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Posts
Gourd_Clae
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CloseJust try adding quirky things in to indicate thought. Think about what you do while you think and talk at the same time. You may stutter a tiny bit, use the word "um", end a thought awkwardly so you can just begin another, emphasize words in weird places because you're stalling for just the right word afterwards, and stringing "ands". I'm sure you can think of a few more! The context could help though.
Another way to use as few ellipses as possible is to give just a liiiiitle bit of a "why".
I tried it out, though it may sound a little undesirable to you, just change it to the way you like it!
"I hate gaining weight and doing chores. My dream is, well, I h-haven't decided yet."
"I hate scary places and dark places and... being alone. As for my dream, I don't really KNOW what I should be."
"I hate doing things against my will, you know? I'm REALLY not sure what I want to be yet. I'll know it when I see it."
Another way to use as few ellipses as possible is to give just a liiiiitle bit of a "why".
I tried it out, though it may sound a little undesirable to you, just change it to the way you like it!
"I hate gaining weight and doing chores. My dream is, well, I h-haven't decided yet."
"I hate scary places and dark places and... being alone. As for my dream, I don't really KNOW what I should be."
"I hate doing things against my will, you know? I'm REALLY not sure what I want to be yet. I'll know it when I see it."
Can you please see if my game's (Currently pending) description is acceptable?
Beware, though. It has length.
Beware, though. It has length.
Ying Yang is a game I am making.
Alone, really. I apologize if there are any other games of sort that have the same name or something akin to it. All music that will be used belongs to their respective authors! I take no credit!
Ying Yang is, as the title says. Related to Ying and Yang.
The game was first made as just a test around with VX Ace, I scrapped it and decided to entirely remake it. This is the result.
Some characters of the game are:
Yang
----------
AGE:17
GENDER:Female
She is the main character, like. The main main character.
She has set out on a journey that ends up to be the ride of a lifetime.
Helping her along is her pet fireball, Blazer. And her best friend, Yo.
Together they will somehow save the world, even though they have no idea how.
She knows a fair deal of knowledge about tools and weapons. Yo taught her most of what she knows with swords. While she naturally knows how to use magic to a small extent. Only able to create small little gusts of wind.
Yo
----------
AGE:18
GENDER:Male
Yo is Yang's best friend. He is strong, kind, and able to go the distance to get things done and do what's right. A friend to the end, to put it brief! He is quite skilled with swords, and has actually tought Yang a thing or two about using them beforehand, as far back as to when Yang was 14!
Ling
----------
AGE:27
GENDER:Female
Ling is Ying's mortal form. As it is, Ying already controlled large portions of the world. After power consumed her, and she became corrupted.. She longed for more. So much more. As destiny would have it, just as she is about to unleash her fury upon the planet, fate would have Yang and her friends journey out to stop it, unknown to them, is how the tables have been turned so strongly in the roles of these two.
The Taijitu
------------
The Taijitu is what Ying and Yang are called as a whole. The tables have been turned. Yang is ussually agressive. Ying is ussually kind. These roles have switched, for a unknown reason.
Draco
-----------
AGE:2000
GENDER:N/A
A god, a devine, and a constellation. Draco is one of the mainly praised gods. Sometimes, Draco is related to Akatosh of Skyrim due to his being depicted as a dragon. This is un-true, of course. Draco is guiding Yang, doing what he can within his restrictions to help her. However.. even god's have their limits...
And sooner or later.. Things might go wrong..
The story is as follows:
"They say Ying and Yang are symbols of peace. The symbol of bonds between us all.
...Human Beings... What is invalid about this statement, is simple to understand. Human beings do not truly know what togetherness is. All they do is fight, and brawl... Humanity is slowly dooming itself, lowering into darkness.. This darkness has already corrupted Ying's mortal form, the one named Ling. She was already powerful. Her corruption has made her long for total domination of the world. She has created a powerful army. And is ready to unleash her fury upon the entire planet. As legend would have it, Yang's mortal form has just been un-expectedly casted out into the world to stop this tragedy from befalling humanity. Although, the story is not exactly set in stone. When un-expected turn of events happen, even the gods don't know what to do or to expect. Will Yang be able to put a stop to this madness? Or will Ying's forces take over the planet, sealing it's fate? Only a legend composed of fate, and will-power will tell..."
