Heartache 101 ~Sour into Sweet~ Finished content

627

07/06/2013 07:52 PM

Hi, Dozen...good to make your official e-acquaintance. I will lead off by saying that I am disappointed to hear this will likely be our one and only exchange. I made it a point to read through all the threads on this board, and your posts were ones to which I always made it a point to pay attention. Therefore, your approval of Noriko has some meaning.

As for my becoming caretaker of this project...any qualms I'd have would be because of my newness to RMN itself, and because I still can't seem to figure out how to actually post to the 3eeweb site. Otherwise...sure, baptism by fire sounds like great fun!

(I really let myself in for it, didn't I? Ah, well, in for a penny...)

Dozen

697

07/06/2013 09:38 PM

author=dewelar
...I made it a point to read through all the threads on this board, and your posts were ones to which I always made it a point to pay attention. ..

attention
attention
attention
attention

... If this was intentional, you're a genius.

Hey again, everyone, the crazy is back on board! And I'm to stay for a long while! (HAHAHA I'm going to regret this so badly) who missed me?^^

Now let me see what I can do with Noriko here... full review by tomorrow night.

As for my becoming caretaker of this project

That's Custom Content Overseer for all of you punks! Just so you know, you're still heir apparent!;)

Anyone who sees Nekochi, give her a friendly middle finger! Overseer off.

dewelar

627

07/06/2013 10:00 PM

author=Dozen
author=dewelar
...I made it a point to read through all the threads on this board, and your posts were ones to which I always made it a point to pay attention. ..

attention
attention
attention
attention
... If this was intentional, you're a genius.

I neither confirm nor deny the implications of this statement.

Now let me see what I can do with Noriko here... full review by tomorrow night.

...to which I have already added an actual tachie set and a couple new events since last upload, but don't mind me tinkering over here in the corner...

Edit: Not meant to show a lack of gratitude, just as a note that despite being posted to the "finished" board, it...well, isn't. Still looking forward to the review.

As for my becoming caretaker of this project
That's Custom Content Overseer for all of you punks! Just so you know, you're still heir apparent!;)

Yes, Captain...I mean LORD Garth! ;-)

Marrend

Guardian of the Description Thread

21806

07/07/2013 02:08 PM

Somebody sounds like they are in high spirits. Which is good!

Dozen

697

07/07/2013 09:35 PM

Aa. says hi, Marrend. And so do I.

Dewelar, since you've read through the archives(Good going! Up top!:D), you know what's coming next is me mercilessly butchering every piece of dialogue I come across. You are free to take it personally.

I'd like to say for starters, there are precious few issues to be found regarding the heroine herself. She's positively captivating, in fact. The mistakes lie in everything else. You shouldn't forget the love interest is only one part of the game. Tunnel vision will do you no good in the long run.

Rants

Show

1. Generic events don't mean the actual conversation within has to be generic. They start off good enough, but are gradually replaced by stock phrases and cliches(somebody ran out of steam, didn't he?). The story's quality takes a backseat when she comes off as a cardboard cutout outside of it.

2. Replace the "Female Voice" ID with Noriko's in the introduction story. As per an unwritten rule, text by dateable character is always colored red, even if the player doesn't know her yet. Yes, I am aware we're talking about only two lines.

3. A big one. I hope you agree the Player's personality should be at loosely the same person as the core game's protagonist, barring changes he may go through over the course of the storyline. Pay attention, I needed to point this out to one too many devs: He's supposed to have some fucking balls.
Admittably, he is somewhat laid back. But your version of him is astoundingly and unbearably non-committal. There is a filler word and/or awkward pause in almost every one of his sentences. I swear, if I see another unwarranted "well", "umm" or "..." today I'll gouge my eyes out. Even his inner monologues lack his usual snarkiness, self-doubt neatly filling in the vacant space. He comes off to as a mix of a stereotypical nerd terrified of socializing(Marrend) and a detached psychopath(or me, whichever comparison you prefer). He'd have trouble picking up a disillusioned hooker using his weekly vage, let alone a woman who is yet to abandon her dignity.

4. When the above doesn't apply, he's often plain out of character. "And that means she's officially on the market. Good to know."? "You heard the lady"? The guy isn't the Player we know and love. He's his misogynistic jock personality split.

