Detective Gumshoe finds himself ensnared by an unsolved murder mystery on Space Station 7.

  • Dudesoft
  • 01/07/2013 06:20 AM
This is a script for a Radio Drama that never went anywhere because of various problems.
The credits in the beginning are no longer accurate and the numbers at each line is a marker for easier production.


Welcome folks, to tonight's broadcast of... The RMN Radio Drama Theatre! Brought to you by Galaxia Radio, and Horc Coffee, the only coffee to burn nose hair by the smell alone. Tonight's broadcast will be the exciting tale of a man drawn into a mystery from his past. Can he escape his past, or will it be his undoing? Playing the role of the Narrator is the famed, __________. The narrator portrays the inner thoughts of our lead character Gabe Gumshoe, who in turn is played by Shinan. The cause of Gabe's angst is none other than Liberty portraying Selena de Moore, our leading lady. Then, of course there is the whimsical and forgetful Hercules, a part dog, part man portrayed by Dudesoft. Our antagonist, Detective Vector portrayed by Despain, will be hot on Gabe's trail as he tries to solve this troublesome crime. Other voices will be provided by Dudesoft, ______, and _______.
This intergalactic radio broadcast is brought to you by the good people at Horc Coffee.
Horc Coffee, for all your needs and then some.

LYFACE, I'm going to kill myself.

No, UG, don't do it! Here, have my Horc-brand coffee.

Horc-brand Coffee? But it's your last cup!

You're right... Well, it was nice knowing you.

So, grab yourself a mug of Horc Coffee, and listen to the Terror of the Mushroom Murders!
Prepare yourself, as we go now to the remote space station orbiting the planet Rymian...

(sfx starting music etc)

Space 7.
If scum had a name. The place of my nightmares.
Some people call it the Annex of Crime. Hard to believe when you read those smiling pamphlets given to tourists. Orbiting the gas giant, Rymian, Space 7 provides a necessary hub to the more remote outposts. Also a profitable gas mining operation for the Horc Empire.
At least, that’s what the smiling pamphlet says. Back when I lived there, my partner and I ran a private detective agency. In a place like Space 7, we never had to look for work.
Space 7. The beginning and end of my journey.

(Groaning in agony) Hyperspace sleep... A catnap with a hang over.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, we have exited hyperspace. The next stop will be Rymian Space Station 7. Will all passengers please have their ticket cards ready for scan. Thank you for flying Travelling Intergalactic Train Services.

Space 7. Why did you call me back?
Ugh. These yolk Space Trains and their yolking smoke detectors. Hyperspace hangovers are the worst. I could really go for a cigarette.

Good evening, passenger, “Mister Ruffy”. The local time is 20:45 Eastern Standard Horc Time. Do you have your ticket card?

Perhaps, I should note, my actual name is Gabe Gumshoe. Considering my history with Space 7, it seemed like the best idea to travel with a fake I.D.
“Mister Ruff” was my neighbours pet cat.

Yeah, alright. Here it is. (pause) Any chance you have a food port handy? I'd like a cup of Horc coffee.

Is there a problem with the food port in your shared room?

Some yolking idiot called for pickled pucker puss pasta, and forgot to order it in a bowl.

That does explain the smell.
Sorry, sir. You will need to wait until our arrival at the Space Station. The food car is currently closed for the next twenty light years.

Gee, that's swell.
Wait to go, yolk-head.

Garsh, I sure am sorry...

Ticket card, sir? Mister, uh, “Hercules”?

Oh, yes, right here... Oh gosh, where did I put it now? It was here just a second ago... Maybe in my luggage? Hmm let's see...

The train pulled into the station right on schedule. Typical plums of steam clouding the platform. There were crowds awaiting their loved ones, workers offloading cargo freight, and then there was me. Lighting a cigarette and tugging my fedora low, popping my trench coat collar up, and tossing out my fake ticket I.D. Card.
Hyperspace really hit me. Ducking into the crowd of people, I hoped to avoid any unwanted gazes. There was a diner across from the platform. Standard, run-down affair.
Outside, a news-document vendor. First, I paid him a visit.

Good day, sir. Fine simulated weather we're having.

Yeah. Fancy that.
Listen, got the latest stories?

Yessir, just in. We have news-documents from as far away as Cronus. What'll it be?

Just the locals, thanks.

Very well, that's 2 Space Bucks. Just download the Doc from the datapad here onto your PDA.

Swell. Yeah, I know the drill.
(sfx of coins hitting table, and data upload)
(sfx of walking, then door chime as door opens)

Have a seat, sir. Be with you in a moment.

The diner was fit for the type of rats seated along the bar. How fitting this would be the first place travellers see when first arriving to Space 7.
The booth near the back suited my needs. It was out of the way, and no one would bother me. While waiting, I drew out a hologram of the News-doc from my PDA as a wide screen in front of me. Always easier to skim the articles this way.

Hello, sir. Sorry about the wait. It's just me working today, see.

That's fine. I'll have coffee. Horc-brand if you've got it. I'll take it green. Don't add a thing to it, hear me?

Y-yes sir! (gulp!) Are you sure you can handle it, sir?

Don't make me repeat myself. Also, the moon miner's special. Make the tornak spleen extra crispy. That'll be all.

Alright, sir. Coming up.

Returning to my news-doc, I scanned for anything suspicious. To my expectations, there was plenty. This was Space 7 we're talking about, after all.
Arson, theft, missing persons, a rumoured gambling den, and... the mushroom murders?

Dear tentacle overlords, what have I got myself into?

I'm sorry it had to come to this, Gabe, darling.

Startled, I shut down my news-doc hologram. There, seated across from me was the finest woman I've ever met. Selena de Moore. The picture of beauty.
There was only one problem. If Selena was here, then trouble was soon to follow.