Alone, really. I apologize if there are any other games of sort that have the same name or something akin to it. All music that will be used belongs to their respective authors! I take no credit!
Ying Yang is, as the title says. Related to Ying and Yang.
The game was first made as just a test around with VX Ace, I scrapped it and decided to entirely remake it. This is the result.
Some characters of the game are:
Yang
----------
AGE:17
GENDER:Female
She is the main character, like. The main main character.
She has set out on a journey that ends up to be the ride of a lifetime.
Helping her along is her pet fireball, Blazer. And her best friend, Yo.
Together they will somehow save the world, even though they have no idea how.
She knows a fair deal of knowledge about tools and weapons. Yo taught her most of what she knows with swords. While she naturally knows how to use magic to a small extent. Only able to create small little gusts of wind.
Yo
----------
AGE:18
GENDER:Male
Yo is Yang's best friend. He is strong, kind, and able to go the distance to get things done and do what's right. A friend to the end, to put it brief! He is quite skilled with swords, and has actually tought Yang a thing or two about using them beforehand, as far back as to when Yang was 14!
Ling
----------
AGE:27
GENDER:Female
Ling is Ying's mortal form. As it is, Ying already controlled large portions of the world. After power consumed her, and she became corrupted.. She longed for more. So much more. As destiny would have it, just as she is about to unleash her fury upon the planet, fate would have Yang and her friends journey out to stop it, unknown to them, is how the tables have been turned so strongly in the roles of these two.
The Taijitu
------------
The Taijitu is what Ying and Yang are called as a whole. The tables have been turned. Yang is ussually agressive. Ying is ussually kind. These roles have switched, for a unknown reason.
Draco
-----------
AGE:2000
GENDER:N/A
A god, a devine, and a constellation. Draco is one of the mainly praised gods. Sometimes, Draco is related to Akatosh of Skyrim due to his being depicted as a dragon. This is un-true, of course. Draco is guiding Yang, doing what he can within his restrictions to help her. However.. even god's have their limits...
And sooner or later.. Things might go wrong..
The story is as follows:
"They say Ying and Yang are symbols of peace. The symbol of bonds between us all.
...Human Beings... What is invalid about this statement, is simple to understand. Human beings do not truly know what togetherness is. All they do is fight, and brawl... Humanity is slowly dooming itself, lowering into darkness.. This darkness has already corrupted Ying's mortal form, the one named Ling. She was already powerful. Her corruption has made her long for total domination of the world. She has created a powerful army. And is ready to unleash her fury upon the entire planet. As legend would have it, Yang's mortal form has just been un-expectedly casted out into the world to stop this tragedy from befalling humanity. Although, the story is not exactly set in stone. When un-expected turn of events happen, even the gods don't know what to do or to expect. Will Yang be able to put a stop to this madness? Or will Ying's forces take over the planet, sealing it's fate? Only a legend composed of fate, and will-power will tell..."
You could make a separate page for your character bios, and just glancing at them I can see there are minor spelling errors, a weird flow, and some grammar mistakes too. I'm going to focus on the story part that you should make your description.
You could put together the first two sentences of the story with a semicolon. I'm not really sure why you say "...Human Beings..." before the next sentence. You don't really need the comma in the sentence about the opening statement's invalidity. You don't need to capitalize humanity every time you use the word. You may want to make the phrase "lowering into darkness" to "lowering itself into darkness". You may want to change the sentence about Ling wanting total domination to not include "of the world" or change "domination" to "dominion".
"And is ready to unleash her fury upon the entire planet." Could probably be fused with the sentence before it (remember to use a comma). You want the word "cast" not "casted". You may want to change the sentence "Although, the story is not exactly set in stone" to include an ellipses at the end instead of a period, otherwise it sounds a little weird in my head at least. You want "an unexpected turn of events". Change the "it's" before the word "fate" to "its". Hmm, someone else can help you with your bios. Hope this helps!
You could put together the first two sentences of the story with a semicolon. I'm not really sure why you say "...Human Beings..." before the next sentence. You don't really need the comma in the sentence about the opening statement's invalidity. You don't need to capitalize humanity every time you use the word. You may want to make the phrase "lowering into darkness" to "lowering itself into darkness". You may want to change the sentence about Ling wanting total domination to not include "of the world" or change "domination" to "dominion".
