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Content creation (technical)
author=MarrendHmm about the last sentence - there are several reasons why Sayumi should not do this. If she did Mayumi's reaction would probably be along the line of
My opinion on this might be to lampshade/reference this, but still come out saying what you mean. Such as...
ID = 78
Hey, <player>, do you know who's responsible for the lockers?
ID = 0
The locker rooms? No clue!
ID = 78
What? No, not the locker rooms! The lockers in the hall!
# FRIENDLY, maybe? Whatever would make the next line to feel like she's coming off as kidding/teasing.
You know, the ones you use to give, or receive, anonymous love-notes in?
...this, or something like it.
ID = 79
# Or better yet something *real* angry.
OTHER3
:yelling: <b><i>SIS!</i></b>
<b>That's <i>not</i> funny. Some perv has broken into my locker and browsed through my cloths and my private stuff and instead of helping me you're joking about love-letters in front of a boy we only just met. A boy we know nothing about. He might be nice and cute. Or <i>he</i> might be the one who broke in my locker.</b>
ID = 0
(She kept shouting at her sister for about another minute or so.)
ID = 78
Are you done yet?
ID = 79
OTHER4
yes.
ID = 78
I'm sorry, sis.
ID = 79
NEUTRAL
I'm ... too. Sorry<player> ... :cough:
I am sorry <player>, that I lost my temper in front of you. I will try to not let this happen again.
# NOTE: she does not say it WON'T happen again. She'd know that this would be a lie.
But this ...
OTHER4
... embarrassing ...
Would be interesting to watch for both Kazuhiko and the playing person, but I'm not sure if it would work well with the rest of that scene. And the rest of her storyline, for that matter.
On second thought ... I kinda like it anyway. Maybe I'll do something like this, but waaaay less dramatic.
author=dewelarHope Mayumi's music too ;)author=Garageauthor=Johnny Cash;) quintuple nagatives ftw.
I ain't never got nothin' from nobody, no time
Ah, I see you are a person with good taste! Excellent!
author=dewelarauthor=MarrendI don't know nuffin' 'bout other schools in Japan, but "our" school clearly has both locker rooms (referenced in several stories) and individual lockers in the hall (somethimes visiable during the roll-the-dice part).
Come to think of it, from what I've seen most Japanese schools don't have gym lockers, just changing areas with cubbies where you stash your regular clothes. Then again, I haven't done any research in this particular area and am only going by what I've seen in anime/manga, which I wouldn't exactly consider a trustworthy source :| .author=dewelarMy favorite speelink erorr. I'm happy it's not been "two often".
Continuing my proofreading, we jump down to STORY 7613:
(Seems like I guessed their names wrongly once to often!)
- should be "once too often"
Content creation (technical)
author=dewelar
"Ain't" is not typically considered to be grammatically correct, and when it's used in writing it's generally meant to convey that the person using it is uneducated, extraordinarily informal, or from an area where it's in common use, such as the Deep South.
Highschool kids / juveniles have a tendency to break rules. Especially about what to say and how to say it. Some sentences by Kazuhiko sounded rather sloppy to me ... but - on the other hand - I'm definetely aware that I can't pull off English youth language convincingly enough to make it work.
STORY 7602 and 7603 ahead...
7602:
Ah. <player> - do you know who is responsible for the personal lockers in this school?
- "personal" probably isn't necessary here and through the rest of the scene, as it would be understood
Hmm
Shihoko used the word "locker" and meant the "locker room" ... So I thought Sayumi should indicate that she's talking about a "lockable closet" and not a "room" - anyway ... I'll try using just locker. It does seem more natural.
author=Johnny Cash
I ain't never got nothin' from nobody, no time
;) quintuple nagatives ftw.
Content creation (technical)
Talking about contractions. Is there a rule for when "I am not" will be come "I'm not" and when it should be "I ain't" ... ?
Similar: "You are not" -> "You're not" ./. "You aren't" ... ?
Oops - according to wikipedia there are contractions like "could not have" -> "couldn’t’ve" ... really?
Similar: "You are not" -> "You're not" ./. "You aren't" ... ?
Oops - according to wikipedia there are contractions like "could not have" -> "couldn’t’ve" ... really?
