ORPHEUS'S PROFILE

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Preparing his church for the increased foot traffic this time of year is Darius, the aging parish priest. Learning firsthand that the Seven rarely answer prayers, he's developed his own way of tending his flock. By day he listens to their troubles...and by night he takes to the Tetrodi streets to deal with their tormentors firsthand. Because Darius is possessed by a powerful demon, and in his twilight years he's going to make sure the city is a just little safer one body at a time. But as the militant Eyes of Heaven begin to arrive for the holiday celebration, he'll have to be deadly careful to protect his secret identity.

This does not need much work at all. Keep all of your writer's "poetry" away from it. It's concise, engaging, and unique.The last thing you need is a bunch of apocalyptic and flowery language that tries to present it as something it's not. Also, I like the protagonist. This is something I'd at least download.

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This needs serious work. Tell me what you guys think about it. This is straight from the Introduction of Teluna Everlast. So no real Spoilers since this bit of story is in the intro!



10 Years ago, A Great Darkness covered the lands. Demons spawned into the world, Undead roamed the lands,the animals of the forest were twisted and corrupted and changed into Ruthless Beasts. This time was known as, The Blight. Countless Villages fell before the might of the Dark Force that Tainted the world.
Soon, Mankind was on the verge of destruction. Ragnar Daver Tyran, created the Divine Enforcers. A group of Knights,Mages,Thieves,Archers anyone who could hold there own in combat. They trained in an Underground city known as Dalure. After 5 Months, they charged out of Dalure and attacked the Demons. Within 3 months, The Blight was Ended.
In present time 1985, The Year of Sun, The Divine Enforcer still exist. Protecting Villages from monsters and such things. But recently, demons have been reported to walk in the Forest of Gakure. Valen Revance Tyran, a reknowned bounty hunter and tracker and now Divine Enforcer has been sent to track down the demons and see if they exist. Simply thinking this was just another mission the Enforcer gave Valen, he began tracking down the Demons. He didn't find any demon, what he found was something worse. A Dark Force worse than the Blight..

You're not kidding that this needs work. This needs a rewrite. That first paragraph is the most generic fantasy trash it's possible to imagine. "A long time ago, there were lots of monsters, but then someone defeated them." Just erase this. I'm willing to bet it has very little relation to the actual plot of your game, the second paragraph. If it is somehow necessary to the current plot, then introduce it little by little throughout the game. If I saw this on a an introduction it would inspire facepalmage. Chances are your game doesn't need to introduce itself with a scrolling text bar about the history of the world. The player should ease into your environment because of the atmosphere, not because you hit them with a wall of text.

As for the second part, it's really generic, but it's better than the first paragraph. It could work if your character's personality is interesting, I guess. I don't know enough about your actual plot to really give any advice about your scenario. I'm not trying to rip you apart and I'm sorry if it's overly critical but including that "blight" stuff I really think is a mistake.