6. "Hey, maybe we could form a new club - the debating-without-arguing club!"
Remember the above quote. It is nothing less than a result of a DC 30 Personality check. We are supposed to be impressed by it. Off with the underwear, ladies! *groan*
Come on now. I conjure up less dreadful lines for my rants. To give you due credit, Stories 666 and 674 are ingenious in comparison. They are proof that you can do better. Why not go ahead?

7. What's with the non-standard Athletics check for no apparent reason? Let's be honest here, we've been through the abusive S.O. trope quite a lot without any of them resorting to assault played for drama. Even if it was absolutely necessary, it should be a major plot point, not an excuse for dealing with the check quota that is mentioned once and never again. Agressively grabbing onto others is not something sane people get over easily. Believe me, I have first hand experience.
Moreover, there's nothing(and nobody, Noriko included) to suggest an Athletics check is coming up. I'm pretty sure domestic violence would increase the game's PG rating, while we're at it. At least give Iwao a semblance of individuality. Right now he's basically a plot device on legs, doing whatever crime against morals needs to be done to advance the story. Antagonists deserve your love as much as your hatred, people.

8. Despite what fairy tales have told you, Knights In Shining Armor are bad news. Don't portray it as something positive. I refuse to give my name to a message such as this.

9. Stick to the eastern name order.

10. What- Poetry? Plot device introduced at end of route? Why?!! For another arbitrary check? Guh! Look, I'm done. For the day. Fix some of these and we'll talk.

dewelar

627

07/07/2013 11:00 PM

author=Dozen
you know what's coming next is me mercilessly butchering every piece of dialogue I come across. You are free to take it personally.

See, THIS is why I decided to make custom content for this game. Honest, brutal feedback. You're my kinda people, Dozen. Honestly, I needed this kick in the ass a week ago, because a lot of this stuff would've been easier to fix then.

Answers to specifics within the hidden bit.

Show

1. Generic events don't mean the actual conversation within has to be generic. They start off good enough, but are gradually replaced by stock phrases and cliches(somebody ran out of steam, didn't he?). The story's quality takes a backseat when she comes off as a cardboard cutout outside of it.

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm one of those people who's always making little changes to stuff, so some portion of what you're seeing is placeholder-ish, meant for later development.

2. Replace the "Female Voice" ID with hers in the introduction story. As per an unwritten rule, text by dateable character is always colored red, even if the player doesn't know her yet. Yes, I am aware we're talking about only two lines.

Fair enough. That was more for the aesthetic reason that the player hasn't met her yet, and thus doesn't know her name until Iwao calls her by it.

3. A big one. I hope you agree the Player's personality should be at least along the lines of the core game's protagonist. Pay attention, I needed to point this out to one too many devs: He's supposed to have some fucking balls.
Admittably, he is somewhat laid back. But your version of him is astoundingly and unbearably non-committal. There is a filler word and/or awkward pause in almost every one of his sentences. I swear, if I see another unwarranted "well", "umm" or "..." today I'm gouging my eyes out. Even his inner monologues lost their snarkiness, self-doubt neatly filling in the vacant space. He comes off to as a mix of a nerd terrified of socializing and a detached psychopath. He'd have trouble picking up a disillusioned hooker using his weekly vage, let alone a woman who is yet to abandon her dignity.

*laughs* I will see what I can do. This will probably be my toughest assignment.

4. When the above doesn't apply, he's often plain out of character. "And that means she's officially on the market. Good to know."? "You heard the lady"? The guy isn't the Player we know and love. He's his misogynistic jock personality split.

*nods* Hand in hand with point 3, methinks, but easier to remedy.

6. "Hey, maybe we could form a new club - the debating-without-arguing club!"
Remember the above quote. It is nothing less than a result of a DC 30 Personality check. We are supposed to be impressed by it. Off with the underwear, ladies! *groan*
Come on now. I conjure up less dreadful lines for my rants. To give you due credit, Stories 666 and 674 are ingenious in comparison. They are proof that you can do better. Why not go ahead?

Hmmmmm...yeah, when I wrote that originally, it was a throwaway, but then I structured a couple other events to play off it later. It's now in there for the express purpose of being a cheesy joke, so they can laugh about it later. I have since reduced the personality check to 20 to reflect this, but perhaps I should just remove it altogether. It's not really accomplishing anything.