"And is ready to unleash her fury upon the entire planet." Could probably be fused with the sentence before it (remember to use a comma). You want the word "cast" not "casted". You may want to change the sentence "Although, the story is not exactly set in stone" to include an ellipses at the end instead of a period, otherwise it sounds a little weird in my head at least. You want "an unexpected turn of events". Change the "it's" before the word "fate" to "its". Hmm, someone else can help you with your bios. Hope this helps!
thatbennyguy
1612
author=revised version
They say the Ying and the Yang are symbols of peace, the symbol of bonds between us all. What is invalid about this statement, is simple to understand. Human beings do not truly know what togetherness is. All the humans do is fight and brawl; humanity is slowly succumbing itself to doom, lowering its state into pure darkness.. This darkness has already corrupted Ying's mortal form, the one named Ling. She was already powerful. Her corruption made her long for the total domination of the world. She has created the powerful and perfect army, and is ready to unleash her fury upon the entire planet. As legend would have it, Yang's mortal form has been unexpectedly cast out into the world, to prevent this tragedy from befalling humanity. However, this is not to say the story is exactly set in stone. That is, when unexpected turns of events happen, perhaps even the gods will not know what to do or expect. Will Yang be able to put a stop to this madness? Or will Ying's forces take over the planet, sealing its fate? Only a legend composed of fate and will-power can stop its doomed destiny.
Only time will tell... 'Ying Yang' is a game I am making (me, alone), relating to the concepts of Ying and Yang and their place in the fantasy realm. The game was first made as a test using VX Ace, but I scrapped it and decided to remake it entirely. This is the result.
Enjoy!
CHARACTERS:
Yang
AGE: 17
GENDER: Female
Our protagonist is setting out on a journey that may end up to be the ride of a lifetime. Helping her along the way is her pet fireball, Blazer, and her best friend, Yo. Together they will somehow save the world, even despite them having no idea how. She knows a fair deal of knowledge about tools and weapons, and Yo taught her most of what she knows with swords. While she naturally knows how to use magic to a small extent, she is currently only able to create small little gusts of wind.
Yo
AGE: 18
GENDER: Male
Yo is Yang's best friend. He is strong, kind, and able to go the distance to get things done and do what's right. A friend to the end, to put it brief! He is quite skilled with swords, and has taught Yang a thing or two about using them, as far back as to when Yang was 14.
Ling
AGE: 27
GENDER:
Female Ling is Ying's mortal form. As it is, Ying has already seized control of large portions of the world. After power consumed her, and she became corrupted, she longed for more. So much more. As destiny would have it, just as she is about to unleash her fury upon the planet, fate would have Yang and her friends might journey out to stop it. This is how the tables have been turned, and unknown to them, favour has decided to turn strongly on their side.
The Taijitu
The Taijitu is what Ying and Yang are called as a whole. The tables have been turned. Yang is usually aggressive, whereas Ying is usually kind. But, for an unknown reason, their roles have been switched.
Draco
AGE: 2000
GENDER: N/A
A god, a divine, and a constellation. Draco is one of the major praised gods. Sometimes, Draco is related to Akatosh of Skyrim due to his being depicted as a dragon. This is untrue, of course. Draco is guiding Yang, doing what he can within his restrictions to help her. However, even gods have their limits. And sooner or later, things tend to go astray.
I rewrote it, if you like it.
I would also suggest a separate page for characters. I would also start out with the story, and then make the personal aside of what the aims of the game are, or any previous development history. Kinda like how thatbennyguy has things set up, actually.
Mr_Detective
60
author=Gourd_Clae
@MrDetective
Native English speakers don't generally say "which way something is at". Usually they say "which direction is it in". And you come off as a bit of an airhead with too many ellipses. I'd probably cut it down to just one at the end of the interjection so it sounds more like thought and less like bumbling.
Maybe:
"Hm, let's see... Which direction is the school in?"
So how should I fix these two dialogues to be more grammatically correct? :P
author=Hazumu
And do you know which way our school is?
author=Me
Hm... I was wondering about that. Is it at the north direction from here?
Thanks for your help. :P
thatbennyguy
1612
author=Mr_Detective
So how should I fix these two dialogues to be more grammatically correct? :Pauthor=Hazumu
And do you know which way our school is?author=Me
Hm... I was wondering about that. Is it at the north direction from here?
