LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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The reason why I decided to omit the main character in my story description is
because you, as the player know more about the world than the main character, Rob, does. The game is much more plot-driven than character-driven. That and Rob knows
nothing about the World Wars or even being part of the Sacred Electric Clan to begin
with, which is hinted by the fact that he is only 17. As the player plays through
the game they will find out more about the Sacred Electric Clan and the Abyssal
Forces as well as the events that actually took place during the World Wars.
My main dilemma is that I am having a hard time being descriptive without giving
to much information to the viewer.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
Ah, I see what you're doing! In that case, I would move the "Characters" sub-section into it's own tab, though, that would be after you get a gamepage. I also would move the Background section (and the part of your Story section where you list your inspirations) at the very bottom of the text, and rename the section "Personal Background".

*Edit: I'm very much aware of the difference between player knowledge, character knowledge, and developer knowledge. On more than one occasion, having developer knowledge gets in the way of game development, possibly overlooking actual issues with the game because you're going through the motions that players are meant to go through, but could actually be skipped.

Case in point!
Thanks again for your help and suggestions!
By the way, I like the way you re-worded my Story section so
I will take that into consideration.
Well, I'll make a few changes then, resubmit my game and hope for the best!
I got Denied for the Description. So what I did wrong and what I need to add.
http://rpgmaker.net/games/7010/
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11638
@Sonyblaze We can't see the game page because it was denied. You're going to have to post your description here for critique.
author=CashmereCat
@Sonyblaze We can't see the game page because it was denied. You're going to have to post your description here for critique.


Sorry about that here
You wake up realizing you are trap within a mysterious house with no doors or exits. It is beyond human understanding and it is crawling with monsters, demons, murders and whatever that larks in the shadows. Also your not the only one who is trap within the walls of this house as well. Prepare to search through the house's walls with room that seem to go on for miles, hidden treasure, meet interesting people, fight dangerous monsters and discover all of the house secrets. Can you find your way out?

Find a way out is a Noncommercial RPG Game using the RPG Maker VX Ace Engine. It is a turn based rpg as well as a somewhat of Nonliner gameplay. So you can fight any boss at any order without a problem.

List of scripts and sprites I will be using for this game.
(list will be updated as I get farther in the game production.)

Victer Engine
Basic Module
Animated Battle
Actors Battlers
Here the link...

Holder Animated Battlers
here the link...

I will post more in the future exactly what I will place in the game.
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11638
author=Sonyblaze
You wake up realizing you are trapped within a mysterious house with neither doors nor exits. It is beyond human understanding and it is crawling with monsters, demons, murders and whatever that lurks in the shadows. But you are not the only one who is trapped within the walls of this house. Prepare to search through all the walls of the house with rooms that seem to go on for miles, find hidden treasure, meet interesting people, fight dangerous monsters and discover all of the house's secrets. Can you find your way out?

Find a Way Out is a non-commercial RPG using the RPG Maker VX Ace Engine. It is a turn-based RPG with somewhat non-linear gameplay, so you can fight any boss in any order without problems.

List of scripts and sprites I will be using for this game (list will be updated as I get further into game production):
  • Victor Engine
  • Basic Module
  • Animated Battle
  • Actor's Battlers
  • Holder's Animated Battlers

I will post more in the future exactly what I will place in the game.

Hopefully that's fine although you might need to elaborate more. i.e. use the full names of scripts (I'm pretty sure "Basic Module" isn't the full name of the script. Who authored it?) and graphics packs (what's "Animated Battle"?). All you really need to do is just credit the creators of the graphics/audio/scripts that you have used, and go further into accreditations and sources in a credits file in your project folder.

You could also elaborate more on characters, plot details, and include images that relate to your game, in order to really spruce up your profile and make it extra snazzy. Feel free to ask any more questions regarding this.
use the full names of scripts(I'm pretty sure "Basic Module" isn't the full name of the script. Who authored it?) and graphics packs (what's "Animated Battle"?)


