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Hey guys, my game was denied and i was told to come here for a sort of aid with my grammar and punctuation?.

Could anyone help please?
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"Prepare yourself to become a Time Lord".

Deep in the vast regions of space lies a planet concealed within the inner ring of a solar system.
Across the planet itself, there is a tent emerged within the sands of eternity.
The Outpost Planet.
Created by none other than Farien. The spellblade of the west galaxy. After the Time Lords were extinguished from existence, the people of the universe had to defend themselves in their own way.
Now with the arrival of the Master, this thought became a reality.
The Master, a powerful mystical Time Lord, arose from the grave along with his army of demons.
They promised nothing but fear and terror for the people.

However, deep within the time vortex itself.
A lone TARDIS encrusted with the impenetrable shields of the atron energy flies towards the outpost planet.
Bringing with it, nothing but fear and terror.
For the master...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I'd suggest fixing up the formatting so that each sentence isn't a paragraph onto itself. Though, I think I see a few sentences you can combine. Maybe something more like...

Prepare yourself to become a Time Lord!

Deep in the vast regions of space lies a planet concealed within the inner ring of a solar system. Across the planet, there is a tent emerged within the sands of eternity. This is the Outpost Planet, created by none other than Farien, the Spellblade of the West Galaxy.

After the Time Lords were extinguished from existence, the people of the universe had to defend themselves in their own way. Now with the arrival of the Master, this thought became a reality. The Master, a powerful mystical Time Lord, arose from the grave along with his army of demons. They promised nothing but fear and terror for the people.

However, deep within the time vortex, a lone TARDIS, encrusted with the impenetrable shields of atron energy, flies towards the Outpost Planet. Within it contained nothing but fear and terror... for The Master!


Though, you may want a personal aside, or something, that out and says that this is a Doctor Who fan-game. Though, I'm largely assuming this because of the reference to the TARDIS, and The Master.
Okay, sorry for the late reply. Really appreciate your help Marrend. I went back and made some changes that seem like a nice improvement to the description. And yes, Hitomi is the main character, Atsuko is the second member of the party.


My game's description:

For as long as the high schools of Chetsyoha, Japan, remembers, martial art rivalry has been going on between five great schools for years. These five schools are: Jukodo of the Brown, Hujino of the Green, Pirusuna of the Purple, Gekjou of the Gray, and Ushiyuga of the Blue, each vying over control of Chetsyoha City.

Hujino of the green, was lead by Ryota Tsukino, a second-year student who was virtually undefeated and led the school to many victories. With his untimely passing away due to illness surfaced, the morale of Hujino collapsed, and lost much of their territories, resulting in the lost for them during that school year.

With the new school year arriving comes an influx of new students, potential recruits for each of the schools. One particular student, a carefree girl with a unique talent for martial arts by the name of Hitomi Koizuki, has gotten the attention of the new captain of Hujino's Martial Arts Club, Atsuko Tsukino.

With the other four schools beginning their assault on each other, Atsuko knew the inevitable assault would cause chaos among the innocent Hujino students. Both, Hitomi and Atsuko set out to find new members while protecting what is left of Hujino's former glory.
author=Marrend
Thanks a bunch!, i'll surely look at this and use it to further develop my general structures in future. Thanks :)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
The only thing I'm noticing right off the bat is that you probably want to say "a martial arts rivalry". Also, since this rivalry has been going on as long anyone can recall, I feel that the "for years" part in that sentence isn't necessary.

*Edit, @hudyman: You're welcome, and good luck with your game!
There's some unnecessary punctuation, too. Commas, mainly. Read stuff out aloud and take a short break at each comma. If the sentence feels stilted then you have a comma issue. Take the second paragraph: "Hujino of the green, was led..." breaks up the sentence for no reason. The comma there isn't necessary.

Also, led, not lead. It's past-tense so you need to use the past version of the word. (Made past tense by the use of was, which dates a sentence.)

So a quick rewrite:
For as long as the high schools people/populace of Chetsyoha, Japan, remembers, martial art rivalry has been going on between five great schools for years. These five schools are: Jukodo of the Brown, Hujino of the Green, Pirusuna of the Purple, Gekjou of the Gray, and Ushiyuga of the Blue are the five schools vying over control of Chetsyoha City.

Hujino of the green, was lead by Ryota Tsukino, a second-year student who was virtually undefeated and led the school to many victories. With his untimely passing away death due to illness surfaced, the morale of Hujino collapsed and they lost much most/a lot of their territories, resulting in the lost a huge/large loss for them during that school year.

With the every new school year arriving comes an influx of new students, potential recruits for each of the schools. One particular student, Hitomi Koizuki (a carefree girl with a unique talent for martial arts by the name of Hitomi Koizuki), has gotten gained the attention of the new captain of Hujino's Martial Arts Club, Atsuko Tsukino.

Knowing that the other four schools' assaults on each other will cause chaos to the innocent Hujino students, Atsuko - joined by Hitomi - set out to find new members, whilst also trying to protect what is left of their schools' former glory.

