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Content creation (technical)
author=Garageauthor=MarrendHmm about the last sentence - there are several reasons why Sayumi should not do this.
My opinion on this might be to lampshade/reference this, but still come out saying what you mean. Such as...
ID = 78
Hey, <player>, do you know who's responsible for the lockers?
ID = 0
The locker rooms? No clue!
ID = 78
What? No, not the locker rooms! The lockers in the hall!
# FRIENDLY, maybe? Whatever would make the next line to feel like she's coming off as kidding/teasing.
You know, the ones you use to give, or receive, anonymous love-notes in?
...this, or something like it.
Yeah, angry rather than teasing.
author=Garage
Hope Mayumi's music too ;)
Actually, I generally play with sound off now, since my PC isn't the only one in the room and wearing headphones gives me a headache pretty quickly.
author=Garageauthor=dewelarI don't know nuffin' 'bout other schools in Japan, but "our" school clearly has both locker rooms (referenced in several stories) and individual lockers in the hall (somethimes visiable during the roll-the-dice part).
Come to think of it, from what I've seen most Japanese schools don't have gym lockers, just changing areas with cubbies where you stash your regular clothes. Then again, I haven't done any research in this particular area and am only going by what I've seen in anime/manga, which I wouldn't exactly consider a trustworthy source :| .
True enough. That was meant as a comment on flowerthief's design, not your story choices ;-) .
Next up, STORY 7700:
Seems you're in advantage of me.
- Usually, this would be phrased as "Seems you have me at a disadvantage," but "Seems you have an advantage on me" would also work.
She is from the same year as me - so I run into her regularly.
- This doesn't need a dash - just a comma, I think. ;-)
Content creation (technical)
author=Garageauthor=dewelarHighschool kids / juveniles have a tendency to break rules. Especially about what to say and how to say it.
"Ain't" is not typically considered to be grammatically correct, and when it's used in writing it's generally meant to convey that the person using it is uneducated, extraordinarily informal, or from an area where it's in common use, such as the Deep South.
*nods* That would fall under "extraordinarily informal" :D .
author=Garageauthor=Johnny Cash;) quintuple nagatives ftw.
I ain't never got nothin' from nobody, no time
Ah, I see you are a person with good taste! Excellent!
author=Marrend
My opinion on this might be to lampshade/reference this, but still come out saying what you mean. Such as...
Yeah, I like Marrend's idea here. Come to think of it, from what I've seen most Japanese schools don't have gym lockers, just changing areas with cubbies where you stash your regular clothes. Then again, I haven't done any research in this particular area and am only going by what I've seen in anime/manga, which I wouldn't exactly consider a trustworthy source :| .
Continuing my proofreading, we jump down to STORY 7613:
(Seems like I guessed their names wrongly once to often!)
- should be "once too often"
Content creation (technical)
author=Garage
About the elipsis(es) ... nope. I just like it better my way. ;)
I can live with that :) .
author=Garage
Talking about contractions. Is there a rule for when "I am not" will be come "I'm not" and when it should be "I ain't" ... ?
"Ain't" is not typically considered to be grammatically correct, and when it's used in writing it's generally meant to convey that the person using it is uneducated, extraordinarily informal, or from an area where it's in common use, such as the Deep South.
author=Garage
Similar: "You are not" -> "You're not" ./. "You aren't" ... ?
"You're not" is probably the more commonly heard of the two, but there really isn't a solid difference.
author=Garage
Oops - according to wikipedia there are contractions like "could not have" -> "couldn’t’ve" ... really?
This one's more about people having a tendency to run words together when speaking. It comes out sounding like that, and so it leaks its way into the language as recognized usage. It's also why so many people mistake it for "couldn't of", which...is nonsensical, but when has that ever stopped us :/ ?
STORY 7602 and 7603 ahead...
7602:
Ah. <player> - do you know who is responsible for the personal lockers in this school?
- "personal" probably isn't necessary here and through the rest of the scene, as it would be understood
7603:
(This must be the first time I see one of them without the other ...)
- Should be "first time I've seen"
Each time to see one of us you have to guess the name.
- Each time you see one of us
I don't see no point in trying.
- English grammar frowns on "double negatives" like this (since, technically, if you "don't see no point", then you do see a point :) -- although, as with the "ain't" case above, you still hear it fairly regularly). Since Kazuhiko tends to sound at least somewhat educated, this should be either "I don't see the point in trying" or "I see no point in trying". If I had to pick, I'd go with the first one.
Content creation (technical)
author=Garage
Sigh - I tend to use "I do not" instead of "I don't" as emphasis. I do tend to overuse this. And I don't always remember that contractions are the norm.
Example: "No. They are two. We are two." - I would deliberatly leave the "are"s uncontracted here because the speaking person is trying to make a point.
Understandable. Still, in such cases you should probably consider adding bold and/or italic formatting to the text to properly convey that emphasis.
EDIT: While I'm here, STORY 7601...
Hi, my name is <player> I'm from the 2nd year.
- This probably should be either "I'm in the second year" or "I'm a second-year".
We're 2nd year, too.
- This one definitely should be "We're second-years, too."
On a side note, from a style standpoint there aren't supposed to be spaces before and after an ellipsis in written English. However, since it does make it easier for me to read the text in-game, I'm not going to complain about it :D .