Selena! It's... you? Is it really you? But how?

Hush, darling. It's me.
You look well, Gabe. Age has yet to touch you. Perhaps there are more creases in your grimace. Oh, why do you look at me so?

You're a picture of when I left here all those years ago. I can't believe it, really. When your hologram message arrived at my agency a few weeks ago, I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Now you're here, and so am I... I still can't believe it.

Darling, I do not smoke anymore. Bad for the lungs. It is good to catch up, Gabe. However let's skip the small talk. The reason I brought you here is--

--The Mushroom Murders. I know. Just read about it. Selena, why me? Why involve me in this racket? You of all people should know I can't involve myself. Not after... what happened.

That is the past, sweet heart. Who else could I turn to? The police? Bloated wallets, and corrupt pigs.

If it were anything else... The Mushrooms, though? I... I just don't know, lady.

Why won't you look at me, Gabe? I need you... Help me, Gabe Gumshoe! You're my only hope!

I'm sorry. I... I need some air. Let me think about it.

Without a further word to the dame, I tossed some Space Bucks on the table, grabbed my PDA, and went outside to cool off.

Oh, Selena de Moore, why'd you drag me back here? What's it all about? If Slick were still here, he'd set things right. Good ol' Slick. Looks like I've gotta clean up our old mess, partner.

Gee, mister. Who are you talking to?

Look, never mind that.
(distant rabble of people)
Say, what's that rabble anyhow?

I haven't a clue, mister. Heard a bunch of people hollering for the police.

Swell. Alright, I better check it out. Those flatfeet will muck up the scene.
(SFX of walking towards rabble, which gets louder)
You. What are you doing here?

Gee, I was just eatin' a ratdog and looking out into space, from this here view port, because I was both hungry for food and a glimpse of Rymian. As we're turnin' counter-clockwise, I had to strain real hard-like to see even the outer rings of the planet! That's how I got this here mustard stain on my new shirt, see.

Cut to the chase, will ya? I haven't got all day.

Like I was sayin', I saw this here fellah jus' floatin' out there in space! So, I went to the conductor of our train to get some help.

Is that so? Let's see here. A mechanic, from the look of his uniform. Name's Gruss. No visible signs of struggle, except here on his finger tips. Looks like he died of suffication, probably out there. Is there an airlock where you got him back inside?

Yessir, this one just here. I oversaw the tractor beam process myself.

Ah, yeah, as I expected. Small claw marks here and here at the control panel inside the airlock door. Looks like someone locked him in and opened the outer hatch. Poor bastard didn't stand a chance.

Hey now, ain't that peticuliar... There's a mushroom growin' outta his chest.

Say what? Let me see!
Oh tentacle overlords... It's really happening. The same orange glowing stripes... The same crawling roots ripping apart the chest cavity. All blood and life being devoured from within. This is another Mushroom Murder.
(cue dramatic music)

Alright, alright, step aside people. This is a crime scene.

What do we have, officer Paller?

Another 967, sir.

Another 9... oh, yes. Yes, I see. Look, officer Paller, this is a 404. Mushroom here, see?

Sorry, sir. 404, sir. We've got the crowd contained for questioning.

No need, my boy. No need.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Gumshoe. A sight for sore eyes.

Ah, yes. Detective Vector, it's been a long time.

This stinks, Gumshoe. You made a big mistake coming back here. Space 7 has been my beat since you flew the cope. And what's this? The 404's start up again, and here's Gabe Gumshoe. Private Eye chasing down the serial killer. Brings back memories, Gumshoe. Bad memories. If I recall correctly, you were discharged from the force for using excessive force.

Look, Vector. I'm here for reasons of my own. Just came into town on that train.

That so? Let's see your ticket.

I, uh, threw it out.

Gumshoe, I never had a good feeling about you...

Hey, I was on it, alright? Just ask this guy.

What, this dog-man?

Yeah, he was on the train with me, I remember that much!

Hey, you. You're a conductor are you not? Was this mutt on your train?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought I recognized him, but in all this excitement I plum forgot!

Was he on the train or not?

Why that's the fool who didn't have a ticket!

Gee, I know I had it somewhere!

A great character witness, Gumshoe. I've got half a mind to believe he's your accomplice.
You're both under arrest for the murder of ...what's that say? Gruss? For the murder of the mechanic named Gruss. You have the right to remain silent, and boy you better. I've been waiting a long time for this, Gumshoe.

You've made a mistake, Vector. Look here, I was on that train. I can prove it! Check the registry!

Come on, Mr. Gumshoe.
And you as well. Come on...

Gosh, I don't remember killing anyone... But okay!

The city rolled by. That old setting; the back of a squad hover-car. Space 7 became a sprawling, filthy map below us. The bio-dome above was clear, traffic slow. Sunday drivers and transport. Police station came into view. Officer was quiet, radio beckoned for back up for crimes throughout the city. The dog-man, Hercules was silent also. Fear in his eyes.
Fear. There was a time when I felt fear. Slick and I were working our first real case.
It wasn't fear of danger. It was fear of the unknown.
We just arrived on our first crime scene. Anonymous tip. Nothing would add up...

(sfx flashback)

Listen, see? This door is open, see?

Who leaves their door open in the slum?

Sticky situation, see? We should go in. Get your gun out, see? Never know what to expect.

(nervous) Yeah. Yeah, right...
(sfx of opening a door)

It's dark. I'll turn on the light switch, see?
(sfx light switch)

Oh tentacle overlords...

That's one big mess, see? Hey, you nervous or something? Here, have a cigarette.

No, no I'm alright. No reason to start smoking, just because there's blood all over the walls.