I guess I put it wrong the Basic module, Animated batter and the Actor Battler and part of the Victor Engine.

Will this work

Scripts use in game
Victer Engine
Basic Scripts - Basic Module
Battle Script - Actors Battlers
Battle Script - Animated Battle

Anyway thank you very much! Before I'll resubmit it I will post a redone description here. and thank you again
Well here we go
You wake up realizing you are trap within a mysterious house with no doors or exits as well as not knowing why you're in the house in the first place. It is beyond human understanding as well as crawling with monsters, demons, murders and whatever that larks in the shadows that wants to kill you. Be not afraid, you are not the only one who is trap within the walls of this house. Prepare to search through this gigantic house's rooms that seem to go on for miles, hidden treasure coves, traps & puzzles, meeting interesting characters and making friends in your journey. So discover all of the house secrets, you have Six floor to explore through! So can you find your way out?

Find a way out is a Noncommercial RPG Game using the RPG Maker VX Ace Engine. It is a turn based rpg with animated battles, semi non-linear gameplay, puzzles, random & visible encounters and multiple ending depending on the chooses that you make.

Lists of scripts and sprites I will be using for this game as well as credits to all those who had created the materials in which I DO NOT OWN.

Scripts use in game.
Victer Engine by Victor Sant
Basic Scripts - Basic Module
Battle Script - Actors Battlers
Battle Script - Animated Battle
Here the link...

Sprites and Art use in game.
Holder Animated Battlers by Dark-Holder
First Generation
here the link...

(list will be updated as I get farther in the game production.)


Thanking for visiting and if you want more update you can visit me here...

I will place an image in the Description soon once I bet better screen shots.
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11638
I personally think that your headings are way too big compared to your text.

Also, you ignored the changes that I made to your original description that corrected things such as spelling and grammatical errors. It's probably why your gamepage didn't pass the screening test.
Okay I didn't even noticed it sorry. Well I glad i didn't resubmitted yet well i still got a long way to go.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
Personally speaking, I would put the script-credits into the game's credit roll (if any), or a packed-in manual that nobody reads. Now, if you want to talk about what gameplay mechanics those scripts would enable, rather than telling us what scripts you use, that could be a draw!
author=Emelian65
Gamestory:

Bleach, a Manga and Anime that tell us the story of Kusosaki Ichigo, a 15 year teen with the ability to see ghosts, and how thanks to a Shinigami (Death God), he becomes one...

Everyone that has read and seen it, knows how the story develops. However I personally think that some of the events should have happen differently, and not only that but some characthers should have had more prominent rols, or have a different outcome.

This game will work on this points, so that people doesn't expect some thing that aren't going to appear or happen.

1st: The Story will develop an understandable timeline, wich I belive no even Tite knwos when, where and why of some of the events in the manga happen.

2nd: Most of the important events of the Manga/Anime happen in the last 100 years, this is extremenly quick for a Shinigami(they live hundreds if not thousands of years), because of that the game will start 500 years before the Bleach story. mostly to give characters time to grow

3rd: The Bleach: The 3rd Phantom sotryline will take place in those years of differences, this mostly for two things, 1 so that the Suzunami Family actually feel the loss of the time, and 2 so that Aizen finally gets something unknown to him.

4th; The power grow of the characters, this need to be worked on, sorry Tite but the Dragon Ball feeling of Ichigo is Goku, and everyone else is... well you get the Idea...

5th. Has to do with the one Up... the divisions.... they are military divisions, we have a Kido Corporals, the Onmitsudoi and the normal Shinigam i, the only place where I see them was in the filler of the Anime and mostly as Meatshield, I mean seriously, specially the Onmitsudo and the Kido Corps. more useless they coulnd't be, and they were spposed to be the best in their area. Soi-fong herself sais that if she couldn't hide herself form the Quincies then she coulnd't even be called an Onmitsudo member... o well

Gameplay:

I wont use a Tactics style like B3P, I'll use a Front View Battle System of Yanfly along with the TBS of Yanfly to, Most of the enemies will come from the anime or the fanart(wich I'll ask permission to us eof course)

The game will be mostly a JRPG, that means a long gameplay with what I hope is a good story, and Character development.