With the other four schools beginning their assault on each other, Atsuko knew the inevitable assault would cause chaos among the innocent Hujino students. Both, Hitomi and Atsuko set out to find new members while protecting what is left of Hujino's former glory.


A fair few changes but all for the sake of flowing better.
Rewrote the bottom paragraph since it was quite awkward the way it was worded.
People/populace instead of high schools breaks repetition that you had going.
Keep the information together, so list the schools and then add the other information instead of splitting it up.

Led instead of lead due to past tense.
Death is death. No need to cushion the blow, he died.
Surfaced is... well, I'm not sure why you added it. It's completely unnecessary.
They - subject was missing.
Much doesn't make sense. Most/a lot works better.
A huge/large loss - lost doesn't even fit here.

Every... reads better.
Hitomi sentence - information kept together. the information about her is an aside and you already had a lot of commas so brackets work too.
Gained is the word you want.


Hope that helps!
I was told I should get my paragraph proofread. I went over it but not sure what I missed. Thanks in advanced!
http://rpgmaker.net/games/7541/
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I'm afraid I can't access your game-page probably on account of said game-page being denied. Copy the text here, and we'll see what we can do for you, though!
Thanks.

This Game starts you in one on many areas where you are to fight Zombies find supplies and survive! You have more than just Z's to worry about unfortunately. Food, Water, Heath and Rest are all things that could keep you from surviving as well. Not only this but looting over 80+ areas to find supplies to keep you alive. This is much easier than it sounds as different location have different types of creatures. Along the way you may find other characters that can join you party and help you with your journey. This game is situational. Looting areas or sleeping outside will give you a Survival chance which is a percentage you survive that event. This is extremely helpful especially if you don't want to have a member of you party die. With over 500+ items, armor and weapons to craft it may be a long night.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Hrm. I would suggest at least...

This is a game about survival. Finding food and clean water while keeping yourself well-rested and in good health will all be challenges you will face. However, there are also zombies that you may have to fight against! Thankfully, you are not alone in your plight. There are others in the same situation. Find them, and work together!

...this.

Which could segue into the bit about the "survival chance" mechanic. While I might have a few issues with the mechanic (particularly the "instant death" part), I think outlining a few actions can lead to getting a better chance of success, or failure, would be appropriate. After that, you can end with...

With over 80 maps to explore and over 500 items to craft, it'll be a long night!

...if you really want to.
T
author=Marrend
Hrm. I would suggest at least...

This is a game about survival. Finding food and clean water while keeping yourself well-rested and in good health will all be challenges you will face. However, there are also zombies that you may have to fight against! Thankfully, you are not alone in your plight. There are others in the same situation. Find them, and work together!


...this.

Which could segue into the bit about the "survival chance" mechanic. While I might have a few issues with the mechanic (particularly the "instant death" part), I think outlining a few actions can lead to getting a better chance of success, or failure, would be appropriate. After that, you can end with...

With over 80 maps to explore and over 500 items to craft, it'll be a long night!


...if you really want to.


Thank you
A Young man by the name of Hugues has been summed
by the queen after a dark force has taken her dater
the princess. soul out of here body to turn them into
a soul Crystal.to give life to powerful beasts. however
her soul is not the only one that needs to be saved.
now it is up to Hugues and his friends Fifna and Mahalah
to save the lost souls taken by the dark beast. with the
power of love and friendship you will save souls from the
dark beast. this is a Zelda type game with magic and archery
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
I'm a little baffled by what you mean to say with ...

...after a dark force has taken her dater the princess.


...this. Otherwise, my suggestion would be...

A dark force seals the souls of people into crystals that give birth to powerful beasts. It wasn't until the princess' soul was so encased that the queen begin to take notice. She calls upon a warrior named Hugues to save her daughter, and the other souls that have been encased. Hugues agrees. Not for the queen, or the princess, but because of his friends, Fifna and Mahalah, who were also captured by the spirit.

With gameplay inspired by the Legend of Zelda series, Hugues will need all of his wits, skills, and determination to free the souls of those captured by the unknown dark power.


...or something like that.
I am a noob when it comes to create description for my game. It has been rejected so I have edited the synopsis of my game description. It is actually pretty long so I edited and make it simple yet fits the requirements of minimum 500 characters. Is this fine or do I need to do more?

Kai Yamazuka went to the video rental store to borrow some movies but he was unable to find anything new on the shelves. Frustrated, he was about to leave the store when a disc suddenly fall from the shelf. Kai picked up the disc with words ''Akumu'' written on it. Considering himself to be lucky, Kai took the disc home. Unbeknownst to him, the disc is about to give him more than what he asked for.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
From the text (and your avatar), I'm assuming this is for some kind of horror game. So, we can probably ignore the whole shoplifting thing going on. Though, maybe, saying a few things about what strange things happen to Kai after he gets home might be appropriate.

That is, I'm assuming that the disc is somehow cursed (or whatever), and whoever has close contact with it is summarily cursed. I could be wrong, though.
Okay, made some changes that should make the description better, and yeah; have no idea why I used "surfaced". I meant that as "found out" or "discovered". Now with that, does this line sound any better?