If you won't have one, I will.
(sfx cigarette)

(nervous) Alright, we're here. This is our first case as Private Detectives. The blood is everywhere. Alright. (calming down) Alright, we should be careful not to leave foot prints. The police will be here soon. We have to move fast, if we're going to solve this case before them.

Relax, Gabe. I set us up, see? I got us both the wrong sized shoes. We're wearing gloves. I thought of everything, see? Now, let's look at this poor sucker who got done. Looks like he was bled out good, see? All these cuts on the main arteries. Must have been a real gusher.

Wait, Slick... What's this? What the yolk is this?

Yeah, weird... there's a big mushroom growing right out of his chest. Looks like the roots are ripping him up good. Quick, give me an evidence bag. We'll take it back to HQ and examine it. Maybe there's a clue.

Here, hurry. I heard something outside.

Will you relax, Gabe. You're acting like a guilty man.

G-guilty? N-no, not me. Sorry, Slick. Just, hurry up will ya?

Keep your trench coat on. Alright, there we go. Let's take a few pictures and get outta here.

(sfx of walking on gravel in distance)

They're on to us!

This is exactly why I told you to park out back. Let's go!

(sfx of door being kicked in.)

Hey! Hey you! Get back here!
Oh, dear tentacle overlords... What have we here? Those sick yolks!
Officer Tybal, keep an eye on the crime scene. I'm going after them!

(sfx end flashback)

This concludes Act One of The Terror of the Mushroom Murders! Join us next week for another exciting episode of the RMN Radio Drama theatre. We will chill you, thrill you and satisfy your other senses if you're using the Smell-o-Matic Radio System.
This broadcast was brought to you by the good people at Horc Coffee.
Horc Coffee. The green guck to wake you up with a kick in the butt.

I don't want to go to work, LYFACE.

UG, you have to go to work, here have some Horc Coffee. The only coffee to melt ceramic.

(drink sfx)

WOWIE! Alright, I'm off to work, LYFACE. All thanks to Horc Coffee. Mmm! Nothing burns ulcers like a big cup of Horc Coffee!

(begin Act Two music stuff)

This week on the exciting RMN Radio Drama, our hero Gabe Gumshoe is being questioned for a murder he didn't commit. Or did he? What will happen next? Only one way to find out! So listen good, and pull up a chair. Maybe grab yourself and your family a nice tall mug of Horc Coffee. Remember, Horc Coffee is the only coffee certified to use as battery acid.

Gee, whiz UG. We're stuck in the middle of no where on this desolate planet. Our space ship battery is completely dried up!

Hey now, we'll be alright. We'll use some of our Horc Coffee to get us through.

Oh, that's right. Horc Coffee has the acidic properties to super-charge our hyper-drive engine spark plugs. We'll be home to Salt World in no time.

Yeah sure, just after we share a mug.

Mmm, mmm. That old familiar sting. Horc Coffee is my favourite.

Careful dear, don't drink it too fast. You don't want your molecular structure to dissolve do you?

And now, as we sit back with our Horc Coffee at the ready, let us return to Space 7. A seedy space station orbiting the planet Rymian. Where thieves and cutthroats are the least of your troubles. Fore there are now the Terror of the Mushroom Murders to worry about!

The light burns into my skull. All around me, darkness save for the light right above. They're watching me through the two-way mirror. What I wouldn't do for a mug of Horc coffee and a cigarette. The hyperspace hang over is still pounding between my ears. Though, I know they'll try and sweat me first. No chance of relief at this point. I wish they'd get on with it.
Finally the detective saunters into the room. It's an act. I know I didn't do it, and they know they have nothing on me. It's a murder and they need some paperwork to push.

Mr. Gumshoe. We both know how bad this looks. Why not confess so I can get on with my day, hmm?

Look, I'm innocent. This is all a misunderstanding.

Why of course. You only appeared in my station with no legal documents to prove it. Only happen to appear at the crime scene, inspecting your handiwork no doubt.

What will it take to convince you?

Convince me? I've spent the last twenty years praying for this day. Suddenly a vicious string of murders come to a swift end and who leaves town, but none other than the famed Gabe Gumshoe, Private Eye? Well, I warned you back then to stay out of police business. To keep out of the mushroom murders. Yet, every crime scene I find either traces of you, or a glimpse of you fleeing the scene. That was twenty years ago. Then, you skip town, and the murders end.
Suspicious? Still, never solid evidence. Never anything to send you packing into a star. Always some alibi. Always some scapegoat. Always, always, always.
I've waited twenty years for this, Gumshoe. Twenty years, I've known it was you. And now here we are.

Keep huffing and puffing, Detective Vector. You've got nothing on me now, just like back there. Because I didn't do it! I was on that train just now. We arrived, I crossed the street for a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and saw a crowd forming. Naturally, I investigated. Then, you found us. End of story.

So, you arrived on the train. Easy and breezy, just like that you're in the clear. However, you were not on that train, Mr. Gumshoe. There is no mention of you anywhere.

Of course, the fake I.D. Ticket card... I used my neighbour's cat's name. How could I be so clumsy? If I had only known I was stepping into hot water, I wouldn't have faked my way in. My greatest alibi just sank. I didn't know what to do.

You remain silent. A guilty conscience, yes?

Talk to the dog-man who was in my cabin.

The dog-man who was unable to find his ticket I.D. Card and was assumed a freeloader. Yes? There was a card checked. One, “Mr. Ruffy.” It makes me curious, if this Mr. Ruffy and this dog-man known as Hercules are one and the same. It is quite dubious at best, and I've yet to decide how to understand it. Regardless, Mr. Gumshoe... your witness has been questioned, and given an Anklet. That creature, whether he be your accomplice, Mr. Ruffy, or who he actually says he is... Regardless, he is here illegally and his hearing will be in a week.