Also...I've totally renumbered my stories, so I have only a vague idea which ones were 666 and 674. :-/

6.

Oh, great, point 6 twice. Well, that blows any credibility you had here, my friend ;-) !

What's with the non-standard Athletics check for no apparent reason? Let's be honest here, we've been through the abusive S.O. trope quite a lot without any of them resorting to assault played for drama. Even if it was absolutely necessary, it should be a major plot point, not an excuse for dealing with the check quota that is mentioned once and forgotten right after. Moreover, there's nothing(and nobody, Noriko included) to suggest an Athletics check is coming up. I'm pretty sure domestic violence would increase the game's PG rating, while we're at it. At least give Iwao a semblance of individuality. Right now he's basically a plot device on legs, doing whatever crime against morals needs to be done to advance the story. Antagonists deserve your love as much as your hatred, people.

Fair point. Iwao is definitely one edge of a piece of cardboard at this point. I have a new event for him already written, with another in the works, that should help. And, yeah, the Athletics check is kind of gratuitous there.

7. Despite what fairy tales have told you, Knights In Shining Armor are bad news. Don't portray it as something positive. I refuse to give my name to a message such as this.

I'll address this together with point 9 below.

8. Stick to the eastern name order.

Will have to check where I biffed this one. I don't even remember mentioning Noriko's family name in her story.

9. What- Poetry? Plot device introduced at end of route? Why?!! Guh!

See, I knew I needed more events after he discovers the pad. I've already added one between the roof scene above and the discovery, where she's in the courtyard writing something on the pad, and when the player comes over she fumbles to keep him from seeing it. Definitely needs more fleshing out.

To the larger point, though...that's kind of the story of the character. She's a writer, but at the beginning of the story she only puts this toward writing debate cases. Once she meets the player, the other side of the coin comes out and she discovers her artistic side (or, as she puts it, her "romantic" side). The Knight In Shining Armor thing speaks to that. You can say that nobody buys into it any more, but then I might have to go all Freddy and Sammy on your ass. Anyway, this is why I asked flowerthief about being able to switch a character's proclivities - I wanted to be able to originally have Mind over Soul, then flip-flop those as the story went on to reflect the above.

Also, a bit of background to clarify where the "debate-to-poetry" idea originated: I was also in the debate club, but we didn't do policy debate, we did parliamentary-style debate, where we wrote our own cases and presented them to our opponents cold. There's a degree of creative writing involved, thus debate->poetry being totally viable. I didn't feel like going into the technical details was appropriate, but could be convinced otherwise.

Anyway, if what I'm trying to present isn't coming across, then that's 100% on me. I will do better.

Look, I'm done. For the day. Fix some of these and we'll talk.

Fair enough. I will post the updates I've already made shortly, and work on the above stuff over the next few days. I suppose we should try and take this back to the Content Creation (Artistic) board, though...

Dozen

697

07/08/2013 07:37 AM

Fine with me. Agreed.

dewelar

627

07/08/2013 08:42 AM

...following...

flowerthief

Cult of the Chocobo

1853

07/10/2013 07:37 PM

In that case, thank you for your service, Dozen :)

dewelar, the job in question mostly just involves keeping this page (the Finished Content page) up to date so that players can find content to play. It helps to be familiar with the content that has been made up to this point, but other than that, if you can edit a page, that's about all you need to know. You'd be welcome to keep it updated it with the latest version of the content you're working on, too. Sound good?

dewelar

627

07/10/2013 07:51 PM

flowerthief, while I'm certainly willing to give it the ol' college (or at least second-year-high-school ;-) ) try, and acquiring the Good Dozening Seal of Approval is an honor and all, I admit to some hesitance on the matter, but only because of my knowledge of my own limitations. Keeping the page up to date sounds simple enough, for instance, but if it requires any kind of coding ability, that might be a challenge. Also, I've only run through a couple of the custom stories (Masako and Junko/Aoi) so far, so unless by "familiarity" you mean "know what exists", I'm a bit lacking there.

Drop me a PM and I can give you my e-mail address to discuss it further.