Content creation (technical)
author=Garage
@dewelar: I've just thrown out that unfortunate route you didn't seem to like anymore then I do myself, you know "twelve years later" ...
It will not be part of a the next release of WingGirl.
*nods approvingly*
author=Garage
Any other bugs not-nice-things or spelling errors you have for me would be very much apprechiated.
Unfortunately, last week wound up being much busier than I expected, so I haven't started on a new playthrough yet. I hope to do so this week. However, since I'm here and posting, I'll start at the top of the story file:
In STORY 7600:
(Stop starring at them. Either approach them, or move on.)
- Should be "staring", one 'r'
On a more global view, you might want to consider using more contractions, such as:
(The right one turned away - maybe she is a bit shy?)
- "she's" rather than "she is" would flow better
(That, or she does not like me.)
- "doesn't" feels better here
(They did not even seem to notice me.)
- "didn't"
It might seem minor, but I think it would make things feel more natural.
Content creation (artistic)
author=Garageauthor=dewelarYou know what? If you don't mind I'd like to use your version instead of mine.
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, do hereby vow that I shall henceforth treat thy friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care that I would wish thee to show mine own sister."
...but even more embellished and prosaic. Not necessary, but it might be aesthetically pleasing :).
Thou dost have my permission to do so. *grin*
author=Garage
No consonant but "n" can end a sylable? Never ever? ... Is that the reason why some words borrowed from English somehow seem to acquire an -u as ending?
To quote myself above..."pretty much". My comment a few posts back about certain "u"s being nearly sub-vocalized is related to this as well.
Content creation (artistic)
author=Marrendauthor=dewelar, snippedHrm. Yeah, that might make sense. I remember being somewhat surprised by the pronunciation of "Aya" in The Third Birthday as well.
...it would be more like "Mah-yew".
In Japanese, the letter "y" is always a consonant, and so cannot end a syllable ("n" is a special case, because translation conventions render "ん" as "n"). If you're shooting for "mew", the closest you could come would be "Miu".
Content creation (artistic)
Should do, yes. If you really must represent it in her speech, there is something of a translation convention, although it's nowhere near universal. A number of works have rendered formal Japanese as Elizabethan-era English. So, her statement:
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, hereby vow that I will treat your friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care
that I'd want you to show my sister."
...would come out something like:
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, do hereby vow that I shall henceforth treat thy friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care that I would wish thee to show mine own sister."
...but even more embellished and prosaic. Not necessary, but it might be aesthetically pleasing :).
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, hereby vow that I will treat your friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care
that I'd want you to show my sister."
...would come out something like:
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, do hereby vow that I shall henceforth treat thy friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care that I would wish thee to show mine own sister."
...but even more embellished and prosaic. Not necessary, but it might be aesthetically pleasing :).
Content creation (artistic)
author=Marrend
For some reason, I've always envisioned Ruri saying "Mew" rather than "May-ew". Like it's probably supposed to be?
Neeeeever miiiind!
If you're talking about the pronunciation of "Mayu", it would be more like "Mah-yew".
author=Garage
The real problem is, that I should stop assuming anything about English pronounciation ... (at least without checking it thrice and then another four times) ;)
That's probably wise. English has almost no hard-and-fast rules for pronunciation, sadly.
So "Riho" would sound almost like me (being German) would pronounce it anyway?
Or - if that's easier for you - like the Spanish word for river (rio), but with an audible "h" in the middle?
Maybe with the initial "r" sounding ... more like a mixture between l and r?
Pretty much.
author=Garage
Is there a way to indicate that she is using a more formal languange here then she would normally use? Like, she wants to make absolutely clear that she feels ... honor-bound to that vow and respects his friendship with Himeko?
There is, but it doesn't really translate well to English. You should probably just have Kazuhiko indicate in his internal monologue that he can tell she's being particularly formal and be suitably affected by her sincerity.
Content creation (artistic)
Somehow I missed this when it was originally posted.
So I see. I'd intended to link to the article for Klaus Meine on Wikipedia Japan.
The problem is that, in English, "river" and "like" have very different sounding "i" sounds, and neither sounds like the "i" in "Riho" would. The standard Japanese vowel sounds are similar to those in Spanish, so "i" would be more like the English long "e", but somewhat clipped (for a true long "e" you need to extend the sound, which is Anglicized as "ii" or sometimes "ī").
author=Garageauthor=dewelarYour link seems to get murdered somewhere between your post and me clicking it.
Phonetically, it would come out to "ku-ra-u-su ma-i-ne" (クラウス マイネ). Unless you're listening closely, the only major difference would be the Japanese "l/r" consonant sound replacing the "l", as the "ku" and "su" vowels would be almost subvocalizations.
So I see. I'd intended to link to the article for Klaus Meine on Wikipedia Japan.
author=Garage
Ah - the transcription seems to be based on the english pronouncation ... but with vowels from romanic languages ... so the "i" in "Riho" should be somewhat like that in "river" or "like". Sigh - at least if it's "Hepburn romanization" we are talking about ...
The problem is that, in English, "river" and "like" have very different sounding "i" sounds, and neither sounds like the "i" in "Riho" would. The standard Japanese vowel sounds are similar to those in Spanish, so "i" would be more like the English long "e", but somewhat clipped (for a true long "e" you need to extend the sound, which is Anglicized as "ii" or sometimes "ī").
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