Content creation (technical)
author=dewelarI changed most of the not contracted phrases to contractions, some of the others get italics. Others like that example above will stay as they are.author=GarageUnderstandable. Still, in such cases you should probably consider adding bold and/or italic formatting to the text to properly convey that emphasis.
Sigh - I tend to use "I do not" instead of "I don't" as emphasis. I do tend to overuse this. And I don't always remember that contractions are the norm.
Example: "No. They are two. We are two." - I would deliberatly leave the "are"s uncontracted here because the speaking person is trying to make a point.
author=dewelar
EDIT: While I'm here, STORY 7601...
Hi, my name is <player> I'm from the 2nd year.
- This probably should be either "I'm in the second year" or "I'm a second-year".
We're 2nd year, too.
- This one definitely should be "We're second-years, too."
On a side note, from a style standpoint there aren't supposed to be spaces before and after an ellipsis in written English. However, since it does make it easier for me to read the text in-game, I'm not going to complain about it :D .
... I'll change that 2nd year stuff.
About the elipsis(es) ... nope. I just like it better my way. ;)
Content creation (technical)
author=dewelarAny feedback is better then none ;)
Unfortunately, last week wound up being much busier than I expected, so I haven't started on a new playthrough yet. I hope to do so this week. However, since I'm here and posting, I'll start at the top of the story file:
Sigh - I tend to use "I do not" instead of "I don't" as emphasis. I do tend to overuse this. And I don't always remember that contractions are the norm.
Example: "No. They are two. We are two." - I would deliberatly leave the "are"s uncontracted here because the speaking person is trying to make a point.
Content creation (technical)
@dewelar: I've just thrown out that unfortunate route you didn't seem to like anymore then I do myself, you know "twelve years later" ...
It will not be part of a the next release of WingGirl.
Any other bugs not-nice-things or spelling errors you have for me would be very much apprechiated.
@Marrend: speaking of release ...
Mayumi, Sayumi and Himeko are still listed as "unpublished" in that nice list at the top of this page ;)
It will not be part of a the next release of WingGirl.
Any other bugs not-nice-things or spelling errors you have for me would be very much apprechiated.
@Marrend: speaking of release ...
Mayumi, Sayumi and Himeko are still listed as "unpublished" in that nice list at the top of this page ;)
Content creation (artistic)
author=dewelarauthor=GarageThou dost have my permission to do so. *grin*author=dewelarYou know what? If you don't mind I'd like to use your version instead of mine.
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, do hereby vow that I shall henceforth treat thy friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care that I would wish thee to show mine own sister."
...but even more embellished and prosaic. Not necessary, but it might be aesthetically pleasing :).
有難う 御座います
I hope that is the fitting level of formallity ;)
Content creation (artistic)
author=dewelarNo consonant but "n" can end a sylable? Never ever? ... Is that the reason why some words borrowed from English somehow seem to acquire an -u as ending?author=MarrendIn Japanese, the letter "y" is always a consonant, and so cannot end a syllable ("n" is a special case, because translation conventions render "ん" as "n"). If you're shooting for "mew", the closest you could come would be "Miu".author=dewelar, snippedHrm. Yeah, that might make sense. I remember being somewhat surprised by the pronunciation of "Aya" in The Third Birthday as well.
...it would be more like "Mah-yew".
Content creation (artistic)
author=dewelar
"I, Fujikawa Mayumi, do hereby vow that I shall henceforth treat thy friend, Harada Himeko, with the same respect and care that I would wish thee to show mine own sister."
...but even more embellished and prosaic. Not necessary, but it might be aesthetically pleasing :).
You know what? If you don't mind I'd like to use your version instead of mine.
Content creation (artistic)
author=dewelarauthor=GarageThere is, but it doesn't really translate well to English. You should probably just have Kazuhiko indicate in his internal monologue that he can tell she's being particularly formal and be suitably affected by her sincerity.
Is there a way to indicate that she is using a more formal languange here then she would normally use? Like, she wants to make absolutely clear that she feels ... honor-bound to that vow and respects his friendship with Himeko?
Hm. His current reaction is:
author=Kazuhiko
(That does sound sincere - if a bit melodramatic.)
...
OK. Talk to her. Tell her I said she can trust you.
That should do then, for the time being.
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