Thanks for your help. :P
The first one's OK, from my perspective.
The second one, I'd say this.
"Hmmm, I was wondering about that. Isn't it north from here?"
You could say it in many ways, but I don't think "at the north direction" is correct. And I'd say you use "isn't it" to indicate that he's guessing.
author=Hazumu
And do you know which way our school is?
To use a sentence like this, I would say that there would have to be an expectation by the speaker that there was more information to be had, and is attempting to "get it out there" without being too forceful. Otherwise, one isn't supposed to start a sentence with "and".
author=Me
Hm... I was wondering about that. Is it at the north direction from here?
It depends how it came to the speaker that the school is north. If it's a sudden thing, perhaps something like, "Hey, I was wondering about that! Wait a sec, isn't it north from here?" If there was a pause in thought before the vague memory came back, thatbennyguy's suggestion is sound.
If you're looking at it from the perspective of "realistic" dialogue, people very rarely if ever refer to the locations of things by their compass direction because it's not often the person to whom you're speaking will be carrying a compass. If you don't know which direction is north, that information is somewhat superfluous.
However, in RPGs there's sort of an unwritten rule that north is always the direction towards the top of the screen and everyone in the world is innately aware of this fact, despite there not technically being a "camera" that dictates everyone's vision, but I digress. :P
However, in RPGs there's sort of an unwritten rule that north is always the direction towards the top of the screen and everyone in the world is innately aware of this fact, despite there not technically being a "camera" that dictates everyone's vision, but I digress. :P
Mr_Detective
60
author=Trihan
However, in RPGs there's sort of an unwritten rule that north is always the direction towards the top of the screen and everyone in the world is innately aware of this fact, despite there not technically being a "camera" that dictates everyone's vision, but I digress. :P
Yup, the player is supposed to go toward the top of the screen to get to school. I put north just so the player could have an easy clue where to go. :P
author=Marrendauthor=HazumuTo use a sentence like this, I would say that there would have to be an expectation by the speaker that there was more information to be had, and is attempting to "get it out there" without being too forceful. Otherwise, one isn't supposed to start a sentence with "and".
And do you know which way our school is?Doesn't stop some people, though.
Well, the whole dialogue was:
author=Hazumu
No problem! I am always happy to help
out other people if they need. And do you
know which way our school is?
thatbennyguy
1612
@Mr_Detective Yeah, I'd get rid of the "And", and make it just: "Do you know which way our school is?". If you need to put a word there, it'd be "but", not "and": "But do you know which way our school is?"
I prefer the one without the "but" though.
I prefer the one without the "but" though.
Arandomgamemaker
1629
Here's the description I currently have for Doggie Dayz:
A game made for the Vx Ace Lite Cookoff! (So it was made in 2 weeks.)
You are the dog, Buddy. Your epic quest starts when your owner is randomly kidnapped
off-screen. Conquer the three shrines of sealing and go rescue her! Along the way, you are (kind of forced) to ally with the local farm animals.
May the odds be ever in your favor. (Yes, really.)
Features:
-Rpg Maker 2000/2003 era graphics!
-Equip items to increase stats/learn skills!
-Semi-Linearity! (Yay?)
-The soundtrack of 2K/3.....in 8 bit!
-Bearable mapping!
You are the dog, Buddy. Your epic quest starts when your owner is randomly kidnapped
off-screen. Conquer the three shrines of sealing and go rescue her! Along the way, you are (kind of forced) to ally with the local farm animals.
May the odds be ever in your favor. (Yes, really.)
Features:
-Rpg Maker 2000/2003 era graphics!
-Equip items to increase stats/learn skills!
-Semi-Linearity! (Yay?)
-The soundtrack of 2K/3.....in 8 bit!
-Bearable mapping!
A few things:
1. Both the V and X in VX are capitalised.
2. You possibly don't need to mention that it was made in 2 weeks; anyone who knows about the Ace Lite Cookoff will likely already know it was 2 weeks long, and anyone who doesn't probably won't care as much how long it took. That said, there is a small subset of users who may not realise how short a timeframe the game was made in if you don't explicitly say so, so that's a moot point.
