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MAY YOU GIVE FEEDBACK TO THE STORY OF MY GAME?
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DankCrusader
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CloseWell, the story is the best thing my mind could bring me; so please don't be so harsh when giving feedback :P
There is one guy called Dan, that, when he goes to sleep, dream with something weird. He appear in a long and dirty room that has a table in the middle. Then, suddenly, 2 weird guys appear in the table and start to talk to Dan in an unknow language. This continues for minutes (not real minutes obviously) and then a beast appears in front of the table.
All sudden an horrible and cacophonic music starts to sound. The music hurts Dan ears, to the point that he loses his conscience.
This started to happen when he was 13 and he is 16. Then, tired of the dream, he came to the town's elder and tell him what's happening. The elder was really scaredThe elder was really scared when he heard everything. Apparently, Dan was recieving a call from another plane, from a plane that didn't belong to the humans, neither to the alive.
Why was he recieving a message from there? Nobody knew but the elder has the knowledge... Dan must commit a ritual suicide for enter the plane, then find the place where the message was being transmitted.
At first he was really scared of doing that but then the elder told him that there is a way of comming back to the Plane of the alive...
As the dawn approach, he commited suicide in the town's temple.
Did you, guys, like it?
There is one guy called Dan, that, when he goes to sleep, dream with something weird. He appear in a long and dirty room that has a table in the middle. Then, suddenly, 2 weird guys appear in the table and start to talk to Dan in an unknow language. This continues for minutes (not real minutes obviously) and then a beast appears in front of the table.
All sudden an horrible and cacophonic music starts to sound. The music hurts Dan ears, to the point that he loses his conscience.
This started to happen when he was 13 and he is 16. Then, tired of the dream, he came to the town's elder and tell him what's happening. The elder was really scaredThe elder was really scared when he heard everything. Apparently, Dan was recieving a call from another plane, from a plane that didn't belong to the humans, neither to the alive.
Why was he recieving a message from there? Nobody knew but the elder has the knowledge... Dan must commit a ritual suicide for enter the plane, then find the place where the message was being transmitted.
At first he was really scared of doing that but then the elder told him that there is a way of comming back to the Plane of the alive...
As the dawn approach, he commited suicide in the town's temple.
Did you, guys, like it?
I don't see any reason for the 3 years long gap.
Ritual suicide sounds like crap. I would use Dan's need to enter alternative reality as a way to start an adventure. He would need to find some "doors" in order to enter. Another way is that he enters it when he sleeps. In that case the elder could do something to keep him asleep, while he can speak to him and help him to solve the nightmare.
Ritual suicide sounds like crap. I would use Dan's need to enter alternative reality as a way to start an adventure. He would need to find some "doors" in order to enter. Another way is that he enters it when he sleeps. In that case the elder could do something to keep him asleep, while he can speak to him and help him to solve the nightmare.
author=Cap_HWell, I said it wrong; in the game there is not a 3 year gap, that is just some information xD
I don't see any reason for the 3 years long gap.
Ritual suicide sounds like crap. I would use Dan's need to enter alternative reality as a way to start an adventure. He would need to find some "doors" in order to enter. Another way is that he enters it when he sleeps. In that case the elder could do something to keep him asleep, while he can speak to him and help him to solve the nightmare.
I use the ritual suicide because he need to be dead to enter the realm. Thing is, only those who are chosen by that plane can enter it.
author=Cap_H
I don't see any reason for the 3 years long gap.
There doesn't have to be a reason, per say. It was one dream, and it was had twice: once when he was 13 and again when he was 16. It's reasonable to think that the first instance was considered by him to be a regular nightmare, and thought no more of it then. The second time, he might have recalled that he had a similar dream (even if he can't recall exactly when), and that's why he decided to talk about it.
As for the ritual suicide as the only method to enter the other plane of existence, I would tend to agree that it's very difficult to swallow. I suppose it might depend on how Dan was raised, and what kind of society he lives in? For example, if ritual sacrifice of animals was a common religious rite, maybe the logic of committing ritual sacrifice to enter another world might not be as ridiculous-sounding as it would without that context.
Honestly, I think the ritual suicide thing is fine as long as an actual ritual is part of it. It's a plane where you can which you can only access if you're dead and requires a ritual to reach. Otherwise murdered people or those who died by accident or suicide would be going there all the time. Something needs to set Dan's death apart from those ones in order to allow him to make it through where others wouldn't. A ritual as part of the death would account for that. A ritual that allows his soul to travel through to that plane - that makes a lot of sense to me, and not at all ridiculous.
The issue is that I'm not sure if you're up to connecting that idea to the audience with just the details you've given us. You'd have to have the details for the reasons behind the ritual nailed down and explained well in the game in order for it to work well, else players will wonder why other dead souls aren't floating around up there or why Dan is so special.
The issue is that I'm not sure if you're up to connecting that idea to the audience with just the details you've given us. You'd have to have the details for the reasons behind the ritual nailed down and explained well in the game in order for it to work well, else players will wonder why other dead souls aren't floating around up there or why Dan is so special.
Ok, I will add more information about the story :P
-The village where the MC lives is an extreme religious village which uses revelations and oracles as their main beliefs source. They believe in astral planes but not in gods; they don't believe in gods though they believe in lige after death.
-No one knows why Dan is so special; let's say that the plane chose him for a reason, but they don't share the same language as humans do, so they cannot transfer the message properly.
And there are dead souls in the plane, but, if you die in a normal way (natural causes, suicide, accident, etc) you won't remember anything and your body will suffer some big changes. (Changing form, for example. Most of the souls that goes there are converted into monsters or animals, though there are some souls with an human form. It's something random that dosn't mean anything). Then, that plane dosn't have an human language, so I will make Dan somehow learn the language.
-The village where the MC lives is an extreme religious village which uses revelations and oracles as their main beliefs source. They believe in astral planes but not in gods; they don't believe in gods though they believe in lige after death.
-No one knows why Dan is so special; let's say that the plane chose him for a reason, but they don't share the same language as humans do, so they cannot transfer the message properly.
And there are dead souls in the plane, but, if you die in a normal way (natural causes, suicide, accident, etc) you won't remember anything and your body will suffer some big changes. (Changing form, for example. Most of the souls that goes there are converted into monsters or animals, though there are some souls with an human form. It's something random that dosn't mean anything). Then, that plane dosn't have an human language, so I will make Dan somehow learn the language.
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