New account registration is temporarily disabled.

LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

Posts

Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
@redwall: There may have been a time that I used strikes to indicate things I don't think should belong, or blue text to inserted words, or whatever. However, it has been my tendency for some time to re-write things. In a way, it saves me time to do a re-write, so, eh.

@atasuke10: Off-hand, I would suggest...

Story
At a young age, Naokee was taken from her place of birth, and forced to become an assassin. During her training, she meets others like her, people that have plans to break free, and yet others she could glean great wisdom from.

How Naokee interacts with these groups is entirely up to you. There is no "good" or "bad" ending. There is only actions and consequences, with connections only able to be severed by death.

Features
- Dark, futuristic atmosphere, accompanied by a dark story
- Ending based on player choice
- About 3 hours for the "main" story; more if side-quests are perused
- Battle system based on combos

...this. Though, I'm attempting to figure out this assassination system. Maybe it's none of my business, but, in my head, having the element of surprise can happen without sneaking around. However, I doubt players will always have the element of surprise without some manner of effort (ie: sneaking) involved. Unless there is a literal "Surprise" element that enemies can have a weakness, or strength, against? Naaaaaaaah!

*Edit: I largely assumed that the reference of "where Crimson Light's events took place" is a reference to the game you're making the description for, rather than a different game entirely. Is there going to be any kind of overlap here, or are they separate stories?
author=Marrend
@redwall: There may have been a time that I used strikes to indicate things I don't think should belong, or blue text to inserted words, or whatever. However, it has been my tendency for some time to re-write things. In a way, it saves me time to do a re-write, so, eh.

@atasuke10: Off-hand, I would suggest...

Story
At a young age, Naokee was taken from her place of birth, and forced to become an assassin. During her training, she meets others like her, people that have plans to break free, and yet others she could glean great wisdom from.

How Naokee interacts with these groups is entirely up to you. There is no "good" or "bad" ending. There is only actions and consequences, with connections only able to be severed by death.

Features
- Dark, futuristic atmosphere, accompanied by a dark story
- Ending based on player choice
- About 3 hours for the "main" story; more if side-quests are perused
- Battle system based on combos


...this. Though, I'm attempting to figure out this assassination system. Maybe it's none of my business, but, in my head, having the element of surprise can happen without sneaking around. However, I doubt players will always have the element of surprise without some manner of effort (ie: sneaking) involved. Unless there is a literal "Surprise" element that enemies can have a weakness, or strength, against? Naaaaaaaah!

*Edit: I largely assumed that the reference of "where Crimson Light's events took place" is a reference to the game you're making the description for, rather than a different game entirely. Is there going to be any kind of overlap here, or are they separate stories?


What you did make me realize is how far what I know is from what the player knows, because when I wrote the description I included things from aspects of the story I already know, but half of the description makes no sense without knowing those things, and in that context you changing the description like that makes perfect sense. But I get the gist of what I have to remove so thank you for that :D
As for the assassination, you either manage to assassinate the enemy by sneaking up on them, get exp/money for it etc, get busted and have to fight, or just sneak past altogether(which yields no rewards...yet)

As for the edit part, they are separate stories, though since there are reoccurring characters, on does tie into the other slightly. But Crimson Light's story already finished and anything in Shift about that game is necessary and is presented as such, meaning you don't need to play Light to understand any of Shift, but it does add to the experience.
My game is RMN refused, they sent me a link (here), please help me to check where there are grammatical errors, thank you.

--------------------------------------------------------

Story: Protagonist Ulevo in the village to experience a variety of wonderful events. This day he woke up early in the morning, was invited to the king issued the order to discuss some of the important national events. You must go to the capital of the kingdom of the castle as soon as possible, you will encounter many strange events along the way, you have to help them solve their difficulties, NPCs. This will be an adventure, full of innocence and memories, dialogue and plot large and not a fighting monsters or enemies, completely Utopian background story.

Languages:Chinese & English

Note:Hello everyone,I'm Ulevo.I'm so happy to make this game for players.This game provides two different languages, I have used RAR to pack the game files together.Why is there a Chinese version is because I am a Chinese developer, I take the Chinese version of the game as the basis, then the English culture of the game.Text content is my own little bit to extract, and then replaced.My English is not very good, so there is a basic version as a reference for me to make changes to the game.This game is not a finished product, it is only a Demo, but let everyone experience.Follow up will have more content to add to the game.

About:"No enemy, no monster (hostile monster)" this kind of game form is not novel, the use of RTP RM2K material more able to reproduce the classic theme, so I used it, compared to other new material.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
Welcome to RMN, Ulevo! Share your creativity with us!

Now, I kinda feel like there could be a missing reference or two, thanks to the sentence structure. However, the general concept that's being relayed to me looks something like...

Ulevo wakes up early in the morning to find a summons from the king. They are to discuss various national and political matters. Along the way to the capital, Ulevo encounters many strange events, and helps folk along his path with their problems. Truly, this will be a memorable adventure!