Dozen

697

07/10/2013 09:48 PM

Hey, the offer expired, people. Try to keep up, I rectracted it only a page ago. I named him my successor and that was it.

Besides, the last thing we need is dewelar assuming office before I had a chance to train him. Here he is, being a softie and reasonable towards everyone. Ugh.

dewelar

627

07/10/2013 10:37 PM

Hmmm...is this where we start doing the whole good-cop, bad-cop thing, and I slowly but surely become jaded over time until I eventually become the thing that I hate? Or is this the part where you become my first mate, all the time calling me the Dread Pirate Dozen, while I just start in with the pillaging?

I feel I have much to learn here.

ETA: Oh, and if you're still in charge 'n' stuff, what are the chances of noting that IDs 64 and 65 are in use somewhere semi-official?

flowerthief

Cult of the Chocobo

1853

07/11/2013 12:33 AM

Lol ok, Dozen, you keep at it for now.

dewelar

627

08/21/2013 06:44 PM

Yoshimura Noriko, graduate of finishing school. At least until the next tweak I get it in my head to make.

Dozen

697

10/10/2013 09:01 AM

A public message, everyone.

I am happy and oddly relieved my help wasn't needed in these otherwise demanding days. I am referring to BasedMG, BDFalcon, Dewelar, LorSquirrel and Marrend most when I say, there has never been such enthusiasm combined with actual willingness to do the job right, for which I am thankful. You didn't need to be screamed at non-stop to bring quality work to the table, and provide your best in general to the heartache community. Take pride in your diligence; under my supervision, this a first.

To further encourage your commendable behavior, I've had an oddball idea. All the creators mentioned above are gifted a favor from me. Unskilled as I am, I will gladly and slavishly perform whatever task which doesn't require expertise, or I happen to be good at. The time spent on the work is deliberately unspecified, it can take months if required.

That would be all, Overseer off.

dewelar

627

10/10/2013 07:07 PM

While I cannot take specific credit for doing something I would have done regardless, I would not dare insult the Overseer by refusing such a benevolent gift as this:

author=Dozen
To further encourage your commendable behavior, I've had an oddball idea. All the creators mentioned above are gifted a favor from me. Unskilled as I am, I will gladly and slavishly perform whatever task which doesn't require expertise, or I happen to be good at.

There is one thing that continues to bother me about Noriko: she has no music of her own. If you have any expertise in choosing such things, I would make that my humble request to the Overseer. Otherwise, I shall file this token under "H" for "Toy" until I come up with some other idea.

Dozen

697

10/13/2013 10:08 PM

Fifth iteration of what I mixed from a theme of an old game in Audacity. Which involves more rape than anyone should be confortable with, so I don't feel particularly guilty. The original fit Noriko as she stands somewhat, but I felt some enchancing was in order. Dl the file, Mediafire plays it icky.

The fading in is supposed to symbolize as you often walk by as Noriko is busy with something else, the violin solo is self explanatory, while the heightening bit is a symbolic story premise-driven 'reward' of sorts for people who read the whole dialogue instead of skipping through the game.(I've made a variety of versions where it shows up twice at various points in the theme, either gradually or as a surprise scare, as well as a version without the violin solo in case you find it too cheesy.)

BDFalcon

0

10/13/2013 11:09 PM

author=Dozen
Fifth iteration of what I mixed from a theme of an old game in Audacity

Wait, you can make/mix themes and the like? I think I know what to ask for my favor. ^.^ (or am I reading too much into your comment? ^.^;) Sounds good by the way.

Dozen

697

10/14/2013 01:37 AM

author=BDFalcon
Wait, you can make/mix themes and the like? I think I know what to ask for my favor. ^.^ (or am I reading too much into your comment? ^.^;) Sounds good by the way.

Thank you. And, well, I ain't a virtuose (unless it's a B-Horn solo in a professional studio, I suppose, but that's not happening in my lifetime). Still, after two years of fumbling around with MuseScore and Audacity I can hack together sound files good enough to not be embarrassed posting them publicly.

LorSquirrel

212

10/14/2013 02:10 AM

author=Dozen
Fifth iteration

I can stop listening to it. This is pretty awesome! Nice job Dozen.

Heartache 101 ~Sour into Sweet~

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