review-wise. And try using Kermit the Frog's voice to read it this time! >.<)b
Can I get an update review of my review? I edited it to make it a little better, review-wise. And try using Kermit the Frog's voice to read it this time! >.<)b
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That actually, totally works!
Liberty
And try using Kermit the Frog's voice to read it this time! >.<)b
That actually, totally works!
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Reviews. Sir Winston Churchill once said, "Oy, get that bloody slag out of here or the missus'll 'ave me bollocks!" Scholars throughout the ages have debated the meaning of this venerable man's venerable quote, but I think it's obvious: he was making a profound statement about the quality of reviews and the need of people to police those reviews, and then, in turn, for people to police those review reviews.
We should only be constrained by our wildest dreams. That's what I felt when reading Liberty's revised review review of Painted Heart. In my wildest dream I take a bite of a framed picture of my mother and then all my teeth fall out.
Content: 5/5
Give love, and you shall receive love in return, and then the angels will sing upon the highest mountain.
~Queen Latifah
Liberty's tone comes with the sharp crack of the whip. But, from that whip--the sting of love. Her burning desire to improve the community comes with every snarky jab. But, will the original reviewer feel love, or will he feel pain, much like what one feels when being whipped with an actual whip?
Tone/Politeness: 3/5
I can count to five, can I not? Am I not human? Am I not alive? If you're a speak n' spell, the answer is a resounding no, I'm afraid. But a speak n' spell can't give a numerical review, and certainly not one as judicious as Liberty's.
Validity of Rating System: 5/5
Hey, welcome to Fraggle Rock, I'm a fraggle!
~Kermit the Frog
Sorry, I'm still reading this as Magilla Gorilla; I really can't get that classic ape's classic japes out of my brain.
Audio: 2/5
This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done.
~Stephen Hawking while coming up with some science garbage
A perfect score is a rarity. A true gem. That's why I haven't given one today. But, that's not to say that Liberty's review review was bad. No. It was transcendent. I can only imagine that the fault lies with me, somehow, for I am just man, and man is imperfect.
Overall: 3.5/5
Reviews. Sir Winston Churchill once said, "Oy, get that bloody slag out of here or the missus'll 'ave me bollocks!" Scholars throughout the ages have debated the meaning of this venerable man's venerable quote, but I think it's obvious: he was making a profound statement about the quality of reviews and the need of people to police those reviews, and then, in turn, for people to police those review reviews.
We should only be constrained by our wildest dreams. That's what I felt when reading Liberty's revised review review of Painted Heart. In my wildest dream I take a bite of a framed picture of my mother and then all my teeth fall out.
Content: 5/5
Give love, and you shall receive love in return, and then the angels will sing upon the highest mountain.
~Queen Latifah
Liberty's tone comes with the sharp crack of the whip. But, from that whip--the sting of love. Her burning desire to improve the community comes with every snarky jab. But, will the original reviewer feel love, or will he feel pain, much like what one feels when being whipped with an actual whip?
Tone/Politeness: 3/5
I can count to five, can I not? Am I not human? Am I not alive? If you're a speak n' spell, the answer is a resounding no, I'm afraid. But a speak n' spell can't give a numerical review, and certainly not one as judicious as Liberty's.
Validity of Rating System: 5/5
Hey, welcome to Fraggle Rock, I'm a fraggle!
~Kermit the Frog
Sorry, I'm still reading this as Magilla Gorilla; I really can't get that classic ape's classic japes out of my brain.
Audio: 2/5
This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done.
~Stephen Hawking while coming up with some science garbage
A perfect score is a rarity. A true gem. That's why I haven't given one today. But, that's not to say that Liberty's review review was bad. No. It was transcendent. I can only imagine that the fault lies with me, somehow, for I am just man, and man is imperfect.
Overall: 3.5/5
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7/10 would read again
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What are you smoking? 5 minutes into this review & I had to close the tab... 2/5
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This is what happens when you use an imperfect system to quantify that which is perfect.
Housekeeping
A perfect score is a rarity. A true gem. That's why I haven't given one today. But, that's not to say that Liberty's review review was bad. No. It was transcendent. I can only imagine that the fault lies with me, somehow, for I am just man, and man is imperfect.
This is what happens when you use an imperfect system to quantify that which is perfect.
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I like the Reviews of the Reviews better than the Review itself... Is that a bad thing?
I give this review a 0.5/5 for no examples, pictures and barely talking about the actual game.
I give this review a 0.5/5 for no examples, pictures and barely talking about the actual game.
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It was more self-judging than a review.
It could be valid, if "bulmabriefs144: The Game" were existed.