Anklet? The beacon ankle bracelet that forces him to stay on Space 7? What if he wanted to go space-side, outside the station?

Him? Ah, yes. Mr. Gumshoe, I brought up the Anklet, as you too will be given one. Of course, I cannot hold you. We have no solid evidence. However, know now, that you are my prime suspect. If I find you at the scene of any other crime... So help me, I'll have you in irons on your way to a super nova without a trial. It will be my personal pleasure.

'Pleasure' doing business with you, Detective Vector. As always.

The Anklet was heavy. My head throbbed. They took my cigarettes and thrust me into the street. It was now simulated night time, and it was cold. Where could I go now? Wide awake, and stuck in this miserable situation. One thing was clear, I had to solve this case if I ever expected to leave Space 7 alive. Where next? There were no leads. As far as I could tell, Gruss the mechanic was a dead end. No clues to follow.

(sfx thud)

What's this? Speak of the gargoyle...

A victim. Just like that. I looked up, and low and behold... a shadowy figure was peering over the edge of a roof. His trench coat billowing in the wind. He was too hard to make out.

(sfx of pounding feet)

Stay where you are, don't make this difficult!

I climbed to the roof via pipe connected to the building. When I got there, the yolk was already two buildings away. All my training came to this, leaping rooftop to rooftop, chasing the mysterious man down. He was too fast. After a block of futility, I buckled over and began hacking up phlegm. All my training... who am I kidding? A pack of smokes and lounging in my office every day. Yeah, perfect training. Beaten, I climbed back to down to the street, and returned to the body.

You? What are you doing here?

Well... I was just released from the nice police station, when I fancied I would wander around these dark alleys. Surely there would be someone to meet or possibly a ratdog vendor. When 'lo and behold there was this fellah on the ground with another mushroom on his chest.

Mushroom? What? Yes, you're right... Another attack of the Mushroom Murders!
(sfx dun dun dun dun!)
Quickly, help me carry this bloke into the alley where no one can see. Take a look here at his fingernails. They're scratched too. No visible sign of strangulation on his neck, and ah, here. His head. See here, just behind the ear? Looks like this man was clubbed.

Why is there a mushroom growing out his chest though? It looks like the roots are tearin' him a new one!

Yeah, see the mushroom is carnivorous. We figured it out years ago, Slick and I. Slick was my old partner. Anyway, we figured out this mushroom spores are fed into the chest. The spores quickly begins eating flesh to form a glowing orange striped mushroom like this one. Left alone, the mushroom will devour the corpse within a week until there's nothing left. Not even a skeleton.

Golly! Guess I won't be eating mushrooms any time soon.

Don't worry none. It's a very specific spore, we figured it came from Rigel-2. Not much else grows there except fields of mushrooms. The competition made this one a killer. It's called the Makal Gamion Mushroom. Or, Mak Gam for short.

Gee whiz. And I came here from the Battledome on Horc because this seemed like a safer place to live. Welp!

Welp indeed. Do your research next time. Space 7 is nefariously sinister. Crime swarms here, and Space 7 opens the door.

And the smiling pamphlets made it seem so nice... Boy, oh boy, was I fooled.

(sfx car stopping)

Step away from the body, and hands in the air!

Swell, whoever that mysterious man was must have tipped off the police. This doesn't look good, Hercules.

Golly, I don't wanna go to jail again!

Me neither. Leg it!

(sfx of running feet)

After them! Stop in the name of the law!

What a day, first racing across rooftops, now chased down alleys. Step out of the police station just to get framed for murder. Of course, I couldn't keep up this running. From the sounds of the wheezing, neither could Hercules. The police were closing in. Our goose was cooked.


Hey, get up! You'll get caught!

I used to be able to adventure like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee.


Go! Go without me, I'm a goner...

It hurt me to see the mutt laying there. What were my options? Fighting my decision all the way, I sped onwards. Left, right, left, and left again. I started losing myself. All I wanted was as much distance between myself and the corpse. Maybe, just maybe, the cops didn't get a good look at me. It was circumstancial that I was even at the crime scene. One thing was for sure, whoever was committing these murders wanted me involved. Why did they want to frame me? Why the sudden spike in such an old case? Why mushroom murders? I knew this had something to do with my past, I couldn't get the facts straight. Nothing made sense. Selena de Moore contacted me. Even after everything that's happened.
As I slowed down, sure my tail had been lost, I tried to catch my breath and figure out just where to go next. Part of me thought I needed Selena, however she never left an address. Accessing the information grid would only alert my present whereabouts and where I was heading. So, that was out.
That body back there had a clue. There was a feeling in my bones. No escaping it, I had to go back. This investigation was starting to really heat up!
The mushroom murders have always confounded me. Though Slick and I had come close to solving it all, there was always the police getting in our way...

(sfx flashback)

Look here, see these tiger-stripe markings? The same as last time. I did my research. This is a specific type of mushroom.

We can discuss that later. Let's focus on collecting clues. What do we know about this woman?
From her apartment, it looks like she lived a simple life. Maybe never harmed anyone in her life. Why kill her?

Why kill anyone? Get inside the criminal mind, see. That's the trick. I've thought of that too. Think back to that last one. Real nobody. Just some slug who cleaned gutters. No one would miss him, see? So, what can we say about this killer? Perhaps he doesn't want to be caught?

We know that's not true. First of all he sent us this note made of cut out magazine letters.

Exactly. Clearly, it's a game to him, see?

Alright, but what are the rules to his game? Killing innocent people who don't deserve it? Sounds fishy. There's got to be a connection. Does this guy just hate hard working-class people? Or maybe a superiority thing?

