LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I think the deal with "Don't eat the purple one" is that it's supposed to be a saying that boils down to "Never take anyone, or anything, for granted." Though, "Don't eat the purple one" is certainly not a thing I've ever heard of before.


Though, the saying that's surfacing in my head is more like "You never realize how much something means to you until it's gone" (or something like this), which... might be in the same vein as the concept that "Don't eat the purple one" is trying to relay in this context?
its suppose to be "Don't Eat The Purple Ones" lol
I need help reworking this description:

Several thousands of years ago, when the world is shaped into a flat and lifeless land. The Gods, decided to create beings in the face of them. Zeus, created men, Odin created the land, Susanoo and Amaterasu created the Sun and Moon with the help of the most dangerous and powerful weapon; The Heaven's Crest. The crest is said to have shaped from a deity that died saving the world from destruction. Now Hades, Loki, and Izanagi are in greed for the sacred power of the crest and is waging war against other Gods. Bound to no one, the crest shattered itself and disappeared into nothingness, but Loki never wavered and still believed that it still exists, so he threatened the Gods of the High plain of Heaven that if they don't find the crest, he will resurrect the greatest enemy of the Gods, Jörmungandr(Jormungand) The World Serpent. If Loki controls Jormungand to let go of the world, it will end in a matter of minutes. The High plain of heaven is now on a catastrophic event, and is searching everywhere for the Crest, and thus our "Hero" comes in...

My submission was denied due to grammar and punctuation errors. Would appreciate any help :D
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
The mythological references are all over the place (I recognize some names from Greek, Nordic, and Japaenese traditions), but, let's ignore that for now. I'm thinking something along...

Thousands of years ago, when the world was flat and lifeless, the Gods saw fit to shape the world, and to populate it. It was Odin that shaped the land, Zeus that created Man, with Susanoo and Amaterasu who made the sun and moon respectively.

To create the sun and moon, Susanoo and Amaterasu used the Heaven's Crest, a dangerous, and powerful, weapon. It is said to have been forged by a God that saved a dying world from destruction. The sacred weapon is sought by Hades, Loki, and Izanagi for their own ambitions to wage war against the other Gods. The Heaven's Crest, having a will of it's own, shattered itself, it's remains going into the Aether.

Loki was convinced that the shards could be retrieved, and the blade could be reforged. He threatens the other Gods with the release of the World Serpent, Jörmungandr, which would end all of creation within a matter of moments. Whether or not this threat is a bluff, the search for a way to the Crest-shards is on.

..these lines.
author=Marrend
The mythological references are all over the place (I recognize some names from Greek, Nordic, and Japaenese traditions), but, let's ignore that for now. I'm thinking something along...

Thousands of years ago, when the world was flat and lifeless, the Gods saw fit to shape the world, and to populate it. It was Odin that shaped the land, Zeus that created Man, with Susanoo and Amaterasu who made the sun and moon respectively.

To create the sun and moon, Susanoo and Amaterasu used the Heaven's Crest, a dangerous, and powerful, weapon. It is said to have been forged by a God that saved a dying world from destruction. The sacred weapon is sought by Hades, Loki, and Izanagi for their own ambitions to wage war against the other Gods. The Heaven's Crest, having a will of it's own, shattered itself, it's remains going into the Aether.

Loki was convinced that the shards could be retrieved, and the blade could be reforged. He threatens the other Gods with the release of the World Serpent, Jörmungandr, which would end all of creation within a matter of moments. Whether or not this threat is a bluff, the search for a way to the Crest-shards is on.


..these lines.


Ahh thank you so much :D
Hello! I need some help. My submission was denied. It said "Description needs some work in the punctuation and spelling areas" I'd really appreciate it if you could help me fixing these. Thank you!
___________________________________________________________________

"I am going to seek out "tomorrow"... Yes... You hear it right..."
"... just have to stay alive until Friday, ....right?"

Napa, the girl who was haunted by the nightmare sine childhood...
..decided to take a step into the abandoned school she saw in the dream...
...while something attempt to drag her into the past...
....and will never let her go back.

*Control*

Arrow - Walk
x - Menu/Cancel
Enter - Explore/Accept
D - Run
S - Stab(?)