It could be valid, if "bulmabriefs144: The Game" were existed.
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I'm kind of surprised this review even got approved. It's pretty clear that it's just a counter-review.
Geez and I even stopped reviewing games because I felt the reviews I was writing weren't high enough quality. I feel so much better about it now.
Geez and I even stopped reviewing games because I felt the reviews I was writing weren't high enough quality. I feel so much better about it now.
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Damn. I just realized that my subtitle should have been, "Reviewing Liberty's Painted Heart Review Review." I deserve missing all three of those points.
author=Liberty
7/10 would read again
Damn. I just realized that my subtitle should have been, "Reviewing Liberty's Painted Heart Review Review." I deserve missing all three of those points.
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You guys are brutally mean, lol
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Yeah, it's pretty rough. Thanks for telling us to which point you got.
There is no harm in giving a frame or ranting a bit at all, or saying if you could do it yourself. It doesn't explain much about the game itself, but it does give a frame of where you are coming from.
That said, there is an imbalance in how much you say about the game vs other things, some more examples and explanations of what is fun would be much appreciated (like, what makes it stand out and unique to you? in examples. like color choices or scenery or sth!)
Either way, glad you enjoyed the game! I didn't have as great a time
There is no harm in giving a frame or ranting a bit at all, or saying if you could do it yourself. It doesn't explain much about the game itself, but it does give a frame of where you are coming from.
That said, there is an imbalance in how much you say about the game vs other things, some more examples and explanations of what is fun would be much appreciated (like, what makes it stand out and unique to you? in examples. like color choices or scenery or sth!)
Either way, glad you enjoyed the game! I didn't have as great a time
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The lesson to learn here for aspiring developers is that all you need to do for a 4+ star game is to hook the player for at least five minutes. The game can literally be unbeatable after that but if the reviewer liked the first five minutes, you're golden!
The lesson to learn here for aspiring reviewers is that five minutes of play followed by a stream of consciousness rant is totally all you need for a good review. No overview, nothing to give potential players any sort of real feeling about what sort of game they're getting in to. Just climb up on your soapbox and slam out a few paragraphs and you're golden!
The lesson to learn here for aspiring reviewers is that five minutes of play followed by a stream of consciousness rant is totally all you need for a good review. No overview, nothing to give potential players any sort of real feeling about what sort of game they're getting in to. Just climb up on your soapbox and slam out a few paragraphs and you're golden!
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@Unity, Damn! Ouch! I even felt that cutting edge!
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Sarcastic as heck? Likely. Funny? Certainly. Absolutely true? Sadly.
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I generally prefer to be frank and honest, rather than going the sarcastic route, but I really couldn't help myself with the absurdity of the situation.
Look at this review and what happened here. What if this was the norm? This means someone could literally set an egg-timer for five minutes, play a game here on RMN until the timer went off, write a couple of hasty paragraphs, submit the review, and then start the process over with a new game, over and over.
Games don't deserve five-minute-of-playtime reviews. It's insulting to the games and the time the devs put into them.
This may be a 4.5 star review, but Painted Heart deserves much better than this. I speak not in terms of score, but in terms of someone actually looking at the thing they are playing and putting some thought into their review. Someone actually trying and putting forth the minimum effort.
No game deserves this. No dev needs this. This doesn't help anyone.
author=pianotm
@Unity, Damn! Ouch! I even felt that cutting edge!
author=Dragnfly
Sarcastic as heck? Likely. Funny? Certainly. Absolutely true? Sadly.
I generally prefer to be frank and honest, rather than going the sarcastic route, but I really couldn't help myself with the absurdity of the situation.
Look at this review and what happened here. What if this was the norm? This means someone could literally set an egg-timer for five minutes, play a game here on RMN until the timer went off, write a couple of hasty paragraphs, submit the review, and then start the process over with a new game, over and over.
Games don't deserve five-minute-of-playtime reviews. It's insulting to the games and the time the devs put into them.
This may be a 4.5 star review, but Painted Heart deserves much better than this. I speak not in terms of score, but in terms of someone actually looking at the thing they are playing and putting some thought into their review. Someone actually trying and putting forth the minimum effort.
No game deserves this. No dev needs this. This doesn't help anyone.
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Oh, I wasn't complaining or criticizing your liberal use of acid in that post. I think you're absolutely right. I'm just saying, your submit button has a mean right hook.
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What I don't get is, if this score is any indication, why only play five minutes? Why not play for longer? What happened to make this player/reviewer put the game down after that time?
*Edit: Nevermind. I see it now. Though, I do think the criticisms made against this review are still valid.
*Edit: Nevermind. I see it now. Though, I do think the criticisms made against this review are still valid.