Yeah, maybe. Looks like she was strangled to death. There doesn't seem to be much else we can do here. Let's bail, see?

(sfk door being kicked in)

Halt! Stay where you are!

Let's get out of here!

(sfx of running)

This concludes Act Two of The Terror of the Mushroom Murders! Join us next week for another explosive episode of the RMN Radio Drama theatre. We will surprise you, revive you and expand your other senses if you're using the Smell-o-Matic Radio System.
This broadcast was brought to you by the good people at Horc Coffee.
Horc Coffee, the only coffee brand trusted by the psychiatric wards to keep their orderlies high.

Golly, UG, I feel funny.

Why LYFACE, that's the Horc coffee hard at work. Not only does it eat away at your inners, the traces of dysillarium infects your brain so you can hallucinate all day long.

Am I swimming? Where are my eyes?

(begin Act Three music stuff)

This week on the exciting RMN Radio Drama, our hero Gabe Gumshoe is on the run! Can he find enough clues to stop these murders? What will happen next? Only one way to find out! So listen good, and pull up a chair. Maybe grab yourself and your family a nice tall mug of Horc Coffee. Remember, Horc Coffee is the only coffee brand trusted by the Horc Imperial Army as rocket fuel.

(sfx of siren in bg)
Quick! We need to get out of here!

But how? We don't have any rocket fuel!

Just use your mug of Horc Coffee, it's the only coffee that can super heat in a hyperspace propulsion engine!

But, I haven't had my morning cup yet!

Hmm. Well, they'll probably only take us to a POW camp. Go ahead, enjoy yourself.

(drinking sfx)
Mmm, mmm! Was it worth the six months of torture to come? ...YES.

Okay folks, please sit back, and enjoy your Horc-brand Coffee while we take you back to Space 7. Things are heating up now that another victim has come into play. It seems Gabe cannot escape... the Terror of the Mushroom Murders!

Well, there I was. A long way from the crime scene. Hercules was captured, someone wanted me framed and I had nothing to go on. As I had already decided, there was no choice except to return to the body and hope I'd find something. It took ten minutes for my feet to remember the cold steel streets. Something inside you never forgets your old patrol. Sure enough, the body was right where it fell. But, that's not all...

Swell, there's that officer Paller keeping watch over the corpse. Looks like I'll need to go rogue again.

Who's there?

Sorry kid, I need to get to the bottom of this!

(sfx of fist fight)
(sfx thud)


(sfx of falling on ground)

That takes care of one problem. Not much time until someone gets wise. Let's see... What's in these pockets? Aha! Looks like a gamble-pad? So, gambler, eh? No wallet here... Looks like that's it.

(sfx running)

(catch breath)
That should be far enough. Let's see this betting record. Victim has terrible writing. Looks like a heavy gambler. Seems his last entry is two weeks old. Hmm... There's a return if found address here. Best news I've heard since coming to this crummy hole. Even a name. “Erno Strablin.”

The victim's apartment was locked tighter than a Torestrian mining facility. Time for fancy words. Down three flights of stairs, the apartment manager answered the door in her bed robe and hairnet.

Any idea what time it is?!

(lie but don't be too obvious, maybe take time choosing your words)
Honestly, no... The days are a blur ever since Erno disappeared.

That loser? That deadbeat?

Please ma'am, he was very important to me.

That degenerate? That puss-filled meathead? How much did he own you?

We were... He was... That is to say, IS my lover.

Heh? Oh you are a... He was... Listen, don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against it. He was just always running late with rent and coming home drunk as a fardap. I have nothing against You People!

Ma'am, I was hoping you could let me into his apartment. I've looked EVERYWHERE for my Erno. Maybe there's a clue up there?

Eh, yes, yes... Only for a moment though. I understand your, uh, connection to him. Yes, yes, I'll take you up.

My lies worked. Erno Strablin's apartment was something of a nest. It seemed he never did laundry or dishes. His lights were out. When I tried them, the manager explained she had cut the power as Erno had not paid rent last week. Little wonder why. The manager was beginning to show signs of suspicions toward me, so I went straight for what mattered. The trash bin.
There surprisingly wasn't much in it, except for a few paper stubs. Bingo. They were Racebot betting stubs. A stamp in the top right corner read, “Droc and Gat's Bookies”.

Thank you ma'am, this is exactly what I need to find Erno.

Yeah, well.. When you do find him, remind him about these things us sensible people call “Bills”.

There was very little time to kill before that Detective Vector would be sniffing after me. Time to pick up the pace. Even on the off-chance the police were tracking the anklet they put on me, I had to pursue this lead.
Hailing a taxi, I found my way to Droc and Gat's fine establishment. From the outside, it was a juice bar. Terrific. If this place had a front, I'd have to talk my way in.
Inside, there were no patrons. Just one big guy who couldn't look more out of place it he'd been wearing a dress made of meat at a vegan convention.

0203-BIG GUY-
Yeah, what'll it be, pal?

Nice selection of fruits. You wouldn't have any Horc coffee would you?

0205-BIG GUY-
Why, is your toilet clogged?

Nevermind. I didn't come here to drink.

0207-BIG GUY-
Yeah? Well, we only gots fruit juice 'round here.

What's the hardest to drink? I've only got five days to live. Got this mushroom growing inside me. Might say I'd be willing to gamble my life away.

0209-BIG GUY-
Y'don't say. That'd be the Rymian Final Tear 3.

That's not on the menu.

0211-BIG GUY-
Yeah it is. Come on, we only serve it in the back room.

Sounds delicious.

(sfx walking, pause, knock on door in code)

0213-BIG GUY-
We got another Final Tear 3, here. Director's Cut.