*Detail*

Genre: Horror/Adventure
Game Rating: 15+
Language: Thai/English (Upcoming)
Player: 1
Engine: RPG Maker XP
Time for play : 2 Hrs.+
Minimum Operating Systems : Windows XP

Director : Mayko
Graphic : Mayko
Original soundtrack : Royalcafe
English Translator : Whateverzone


(Sprites of Napa, the main character of this game.)

*This game isn't quite scary, but some moment might surprised you...

PS. If you see any bug or error in the game, you can report them on this page:
PS.2 Hope you enjoy ^^
@Mayko
___________________________________________________________________

**Translator Notes**
Hello! It's been a while since the last game I translated. But now, my teammates are the one who handled this. Yes, this game is also originally in Thai.

You can check it out here : LAst WEEK Thai. It was created by Mayko (FB Page , Private FB)

A whole description above this note had been translated by bbsaver who had also written tvtropes of this game
: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoGame/LAstWEEK

We're still improving our English so we have to sincerely apologize for the errors. When the game is out and you interest in proofreading the game or tvtropes, we'd gladly accept your offer.
Thank you!

@Goddialga of Whateverzone
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
I kinda feel like the "controls" section is superfluous, and some information in the "details" section would be on the gamepage itself. Aside from that, my thoughts are something along the lines of...

"I am going to seek out 'tomorrow.' Yes, you heard that right. I just have to stay alive until Friday. Right?"

Napa, the girl who was haunted by a nightmare she has had since childhood takes a step into the abandoned school she saw in the dream. Some unknown force attempts to drag her into the past, and will never let her go back.


Personal aside
LAstWEEK is a game made by Mayko in the Thai language with an original soundtrack by Royalcafe and translated to English by Team Whateverzone (of which I am a member of). For the curious, one can access the original Thai version here.

As an additional aside, please visit the game's TVTropes page (written by bbsaver) here. We are still improving our English, and sincerely apologize for any grammar/spelling errors that may still exist. Please let us know if you have any interest in proofreading the game, or the TVTropes page!

...this?
Hello everyone! I was led here because a project submission of mine was denied with the reason: "Description needs a little work with punctuation and sentence structure"
and I can really testify the reason since I'm not that good at the english language yet! x((

here is the description, it's for an RMXP game I'm currently working on:

"BlueSkies 2 is an RMXP game featuring an old-school, fantasy RPG atmosphere with an emotionally driven story-line. Embark on a story that unravels at the world of "Vyen" revolving around a young mage/healer named "Lyrelle" who struggles during her life-time in an active series of witch-hunting. as a certain holy order seeks out to end the era of magic once and for all due to a past bloodshed involving magic. Will Lyrelle survive this era of hatred towards her kind?...will the order ever consider those who possesses magic but has no bad intentions?"

I really appreciate it if someone can help me point out the things that needs to be corrected!! thankyou so much! xDD
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Well, I'm kinda thinking something like...

In the the world of Vyen, a certain holy order has deemed that the era of magic should come to an end, due to very bloody events involving the use of magic. Take on the role of Lyrelle, who struggles against the witch-hunters sent by the order. Will she survive this era of hatred towards her abilities? Is it possible that the order will never consider those who possess magic have nothing but evil intentions?

...this. Though, I get the impression that you might want to mention if/how this game relates to your other game, BlueSkies. So, maybe something like...

Personal aside
BlueSkies 2 is game featuring an old-school, fantasy RPG atmosphere with an emotionally driven story-line. You may also want to play (or otherwise check out) BlueSkies, which is a sequel/prequel to this game!

...this, depending on where/when this game occurs in relation to the original game.
Hi Marrend! and wow! thankyou so much for your help with the description!! actualy, I was already trying to re-write my description on my own! but I am not quite sure of it! so I will try to fit in your version of the description on it!!

Oh! and BlueSkies 2 in itself is not necessarily a sequel to BlueSkies 1 since it features it's own set of story and characters unique to BlueSkies 1, but it does have the same world and dynamics of BlueSkies 1! but you're right though, I should say how it relates to the previous! ;)

This really helps Marrend, I will try to fit in everything that you have noted! thankyou so much!! xDD
Hey guys ! I need your help because i'm a dick at english and my submision was denied for that reason : Description needs a bit of work when it comes to grammar and sentence structure". Thanks by advance and sorry to ruin English language. ^^'

SYNOPSIS:Egan is the ancient captain of the royal army. He peacefully lives an early and forced retirement after the failure to his last mission against the demon Lazeth.
The failure wasn't without consequences. Indeed, it seems that he wants recover the orbs. Those orbs are artefacts scattered through the world by the primordial Gods to help the world to find a balance by enclosing his conscience in those relics. According to the King, Lazeth seems to covet the power of the Gods and threatens to replace Them. Only person to have already faced Lazeth, Egan is recalled by the King to return to combat and find the way of redemption. This time he will have no room for error.