Personal Aside
Hey everyone, I'm Ulevo! I'm so happy to bring this game to you in two different languages! I am primarily a Chinese developer, and tend to make games in that language. However, an English version is included based on what I know of that language. My Enlgish isn't perfect, so, let me know about any suggestions or corrections!

...this?

*Edit: If you prefer, it could be...

Story
Ulevo wakes up early in the morning to find a summons from the king. They are to discuss various national and political matters. Along the way to the capital, Ulevo encounters many strange events, and helps folk along his path with their problems. Truly, this will be a memorable adventure!

Personal Aside
Hey everyone, I'm Ulevo! I'm so happy to bring this game to you in two different languages! I am primarily a Chinese developer, and tend to make games in that language. However, an English version is included based on what I know of that language. My Enlgish isn't perfect, so, let me know about any suggestions or corrections!
@Marrend

Thank you very much, I am busy with other things, I have not yet seen the forum reply, I have not tried it, I will try again.
Hiiii guys! The game which I want to post for the "A Halloween Event" got refused because of some spell/grammar mistakes in the description, which I sadly didn`t find in order to correct them... So, I wondered if you guys could kindly help me :)
Thaaaank you!

Here is the description:
"They could seem angels on the outside, but they are devils in the inside."
- Sigma
"I am with you till the end."
- Diego


Heric and his family move to a small town in the middle of the mountains in order to start a new life. Infact because of bad episodes, which happened in the past, the family needed a place where nobody knew them. But things are even more difficult for Heric, who doesn`t like the place at all: he misses his old friends and his dear uncle. His father and his sister seem to not care or maybe they just don`t see what he sees. His sister meets two twins, who are really nice and cute. She quickly has a good friendship with them. But not everything you see is true. Bad things were behind the corner: the problems weren`t still finished for them.

This is a story-based, horror game, made for the "A Halloween Horror 2016" event. We hope, you will like the it.
Sorry for the language mistakes, but english isn`t our native language.
Thanks for the understanding =)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
Helping people with spelling/grammar is what the thread's for!

Anyway, my suggestion is...

"They look like angels on the outside, but, on the inside, they are devils!" - Sigma
"I am with you to the end." - Deigo


Heric and his family move to a small town in the middle of the mountains in order to start a new life. In truth, this move was because of certain episodes in the past, and the family felt a need for a place where nobody knew who they were. While Heric doesn't like the move at all, his father and sister don't seem to care. Maybe they just don't see things the way he does? However, Heric and his family will soon learn that not everything is as it seems: their problems have only just begun.

Personal aside
Made for the Halloween Horror event, this game is a story-based horror game. Despite our tenuous grasp on the English language, we sincerely hope you enjoy this game! We ask a certain amount of understanding, but, please, let us know of any corrections!

...this?
Please help.
"Your submission, Lunabell Trip, was denied. Reason was: "Description needs some work when it comes to grammar"".

Here description:

"Acorns again filled all SkyRealm. Lunabell, aka Princess Ninjato with her,
parcel in his adventures, girlfriend Siluna sent to eradicate the evil that threatens the world in SkyRealm. Along the way will come across scattered here and there NeoCrystals are residents of SkyRealms scattered them everywhere, so Lunabell could use them on their way.
Every 30 NeoCrystals will add one more live.
When a character jumping, hits the ceiling, he spent some time in the air, even though it may appear that this is not so.

Control:
cursor left - move left;
cursor right - move right;
Z - jump;
Alt+F4 - exit game."
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
@MorphingThruTime: Off the top of my head, my suggestion is...

The residents of SkyRealm have been trapped in NeoCrystals! Once again, it's up to Lunabell (AKA: Pincress Ninjato), and her friend, Siluna, to eradicate the evil that threatens SkyRealm, and rescue the villagers!

Controls:
Left Arrow: Move left
Right Arrow: Move right
Z: Jump
Alt+F4: Exit Game

...this. However, I note that this is less than the 500 character minimum. I do not know what else you can say about the game, but, I figure there can be at least a little something more? However, as an aside, I inserted "once again", as I'm largely assuming this game is a sequel to (or is largely related to) another game you made. The name "Princess Ninjato" is definitely ringing bells!
author=Marrend
The residents of SkyRealm have been trapped in NeoCrystals! Once again, it's up to Lunabell (AKA: Pincress Ninjato), and her friend, Siluna, to eradicate the evil that threatens SkyRealm, and rescue the villagers!

Controls:
Left Arrow: Move left
Right Arrow: Move right
Z: Jump
Alt+F4: Exit Game

No! Everything is not so...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
No? Okay, let's take a step back. The way I see it, the biggest point of contention here is...

author=MorphingThruTime
Along the way will come across scattered here and there NeoCrystals are residents of SkyRealms scattered them everywhere, so Lunabell could use them on their way.

...this sentence. The parsing is a little tricky here, but, I thought this to mean that residents of SkyRealm are trapped in the NeoCrystals. Though, I guess it could mean that the residents of SkyRealm scattered the NeoCrystals?