How many stars?

0215-BIG GUY-
I'd give him .5 stars.


(sfx of door opening, bg sound of gambling/casino comes louder)

Got your gamble-pad?

Sure. Right here.

Good, good. Welcome back. The NASPOD Saturn Circuit is about to begin. Care to place a bet?

Sure. Gimme 10 Space Bucks on Number 3. I like to bet small for starts.

(sound annoyed)
Aye, sir... I'll ring you through.

Hold it. Is Erno Strablin here? I don't want to lose all my Space Bucks.

We haven't seen Mister Strablin for quite some time.

Shucks, did he leave Space 7? If I remember, he was here every day.

Sorry, sir. I'm not familiar with you. How is it you know Erno?

(pause as if thinking)
We... are lovers?

Is that so? I'll ring your bet through, sir.

As the floor manager quickly walked away, I felt a tingle down my spine. The lie might have fooled Erno's landlord, but as soon as I told it to this criminal, I knew it was a mistake. Sure enough, the floor manager came back in a hurry with two thugs on each shoulder.

These fine gentlemen would like to escort you downstairs. They have information on Erno Strablin, Mr. Gumshoe.

My reputation exceeds me. Alright, no need for the rough stuff, I'll come easy.

(sfx of three people walking down stairs)

Say, you boys are Horcs, right? Not a chance one of YOU could whip me up a cup of coffee?
Not the talkative types, eh? Talk's over-rated. So, here we are. Another lovely door.

(sfx of code knocking. Door opens. Walking, door closes, bg noise cancels)

Detective Gumshoe. It is something of an honour. Care for some Snult?

No, I don't do drugs. Well, except Horc coffee. I'm about ready to kill someone for a cup.

Let's not speak of killing, it gives the snult a bad taste. Excuse me.
(sniffing into microphone as if doing a line of cocaine)
YEEEOW!!! Praise the overlord! Let's dance!

(music begins to play)

(shout, over music)
I'd Rather discuss Erno Strablin!

(music stops playing)

Buzz kill. It was my understanding that you already met with Erno Strablin. Twice. So, why are you poking your nose into matters that do not concern you?

Twice? How could you possibly know that?

There was a good source, well, you probably know him. Detective Vector?

Vector? How is he involved in all this?!

Ga ha ha ha ha! The worst private eye in all of space. Gumshoe, you are as sharp as a butter knife. It was Vector who has been trying to run you off this case for years!

What? That's not true! Is it? Explain yourself!

The good police man has a tickle up his nose, you see. That man needs my services most painfully. There are a lot who depend on me. Without the Great Rhuss Tybal, who would feed these poor souls?

Vector's... a snult head? I can't believe it. Why are you telling me this?

What's it matter? You'll be dead soon.

So, it is your lot. You probably sent Erno Strablin packing too. Why all the murder? Don't you make enough money on this Racebot operation?

Racebots? That's a front.

A front within a front?

Yes, I'm running an... INFRACTION!
Ga ha ha ha ha!
I run this city, Gumshoe! I have the police by the nose, and nothing can stand in my way!

To think, we searched everywhere in Space 7 for the culprit. And here it was, under some fruit stand. With a small fortune in racebots and snult, you're getting away with murder.

Oh come now, I will admit to many things, in fact... I will admit that you will die soon. However, my organization does not commit murder. Oh no.

You'll never get away with it! What's that snult doing to your brain!?

Dancing in it, baby! Now, you've taken up enough of our time, Mr. Gumshoe. Your “friend” Erno Strablin owed us a substancial back-pay. How he ended up with a Makal Gamion Mushroom in his chest is beyond me...

Aha! You know the mushroom. Mak Gam Mushrooms are extremely rare, how could you possibly know the name?

Do you take me for an idiot? I am god of this space station! I own this town. I know everything there is to know about everything in this town! It's time for you to leave, Gumshoe. I've got nothing more to say to you. Boys, see this man out.

(music. Fade music to bg noise while narrator talks)

I felt a heavy blow to the back of my head. Time spun around. Fading in and out, the scene kept changing. Dragging across the ground. In a dark rumbling casket. Suddenly in a long room. The last things I remember were small shoes and a woman's voice.

Poor baby. Mama's gonna take care of you.

That phrase. Those angel's words. I've heard them before. Long ago... Before it all went sour...

(music fades back in for a moment then fades out and stops for flashback)

Shh! Quiet! (pause) Are you sure we're alone?

Sure, I'm sure. Why are you so worried? I was careful, you know me.

We shouldn't be doing this. If Slick finds out about us, I don't know what he'd do. It's bad enough he's always busy now with the DA's office.

He doesn't know, he can't know. Slick has a lot on his mind. He has his new job, and he's always coming home in the middle of the night. I barely see him anymore. Besides, it's you I want.

I know, darling. It's just that, he's like a brother to me. I feel terrible about this, and yet, I still want you more than ever. It just worries me, is all. We have to be careful.

Oh hush now, baby. Mama's going to take care of you.

This concludes Act Three of The Terror of the Mushroom Murders! Join us next week for another thrilling episode of the RMN Radio Drama theatre. We will surprise you, revive you and expand your other senses if you're using the Smell-o-Matic Radio System.
This broadcast was brought to you by the good people at Horc Coffee.
Horc Coffee, the only coffee brand certified as a 100% perfect pesticide.

These yolking rhubreds! They won't leave my taota garden alone!

Have you tried Horc brand coffee?

Horc brand coffee? Why I thought that was just for dying hair green.

Oh no, Horc brand coffee is medically proven to eliminate insect infestations and leave crops moderately unmutated!

Gee whiz, that's swell! Thank the tentacle overlord for Horc brand coffee!