CHARACTERS:
Egan:
All Male heirs of his family have always been the king's service that reigned. Egan wasn't spared from this tradition and walked in the footstep of his father. He made him proud by winning lot of wars gloriously... Until his fight against the demon Lazeth. This fight has weakened Egan and made him handicaped. Indeed, his right arm was totally destroy in the fight. An alternative to it was created by an alchimist but Egan never regained his motor skills.
Physically and psychologically fallen, he now lives recluses at his home in a remote village from the reste of the world.

Allen:
Although younger than Egan, Allen is the new captain of the royal army. He succeeded to Egan shortly after the defeat against Lazeth. Jealous of the reputation of his predecessor, knowing that Egan is directly responsible for the current condition of the kingdom, he don't understand why so many people believe in him.
Now, Allen tries to take the place of Egan in the heart of the population for supplant his fame and, him too, have his name wrote in the divine writtings

Lazeth:
Lazeth is a demon that only few linving beings has seen. He has a formidable power and is often considered as a fallen God even if his apparition seems pretty recent. We still know nothing of his origins nor of his motivations. Some compare it to a venom: Sometimes, he reserves you an instant death, other times, he takes his time to spread suffering. One thing is certain, ultimately, the victim can't escaped him.

SYSTEMS :
Battle system : Turn by turn.
-- Weapon levels : The more you fight with them, the more powerful your weapons are. A weapon can activate or disactivate skills. Also, the more you use a skill, the more powerful it will be.
-- Cosmetics : Armors and weapons are visible in battle, on the map and in the menu.
Botanical system : Collect plants from the world and create potions.
Orbs System : Two choices when you "save" an orb : First, keep it with you to enhance your power, OR bring it back to his place to pacify the planet. If you didn't success to protect an orb, it's Lazeth who will become more powerful !
Mounts : Find the mounts to move faster !

ANIMATIONS:
Here are some animatics I made for the intro of the game. The final animation is into realization (i've modified some things from the animatics before) :

The other animations that will be played in the game will be made differently, it will be animated paintings.

VIDEOS : They are a little old. The designs and mapping are now different. x)

DEMO & INFOS :
- As you can see, my english speaking is pretty bad, so i'm looking for somebody to help me translate the game from french to english :)
- First demo of the game : August 2016 (french). In english ASAP.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
My first advice, DantonSlip, is to put that character information on a separate tab on the gamepage, once you obtain it. I'm also thinking that the animations and videos (that don't show up for me?) could be submitted as media. As for the rest, maybe...

Egan was forcefully retired as a captain of the royal army, due to a failure of his latest mission against the demon, Lazeth. The King gives him an opportunity to rectify his mistakes: to seek out orbs scattered across the globe that are said to have been forged by the gods to find balance in the world. However, Lazeth also seeks the orbs for his own purpose, and desires to replace their positive energies with his will to conquer and destroy. Surely, Egan's path will cross Lazeth's again. And when that time comes, there would be no room for error.

...this?

*Edit, @Starmage: Could the events of BlueSkies 2 be concurrent to the original? That means that they could be occurring at (approximately) the same time, but in different locations in the game-world.
Hi Marrend, and actually, BlueSkies 2's events happen at a very different or far-away time-line from the original! :) But certain global/universal facts or things that is present at BlueSkies 1 can still appear at BlueSkies 2. Since both games share the same world, just at a different time-line. xD
Thanks for your advice Marrend. I will do that. ;) And thanks for your correction but I think we lose some important points of the story. :/ I will rewrote something maybe and make it clearer. Thanks again !