The game will have side-quest at the Shadowhearts Style, this means, all of the Side-quest have the propuse of developing more Character story, and making them strong enough to face the most difficult parts of the game, along with giving some fun time, or completing plots that were left incmplete.

Features.

Turn based Front View Battle System, using of course Yanfly-sama scripts.

Passive abilities, given by the character's unique powers and Zanpakuto.

Field states, some character will be able to manipulate the field to your adventage, however some enemies will be able to do the same.

Hidden enemies, some battles have hidden enemies, this enemies when killed will give more exp ans SP(nesesary to Upgrade abilities)

Upgrade the abilities, all the Characters have unique abilities that can be upgrade to be developed in power, most generic abilities can also be upgraded to show hidden power.

Change the Sotoryline, in some points of the story desicions can be made so you can change completely what happens. Altering the future even more.

Challenging game, the game will be hard, however completing side-quest and ging througth the game thinking in the long road will help you a lot.

The game is divide in Phases
1st The time before the Bleach Storyline.
2nd The Bleach Storyline from the substitud shinigami, to the Winter War
3rd The Rest of the Story

Each Phase will make you start with different Characters in differents moments, mostly so the level curve doesn't get at the 99 or more after the Soul society arc.

And that's mostly all, hope you'll like it and please be patient. i'm still learning but I'm learning in a good way.


It was denied however this one is already edited, I need help workin in what goes, what is missing and of course what is more than nesesary... any help will be apreciated thank you
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
I'm perceiving some spelling errors with that description. Changing nothing else, I believe it would look more like...

Bleach is a manga and anime that tells the story of Kusosaki Ichigo, a 15 year teen with the ability to see ghosts. However, thanks to a Shinigami (Death God), he becomes a ghost himself. While the anime/manga is fairly well-known, this fan-game presents a "what if" scenario.

Gameplay:
The game uses a turn-based front-view battle system. Graphic elements, such as enemies, would probably be ripped from the anime/manga itself, or from fanart, with appropriate permission.

The game will have side-quests in the vein of the Shadow Hearts series. This means they would serve, first and foremost, as character development and additional story-building


Features:

  • Turn-based front-view Battle System, using Yanfly's scripts
  • Passive abilities, given by the character's unique powers and Zanpakuto.
  • Some characters (and enemies!) will be able to manipulate the battlefield to an advantage
  • Some battles will contain "hidden enemies", which, when killed will give more exp, and SP (necessary to upgrade abilities)
  • The game might be on the difficult side, but the side-quests should help players out

Chapter Breakdown:
The game is divided in Phases.
Phase 1: The time before the Bleach storyline.
Phase 2: The Bleach storyline from the substitute shinigami, to the Winter War
Phase 3: The game's finale. Sorry, it's a bit spoilerific to say much more!

Each phase will have different characters in different moments. While this is a something of a game-balance issue, there are obvious story reasons as well.

I hope I didn't butcher this too much. I dunno. With the original saying...

Each phase will make you start with different characters in differents moments. Mostly so the level curve doesn't get at the 99 or more after the Soul society arc.

...is kinda rubbing me the wrong way, and I am sorta presuming that there are, in fact, actual, legitimate story reasons why you'd be "jumping" between characters, and you're not just doing it for the sake of game-balance.
author=Marrend
I'm perceiving some spelling errors with that description. Changing nothing else, I believe it would look more like...

Bleach is a manga and anime that tells the story of Kusosaki Ichigo, a 15 year teen with the ability to see ghosts. However, thanks to a Shinigami (Death God), he becomes a ghost himself. While the anime/manga is fairly well-known, this fan-game presents a "what if" scenario.

Gameplay:
The game uses a turn-based front-view battle system. Graphic elements, such as enemies, would probably be ripped from the anime/manga itself, or from fanart, with appropriate permission.