(begin Act Three music stuff)

This week on the exciting RMN Radio Drama, our hero Gabe Gumshoe is in real trouble when he confronts the Mushroom Murderer! What will happen next? Only one way to find out! So listen good, and pull up a chair. Maybe grab yourself and your family a nice tall mug of Horc Coffee. Remember, Horc Coffee is the only coffee brand used to kill weeds.

Gosh, my taota garden is suffering. All these yolking weeds!

Well, you could always use--(cut off)

Forget it, why am I even talking to you? You'll just tell me to use Horc Brand coffee.

Well of course. Horc Brand coffee has just the right chemical properties to kill any and all weeds before they have a chance to even root themselves in!

Seriously? That is a bit much, isn't it?

Okay folks, please sit back, and enjoy your Horc-brand Coffee while we take you back to Space 7. Things are heating up now that Gabe Gumshoe is in the hot seat! What will Gabe discover next about... the Terror of the Mushroom Murders!

Gabe? Gabe, darling, wake up!

Hmm? Not yet, I'm still sleepy.

Gabe, please wake up, they're coming! They're nearly here! We have to hurry!

Coming? (yawn) Who's coming? What are you talking about?

Don't you remember anything from last night?

Cutting people I didn't --- my hands are covered in blood? What's going on here!? (say “What's going on here” weird. Like What's GoINg on hERe? Or something.)

I'm not sure, all I know is that Tybal and his gang are on their way to pick up their snult supply.

Slow down. What are you talking about? Snult supply? Where are we? Where have you been?

Gabe, you need to remember! Try thinking. What was the last thing you remember?

They put a police tracking anklet on me... lovers... gambling and dancing... Hot... I remember... Oh tentacle overlord, someone was cutting ME!

Cutting you?

Yes, here. See it? There's a cut here on my stomach, those fresh stitches! Where are we?

Some kind of warehouse. I saw them take you and followed. When they left the building this morning, I broke in. Are you hurt?

Apart from being mutilated in my sleep? Fine. Though, I am really thirsty. Let's have a look around. There's bloody surgical tables all over, and sleeping gas tanks. The floor is red with dried blood. No signs of struggle. What was that about snult?

I heard one of those guys who grabbed you say that Tybal was coming by personally to secure his share of the snult supply.

If that's true, we may be able to solve one riddle. That door back there, on the far wall. Where's that lead?

That's where I came in.

And this one beside us?

Not a clue. Gabe, I'm so glad you're okay. Tybal's gang is so terrifying!
The things they do to people, oh Gabe... I was just so worried when you didn't come back to the diner, I've been looking for you since!

Alright, alright. Don't get hysterical. Let's have a look-see in that door. With any luck, we'll have the snult case solved.

(sfx walking. Door opening with long creak.)

By the tentacle overlord. What have we here... Bodies. Everywhere, piled on top of each other. They're all dead. All of them, with Mak Gam mushrooms growing from them. It's terrible.

It looks like they're trying to get out, but they're all dead.

Yeah. Yeah you're right. Look at these fingers. They've been clawing at the door.

Also, you notice that all of these are men? All of them are nobodies. Look at their uniforms. I see three janitors and a lawyer.

Yeah. What else do you see?

It looks like they're all cut... Oh no... Gabe. They're all cut where you are! You don't think that you're...

Exactly. You've got it all figured out... Slick. (pause)
(sound of person falling into a squelching sound)
What's the big idea? What's the meaning of pushing me in here?

I'm sorry Gabe, it has to be this way.

So that's how it is. I knew it all along, but I didn't want to believe it. Why'd you do it, Slick? Why'd you kill all these people? Why me? Why... her?

(you can use huskier version of voice if you want)
Why? Do you have any idea how much money it was?

Money? That's it?

Yeah, that's it. That's all it ever was. Make a few bucks for Selena and I to retire early. I was making a fortune.

So it was you all along? Right from the start? Of course, that explains how you knew about Makal Gamion mushrooms. We never left each other's side back then. There's no way you could have known without me knowing too! Then why now? Why did it get this far?

Why indeed? You, you should be named Slick. As soon as I got busy making money, you move in on my girl? Did you think I didn't know? I've always been a detective. My place has been wired since I moved in. How did you think things would turn out? We were brothers! Brothers!

We were going to tell you! It was just so hard. Back then, things were different. You were different.

And that makes it alright to steal another man's girl?

No, I knew it was wrong. But murder? Murder? All this time you've been offing people to make a quick buck? It doesn't take an idiot to figure out you're making snult from mak gam. Selling it to Rhuss Tybal for your precious penny... What's in it for you now?

When you left, I was finally alone with her. Finally we could be together. But it wasn't enough. You never left her. She kept talking about you. She kept wanting you here. With us. All of us together. So, I lured you back. I started killing again. This time, no money. Who cares about money, when it's for love? No, this time it was for revenge. If you were dead, she wouldn't miss you. Then it would just be the two of us.

You're insane. Insane!

I'm insanely in love. In an hour, you'll be sucked dry by the mushroom spores. I'll sit just here outside the door, and listen. Oh the agony you'll go through as the mushroom creeps through your intestines.
Yes, it will be wonderful.

Well, this is it then. Curtains. Do I get one dying wish?

A dying wish, eh?

Just a cup of Horc coffee.


Horc brand coffee.

You really do have a death wish! Ha ha ha ha! Yes, of course. I'll have it ported here right away. This, I have to see.

(sfx door closes)

Not much time. Just need to take this police anklet off, and... There.
(sfx of anklet coming off and beeping or something)

(sfx door opening)

Here you are, brother. A hot cup of drain cleaning, weed killing, ceramic melting, jet fuel. Enjoy!