(It's normal that you can't see the media Marrend, I have deleted them to just put the text here ! :) )
Can anyone help me my Submission has been denied

"Awaken is a 2d RPG inspired by several Anime's such as Hai To Gensou No Grimgar,Log Horizon and Overlord. Set in the world of Teria starts in the city of Calixia.
The story progresses as a character named Sora, wakes up in the world he knows he did not come from. Sora thought everything was a play, and untrue but as the Chief explains the mechanics of the world he knew it really isnt a joke. As the story progresses Sora rises up from poverty and builds a party in order to survive from the world. At the Start Sora meets Yuugi, in which they both created a party of two. "
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Off the top of my head, my suggestion would be something like...

Sora wakes up in an unfamiliar, dream-like world. He did not take things seriously at first, but, after speaking with the chief of the village he woke up in, things start clicking together that this is reality. With the help of his new-found friend, Yuugi, he must survive both poverty, and the world at large.

Awaken is a 2D RPG inspired by several anime, such as Hai To Gensou, No Grimgar, Log Horizon, and Overlord.


...this. Though, the question that occurs to me is if Sora is making any attempt to return to the world where he came from? Even if the folks in the village he wakes up in has no clues how to do it, maybe they could direct him to is some old curmudgeon great sorcerer (or what-have-you) that might know. It's just a thought, though.
Ill try this one, Ill try to make it circle around this. Thank you
Dragon Cult Story
This is a story of a dark mage that worshiped an evil dragon he wanted
To be like the gods and he believed that the dragon could make him a
God so he convinced the people of the land to worship him and do
Watt he wanted as the people came to him, he told them the secrets
Of his power and all that he knows telling them that he was a god
And he was the only one that could save them from evil however
He was evil himself. Now it is up to you and your friends too
Save a young girl's life from an evil cult
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
21781
Are you actually going to stick with that game, or is this going to be another game that gets hidden/removed from the site as soon as you get criticism for it?

...I'm sorry. This isn't the place for such talk. Anyway, given what you've written, I would suggest something like...

This is the story of a dark mage that worshiped an evil dragon. His sole desire was to be as a god, and thought the dragon was the way. As his power grew, the people of the land came to worship him. Drunk with power and attention, he told some of them his secrets, figuring himself to be invincible. He was a god, after all.

It was not long until a cult formed, centering around this mage. A self-proclaimed messiah, he proclaimed that he would rid the world of evil. Of course, certain sacrifices had to be made in order for this to occur. Human sacrifices. You are part of a small group of individuals that rises up against this cult to stop their madness once and for all!


...this?
Hello^^ I need some help. It's such a long description, I'd really appreciate it if anyone could help me fixing this. Thank you. :)


If you have a second chance to save thousands lives by killing four men, what would you do...?"

++STORY++

-779 M.A-

...Hundred Knights were chosen to venture on a dangerous mission by the Epsylian Council.Led by one Aelther Warlord codenamed Neptune. They sought to ravage a camp of Looset Empire,threat to the kingdom in the south territorial....

It is believed that all of them perished on the journey. In actual fact, there's one survivor who became a traitor between them, their only commander in the Battle of the Death Valley, He's Neptune... No one sees the truth except Alcein, a Knight among the 100 mens who died in misery, his faith is crumbling in rage, his soul is wandering unrest between Sheidh world and Hell...

...One day later, Alcein is revived and becomes more powerful with four souls in his body, his sword slays thousands, he returned victorious after defeating the enemies, saved thousands lives of his people. Alcein claims the wealth and glorious title under his name. But a contract with the demon to get his 2nd life has been made, the time to paid the price has come...

Alcein must let his alter egos avenge their suffering from Aelther Warlords. The other souls hold their own grudges just like him. This undeniably act most likely thing that could trigger another war in the process. Will he fulfil the Contract for this peculiarity atonement...?


++CHARACTERS++

Alcein Fraido, a young Elite Knight who died and came back to life with a great power to win the war in the Death Valley.
Auvrelyn deiz Selishandrei, one of the best fighters in Arsei Kingdom. She's mastering the technique of the Seven Swords and almost never defeated by anyone.
Einhazar Lizecsou, a dead veteran assassin in Nouma Empire, his soul traveled around the Jugement Gate and managed to spiritually invade into Alcein's body during the Black Contract.
Balcard Goram, The third soul in Alcein's body, he's is a naive barbarian who protect the Dark Dragon Temple.
Feior Yuai, comes from Yuai Family, a famous bloodline in Archery Skills. He has also been noted to in fact be rather skilled when it comes to women.