I believe we can agree that the NeoCrystals are scattered about, and that collecting them is pretty important to the game. As for the SkyRealm's popluace, I largely assume they are in trouble, and is the reason why Princess Ninjato is acting.

Here for help, guys.

Hoping for some suggestions on my description.
I'm totally lost on grammar sometimes so I'm sure there is a lot of room for improvement. The current description is below. I have already fixed some things, but I want to make sure it's right so I don't waste the mod's time unnecessarily.

"Embark on an accidental adventure with Danger Bill, a washed up has been who just needs to pay the rent. Follow the wacky cast of characters as they embark on an adventure into comedy inspired by 80's buddy action movies. Bill is an unemployed adventurer who finds himself in need of some quick cash to help pay the rent. His journey into financial ruin takes a turn for the better when he is contracted to escort a mysterious young lady to meet her cave-dwelling, hermit, uncle. Unravel the mystery of the Peanut Butter Cult and their connection to the Temple of the Torn Anus. Save a nation as you help save the King from a religious coupe.

Features:

Fast Travel System: Minimum unnecessary travel.

Mapping and Quest Tracking.

Dynamic Lighting: Turn on and off in Special menu for different computer and
connection speeds.

Dynamically updating HUD that tracks status effects on individual party members
with no need to open the status menu."

Thanks in advance guys.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
@Neutron_Dust: The basic structure seems fine, but, I've a few fixes/suggestions, if I may.

I feel "...washed up has been..." could be "...washed up has-been". I also kinda feel the sentence could end there, as mentioning twice that he needs cash to pay the rent is, in my opinion, unnecessary.

The statement "...meet her cave-dwelling, hermit, uncle" could probably be cleaned up to be "...meet her cave-dwelling hermit of an uncle."

I think you mean "religious coup" as opposed to "religious coupe". The former is shorthand for coup-d'etat, and the latter is a type of car.

author=Marrend
I believe we can agree that the NeoCrystals are scattered about, and that collecting them is pretty important to the game. As for the SkyRealm's popluace, I largely assume they are in trouble, and is the reason why Princess Ninjato is acting.


With the description I more-less figured out, tell me how to write this:
"When Luna jumping and hits the ceiling, she spent some time in the air,
even though it may appear that this is not so."
Thank you so much for your suggestions Marrend! Grammar is definitely my weakest area.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
author=MorphingThruTime
With the description I more-less figured out, tell me how to write this:
"When Luna jumping and hits the ceiling, she spent some time in the air,
even though it may appear that this is not so."

From what I understand of the situation, when players attempt to jump off-screen, the character might appear to "float". Which is to say that the jump animation is still active, and attempting to gain altitude, even though players are not physically going beyond the boundary of the screen.

If this understanding is correct, I think this can be boiled down to...

When Luna tries to jump off the top of the screen, she may appear to "float".

...this. You can probably mention afterwards that it's a known bug, and also mention what progress (if any) you have made to stamp it out. On the other hand, if it's an intended feature of the game, say that instead.

*Edit: I'm happy to help, Neutron_Dust!
author=Marrend
When Luna tries to jump off the top of the screen, she may appear to "float".
Yes, and:
"When Luna tries to jump off the top of the screen or hits the ceiling, she may appear to "float"."

Just in the game corridors with holes and they must be overcome by pressing the jump and the character flying over the pit, but physically it will be seen that the character jump.
Thank you very much.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
I believe it would be "or hits a ceiling". Though, that might be nitpicking on my part.

*Edit: I'm happy to be of service!
Hey everyone, so yeah this strike me XD Below is my game description and screenshot, so you can see what this game trying to be. Much thank for anyone make this better. Seriously, much appreciated.


PLOT: This is not the night like always. It's Halloween night. People thought this is nothing but a festive, you know it's not. You're a dog. A boxxy one. A ParaDog. You're specialized in Paranormal activity, you can smell the weirdness, there's something coming for you, and your family. Chase'em. Bark'em. Fart at'em and Beat'em up with your doggy ability. You're the only DOG your family can rely on.

Feature:
*A small, short and cute story between a dog and some HORROR creature*
*Pack with cute & amiable graphic/music & etc*
*Very straight forward RPG without SP,MP,TP,EXP,PPPPPPPPP*
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21806
Off the top of my head, I would suggest...

This is not just a typical run-of-the-mill night. It's Halloween night! While your adoptive family think nothing of this night as more than a seasonal celebration, you know better.

You are ParaDog, a dog that specializes in paranormal activity. You can literally smell the ghost and ghouls of the night coming toward your family! It's up to you to chase 'em out by whatever means it takes! Your family might not realize it, but, you're the only one they can rely on!

Features:
- A small, short, cute story of a dog and a horror-creature
- Packed with cute & amiable graphics,music, etc
- Very simplistic and straight-forward. No need for SP, MP, TP, or EXP!


...this. By-the-by, was this supposed to be an entry for the Halloween Horror event that didn't quite make the deadline? If so, that might be something you could mention as well.