3. To say you are "the" dog doesn't read right at this point since we have no knowledge of the dog we're playing as. That said, "a" dog doesn't quite work either.
4. Your joking parentheses don't really work as written. Parentheses are used to give extra information not entirely necessary to the sentence, so the basic rule is that the sentence will read the same if you take them out. If you take yours out, you're left with "Along the way, you are to ally with..." which does make sense if you're declaring what the player is going to do, but has more of a commanding connotation. I think what you really wanted was "Along the way, you are (kind of) forced to ally with..."
5. I don't think you really need the "Yes, really." after the Hunger Games reference.
6. I know it's intended as somewhat of a joke, but your features list might as well not be there as it's pretty much the bare minimum people expect from an RPG.
1. Both the V and X in VX are capitalised.
2. You possibly don't need to mention that it was made in 2 weeks; anyone who knows about the Ace Lite Cookoff will likely already know it was 2 weeks long, and anyone who doesn't probably won't care as much how long it took. That said, there is a small subset of users who may not realise how short a timeframe the game was made in if you don't explicitly say so, so that's a moot point.
3. To say you are "the" dog doesn't read right at this point since we have no knowledge of the dog we're playing as. That said, "a" dog doesn't quite work either.
4. Your joking parentheses don't really work as written. Parentheses are used to give extra information not entirely necessary to the sentence, so the basic rule is that the sentence will read the same if you take them out. If you take yours out, you're left with "Along the way, you are to ally with..." which does make sense if you're declaring what the player is going to do, but has more of a commanding connotation. I think what you really wanted was "Along the way, you are (kind of) forced to ally with..."
5. I don't think you really need the "Yes, really." after the Hunger Games reference.
6. I know it's intended as somewhat of a joke, but your features list might as well not be there as it's pretty much the bare minimum people expect from an RPG.
thatbennyguy
1612
@Trihan I don't think you're touching on the right things about this description to improve. If he improves these things, then his description will probably still be rejected.
The thing is, I just think it's too short and non-descript. What's the backstory? Who are the characters? What are the plot points? What's the style/gameplay and what is some further details to pad out your game? I'd go for something along the lines of this:
Something like that.
The thing is, I just think it's too short and non-descript. What's the backstory? Who are the characters? What are the plot points? What's the style/gameplay and what is some further details to pad out your game? I'd go for something along the lines of this:
<This game was made for the 2-Week VX Ace Lite Cook-off>
Synopsis:
You are the dog, Buddy, a canine companion to mankind, truly man's best friend. Buddy's owner, however, is kidnapped from his house, spurring Buddy's quest to locate his owner's captors, and seek his vengeance. His quest to conquer the three Shrines of Sealing will enable him to find her, but he will need some help to do this. Allying alongside the local farm animals, Buddy treks across the vast land to find his owner, and retrieve her from the clutches of evil power.
Features:
- Rpg Maker 2000/2003 era graphics!
- Equip items to increase stats/learn skills!
- Semi-non-linearity!
- The soundtrack of 2K3... in 8-bit!
- Bearable mapping!
Characters:
Name: Buddy
Gender: Male
Species: Golden Retriever
Backstory: Since he was born in the pound to two happy dog parents, he was abandoned by both of them to be sold to the highest bidder. Fortunately, a gracious female owner managed to convince her parents to buy the puppy, and he has been taken care of with great nurturing and love. However, his owner has been stolen and there's only one thing to do. Ruff!
Name: Sarah
Gender: Female
Species: Human
Backstory: Born in a sheltered home, she never expeceted to be kidnapped by outsiders. She is the doted daughter of her parents, who own a cafe in inner city Smallton. She likes lollipops and her puppy, Buddy. She takes him for walks every Wednesday.
Something like that.
Inchi
43
Can someone help me proofread my page .
CLASSICAL JRPG For everyone .
Stormville is a small kingdom closest to the center of the earth where the war is gonna take place . so it would mostly be affected by the war . In the game you will play as vince an average swordsman striving to save stormville and the wholeworld , Traveling while getting stronger and looking for companions to do his dead brothers wishes .
Plot :
A war is about to happen . The countries are striving to get more power and control . greatly affection small villages and kingdoms , especially stormville . Stormville was capture by Ryle ( The king of Stormville's son and who is working for the Thunder Country ) Making Stormville a part of the thunder country .