(sfx of drinking fast)

(sfx of thumping chest)
(sfx large belch)

(sfx door opens)

Ah, Selena de Moore. My beautiful vixen. How is the supply coming along? You operated well last night, I hear?

(not husky voice now)
Yes, of course. There are several Mak Gam mushrooms here for you. One in particular, I believe you will enjoy if you care to stick around for the show.

Let me guess, a sort of gummy kind, yes?

See for yourself.

Ga ha ha ha! Hello, Mr. Gumshoe. I believe you slept well?

As well as someone can, under the knife.

How long until he's ready?

The mushroom should be starting to latch on to his stomach lining as we speak.

Oh, so that's what that is.

This kid is alright, even while he's on death's door he keeps his cool.

Yes... It's odd for him...

(sfx of sirens)

Police? What did you, Gabe? Why are the police here?!

They never trust a fellah to stick around Space 7, I guess. By the way, thanks for the coffee. It really destroys any mushrooms trying to grow inside a man.

What!? No!

(sfx door hammered open)

Gods! What is this?

It's alright. Just business. How're you doing, Vector, baby?

Quit the chit-chat. Where's Gumshoe?

Sir, do you know this man?

No, of course not, Paller.

Sir, that's Rhuss Tybal, sir. He's a wanted man, sir.

Go wait in the car, kid.


You heard me!

What's the matter, Vector? You've stuck your nose into worse things. Why not sniff out the truth here. Or are you too interested in other things?

Sir, that's the man who attacked me!

Gabe Gumshoe, you're under arrest.

Ha ha, what lunacy. You come in here, find a house of death and a drug dealer, and you arrest ME? Space 7 really has gone to the dogs.

Drug dealer? What is he talking about, sir?

Paller, I told you to go to the car.

Sir, I must insist. Who are these people?

Yeah, who are these people, Vector?

Paller... I'm warning you.

Warning me, sir?

Look, kid. This is Rhuss Tybal, crime lord of a gambling house, drug dealer, and he also sells fruit. This is Selena de Moore, aka Slick, aka the Mushroom Murder, and this is Detective Vector, snult head.

I warned you!

(sfx of gun firing, then another gun fires)


I'm placing you all under arrest. Everyone here has the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say will be held against you in the court of law.

You won't get me that easy!

Look out, she has a gun!

Slick, no!

(sfx bang, and splatter)

Together... forever.

That was the second time I had to watch it. The memory came to me like it were only yesterday. It was years ago, in a place not dissimilar to this place. I had been given a real good anonymous tip-off. While I rushed to the crime scene, I sent off word to Slick at the DA's office.

(sfx fade to flashback)

It's unlocked. Good.

(sfx door creaking open)

No lights. Guess I'll need my flashlight.
(sfx flashlight clicking on)
There we go. Th... oh overlord. It's... it can't be. Selena! Selena are you alright?

Gabe? Is that you?

It's me, darling. I'm here. Are you alright?

I'm cold, Gabe. Cold and hot at the same time.

Let me hold you, my sweet. Let where is it hot?

My stomach, just here. It must have been something I ate.

Darling, please don't talk. You're going to be alright. Let me look you over. What's this? You've been cut. On your stomach here, what happened? Who did this to you? Why, you're bleeding!

(sfx click of lights)

So, caught red handed, eh? Thought you two could keep on smoochin' behind my back?

It's... It's not what you think, Slick.

That explains all the 'darling' talk, eh? Well, soon you'll both be gone. You'll be in the slammer and she'll be sprouting mushrooms. She has all the symptoms, the cut, the hot chest, the dry skin. She's gone soon, and it's all your fault, Gumshoe. I've been too busy with the DA to bother solving this case, and here you are... smooching my girl behind my back instead of searching for the criminal. This is as much your fault that Selena's biting the bullet as it is the killers. Face it, Gumshoe. You killed her by not doing your job.

That's not true!

Then what's the big hold up? We've been on case after case for months. How long does it take to catch a crook in a space station? How hard could it be to turn this town upside down? You're a loser, see? Worst detective in the galaxy.

Slick, please! We need to help her. We can talk about all this later, right now we need to try and save her!

Why so you can steal her from behind my back again? No, Gumshoe, not this time. You need to run away! Run away and never return. I'll make sure the DA buries you for this, if you don't get out of here. If I ever see you on Space 7 again, it'll be your end.

Alright, alright, I'll leave. Please, Slick. Just save her! Save her life!

(sfx of running)

Good, he's gone. Oh, Selena... I'll save you. We can be one. There's a new medical procedure. It will bring us closer than ever. We will be together, forever.

(fade in music as a finale)

This concludes the Terror of the Mushroom Murders! We at Galaxia Radio hope you've enjoyed this production, and invite you to enjoy a tall mug of Horc Brand coffee. The only coffee used by doctors to fuse two people together.

Sigh, UG. I'm so sad.

Why's that?

Well, I'm going away to live on Cronus for a few years and you can't afford to come with me.

No, but I can afford to have Horc-Merge surgery.

You mean, they'll put us into one body, forever?

That's right. We can call ourselves Uglyface. How about it?

No, that's... quite alright. I like being two people.


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Time to continue drawing :Dd
Hm i Wonder if i can pul somethi goff here/
Actually I'd like to consider trying again, once i get a new mike. There's no reason not to give this another go. Just for fun and in case anyone's curious, I'm going to post the lines I'd already done for the conductor and for officer Amanda Paller- each are numbered so you should be able to play them at the right points.
BTW, Clare, in some of the old Text-to-speech engines it was possible to mark various sections of an entry for different voices, effectively turning the inot a radio play. Is such marking possible in NR?
*edit8 Found my headset!
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