The game will have side-quests in the vein of the Shadow Hearts series. This means they would serve, first and foremost, as character development and additional story-building


Features:

  • Turn-based front-view Battle System, using Yanfly's scripts

  • Passive abilities, given by the character's unique powers and Zanpakuto.

  • Some characters (and enemies!) will be able to manipulate the battlefield to an advantage

  • Some battles will contain "hidden enemies", which, when killed will give more exp, and SP (necessary to upgrade abilities)

  • The game might be on the difficult side, but the side-quests should help players out


Chapter Breakdown:
The game is divided in Phases.
Phase 1: The time before the Bleach storyline.
Phase 2: The Bleach storyline from the substitute shinigami, to the Winter War
Phase 3: The game's finale. Sorry, it's a bit spoilerific to say much more!

Each phase will have different characters in different moments. While this is a something of a game-balance issue, there are obvious story reasons as well.


I hope I didn't butcher this too much. I dunno. With the original saying...

Each phase will make you start with different characters in differents moments. Mostly so the level curve doesn't get at the 99 or more after the Soul society arc.


...is kinda rubbing me the wrong way, and I am sorta presuming that there are, in fact, actual, legitimate story reasons why you'd be "jumping" between characters, and you're not just doing it for the sake of game-balance.


Than kyou and yes it has a story reason to do that, I mean, Ichigo cannot very well be I don't know over level 40 when he first met Rukia can he?. He just starts, it also doesn't make any sense for him to be acquintance of other Shinigami, qhen he didn't even knew abut them

It' more like You develop Older Characters, and the the story reach an important point where this character's become Unaveilable,(because the story makes so), so you then start with, more fresh Characters that you can develop...Something ike that.

It's also story wise, in the game B3P, a lot of members of the 5th Squad were killed by mere hollows... know the reason they were killed is a little more belivable, this also explains the gap power beetween captains and lower members, intead of just mere 15 levels, of absolute nothing... I hope that's undestandable.
HistoryThe game history it's about a 8 years-old boy called Tim. In the Christmas night he dreams with Santa Claus asking for help! Although he don't believe in Santa, he tries to discover more about that dream. Soon he'll start a great adventure with his friends to save Santa !


Characters

Tim(changeable name) - A young boy who
dreams to be a great fisher. He loves to use the cap
his father gave. Also, he loves light clothes.
Max- Tim's best friend. He loves to play softball
and is always with his lucky bat. He has a hasty temper.
Jeff- A snowman that gained life! He would
like to live a great adventure while is the winter
season. He tries to stay cool in any situation.
Mecha- A rebellious robot, which got tired from
his original duty and got revolted against his creator.
He's a good guy, although he likes to break rules.



Gameplay

-Explore and collect
-ABS
-Varied puzzles


More

-There's a lot of clich├ęs because the game was initially for a contest about it.
-Soon I'll choose new screeshots!
-Progress: 80%

What should I add? <:3
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
I dunno about additions, but, here is my humble suggestion on some of what you do have...

History
The game is about an 8 year-old boy called Tim. On Christmas night, he dreams about Santa Claus asking for help! Although he don't believe in Santa, he tries to discover more about that dream. Soon he'll start a great adventure with his friends to save Santa!


Characters
Tim(changeable name)-A young boy who dreams to be a great fisher. He loves the cap his father gave him, and light clothes.
Max-Tim's best friend. He loves to play softball, and is never far from his lucky bat. Has a bit of a temper.
Jeff-A living snowman that tries to stay calm in any situation. So long that it's winter, he enjoys a great adventure.
Mecha-A robot that rebelled against it's creator. While it tends to break a few rules it, nonetheless, means well.

By-the-by, was this supposed to be made for Game Chill 2013, or, more recently, Revive the Dead?
@Marrend: Thanks for the help :>
The game was made for a constest from another site.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
author=Okami_Amaterasu
The game was made for a constest from another site.


I see. Well, it would be nice if you could identify the event it was constructed for/under. If the event has a page, a link to the page would probably be appreciated.