Before Stormville was taken over by ryle . The king asked Jordan ( Vince's Brother ) that if anything happens to the the Him .. Jordan to take his place as the king and save Stormville from suffering . But when Jordan and Vince was about to Escape town they had an encounter with Cia ( Another Captain of the Thunder Country ) . In order for Vince to survive Jordan Sacrificed himself leaving Vince all the burden of his brothers Responsibility .
FEATURES :
Characters stats and skills Doesn't increase upon leveling up making the player to depend on Equipment and Items to advance and so you cannot overpower Enemies by leveling up .
+Equipment Levels
+Crafting System
+Side view Battle System ( CUSTOM ACTION SEQUENCES )
+EPIC STORY
+etc etc , Still on production . I'll add more soon !
Introduction + Battle System Demo (DEMO V.0.1)
The available skills in the demo are all built in the main character + I removed the MP cost so you can tryout everything . Have Fun!
Note : Talk to the boy at the end of the demo .
It would Summon a dummy you can battle so you can test the skills without you or the enemy dying .
Demo Link : https://www.dropbox.com/s/y0dmccyj518itgk/STORMVILLE%20-%20Demo%201.exe
CLASSICAL JRPG For everyone .
Stormville is a small kingdom closest to the center of the earth where the war is gonna take place . so it would mostly be affected by the war . In the game you will play as vince an average swordsman striving to save stormville and the wholeworld , Traveling while getting stronger and looking for companions to do his dead brothers wishes .
Plot :
A war is about to happen . The countries are striving to get more power and control . greatly affection small villages and kingdoms , especially stormville . Stormville was capture by Ryle ( The king of Stormville's son and who is working for the Thunder Country ) Making Stormville a part of the thunder country .
Before Stormville was taken over by ryle . The king asked Jordan ( Vince's Brother ) that if anything happens to the the Him .. Jordan to take his place as the king and save Stormville from suffering . But when Jordan and Vince was about to Escape town they had an encounter with Cia ( Another Captain of the Thunder Country ) . In order for Vince to survive Jordan Sacrificed himself leaving Vince all the burden of his brothers Responsibility .
FEATURES :
Characters stats and skills Doesn't increase upon leveling up making the player to depend on Equipment and Items to advance and so you cannot overpower Enemies by leveling up .
+Equipment Levels
+Crafting System
+Side view Battle System ( CUSTOM ACTION SEQUENCES )
+EPIC STORY
+etc etc , Still on production . I'll add more soon !
Introduction + Battle System Demo (DEMO V.0.1)
The available skills in the demo are all built in the main character + I removed the MP cost so you can tryout everything . Have Fun!
Note : Talk to the boy at the end of the demo .
It would Summon a dummy you can battle so you can test the skills without you or the enemy dying .
Demo Link : https://www.dropbox.com/s/y0dmccyj518itgk/STORMVILLE%20-%20Demo%201.exe
Arandomgamemaker
1629
Oh, this is for DENIED game submissions? I had no clue :/.
@thatbennyguy that is excellent! Much more appealing.
@thatbennyguy that is excellent! Much more appealing.
author=Arandomgamemaker
Oh, this is for DENIED game submissions? I had no clue :/.
Look a few posts up...
author=Deckiller
Or just descriptions in general. Doesn't have to be just for denied submissions.
@Inichi: The first thing that jumps out at me is the "a small kingdom closest to the center of the earth" part. Now, maybe I'm crazy, but "center of the earth" suggests a place deep underground. However, you're most probably referring to how a map of the world is usually drawn. I'm not exactly sure what the best way to clear this up be, though.
Upon further reading, I'm noticing some grammar/capitalization errors. I did a simple re-do of your plot synopsis with such errors fixed, though a few personal touches managed to leek through:
A war is brewing. The countries are striving to get more power and control, greatly affecting small villages and kingdoms. Especially Stormville. Fearful of what could happen, the king of Stormville asked Jordan to be his heir if anything were to happen to him. The attack came soon after. It was by Thunder Country, lead by the king's own son, Ryle. Jordan attempted to escape with his brother, Vince, but the way was blocked off by Captain Cia, and his men. Vince managed to escape the encounter, but Jordan died in the attempt. The responsibility that was supposed to be Jordan's was laid on Vince.