"When news of his untimely death due to illness was discovered, the morale of Hujino collapsed"

And will this line work better?

"When news of his untimely death due to illness was discovered by the other schools, the morale of Hujino collapsed"

Trying to tell the people who reads this that not only the morale caused them the year, but the other schools took advantage when Hujino's leader passed away.


My game's description
For as long as the people of Chetsyoha, Japan, remembers, a martial art rivalry has been going on between five great schools for years. Jukodo of the Brown, Hujino of the Green, Pirusuna of the Purple, Gekjou of the Gray, and Ushiyuga of the Blue, are the five schools vying over control of Chetsyoha City.

Hujino of the green; was led by Ryota Tsukino, a second-year student who was virtually undefeated and led the school to many victories. When news of his untimely death due to illness was discovered by the other schools, the morale of Hujino collapsed, and they lost most of their territories, resulting in a huge loss for them during that school year.

With every new school year arriving comes an influx of new students, potential recruits for each of the schools. One particular student, Hitomi Koizuki (a carefree girl with a unique talent for martial arts), has gained the attention of the new captain of Hujino's Martial Arts Club, Atsuko Tsukino.

Knowing that the other four schools' assaults on each other will cause chaos to the innocent Hujino students, Atsuko - joined by Hitomi - set out to find new members, whilst also trying to protect what is left of their schools' former glory.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Perhaps it could be more of a "stacking" effect. Like...

"That he died due to illness was bad enough. Try as they might to hide this, when news of his death was discovered by the other schools, the morale of Hujino collapsed even further."

...that?
Helloo !

I'm french and i'd like to present my project to the community, buuut I've got some grammatical problems with English and I trully need your help to improve it. xD

Here is a link to my project : http://rpgmaker.net/games/7581/

I think I have most important promblems in the story (deliberately short):

The story is about ten years old kids, Kyomaru and Midori, in a world which is disturbed by the time for a few days. In this world, everybody have black hair exept a tiny part of the population, they are called "Kotonaru". Temporal places aren't safe, and only the Kotonarus are able to overcome that curse thanks to magic powers they only have in these places.

And main characters' description :

Kyomaru is really lazy, but he quickly give in to the whims of others. However, he is brave for sure, he wouldn't hesitate to protect a foe. In the adventure, he can't let Midori alone.

Midori is naive and authoritarian : if she wants something, she'll get it. Without knowing fear, she uses a katana to protect herself. She master a lot of weapons like spears, axes, and daggers.

Romada is a yound alchemist. She is studying Science since her childhood, that's the reason why her intelligence is as large as her bust size. She is crude and often compared to a demon, there are a lot of treason stories about her.

If you can see other problems somewhere else, please don't hesitate to notice it !
Thanks for your help. :)
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11505
Hey Wano,

The project link will not appear public to anyone else but you, since it has not been approved.

What do you mean when you say, "disturbed by the time"? So there's literal time monsters that haunt you, or what? What's the time? What do you mean "temporal places"? I think it's just really confusing what you're trying to say here.

As for the character profiles, here's my version:

Kyomaru is really lazy, and quick to give in to the whims of others. He's brave for sure; he wouldn't hesitate to protect himself against any foe. However, he just can't seem to leave Midori alone.


Midori is naive and authoritarian - if she wants something, she'll get it. Knowing no fear, she uses a katana to protect herself. She has mastered many weapons, such as spears, axes and daggers.


Romada is a young alchemist. She has been studying science since her childhood, which is the reason why her intelligence is as large as her bust size. She is crude and often compared to a demon, and there are a lot of treason stories about her.


I'm not sure if the whole "intelligence as large as her bust size" thing would be offensive to some people, because it could be seen as not treating your women character with respect. I mean it's nice to have a woman who's intelligent and happens to have large busts, but if the game refers to her busts so explicitly very often as a kind of selling point, it might come of as a little crude or unjustified. That combined with the fact you don't have the greatest grasp of English, so some of the things you say might sound less offensive in French than they do in English, in the way that you've translated it.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
The first thing that comes to my mind regarding the phrase "disturbed by time" is something akin to a time-loop where the same day repeats itself over and over. Obviously, this doesn't have to be the case, but, some clarification is in order. As for "temporal places", I assume that this could be some kind of reference to time-space rifts, but again, this doesn't have to be the case.

Though, I do have a humble suggestion for one of the character descriptions. It would go something along the lines of...

Romada is a young woman who has been studying science since her childhood. She has beauty to go with her brains, but, her personality is quite crude. Often compared to a demon, many stories of treasonous behavior surround her person.

...that.

*Edit: With your story, I think it would be better to say "two ten-year-old kids", and "everybody has black hair, with very few exceptions", then go on to say, "These exceptions, called 'Kotonaru'." So, it might look a bit more like...

The story is about two ten-year-old kids, Kyomaru and Midori. In this world, there are space/time disturbances, and everybody has black hair, with few exceptions. These exceptions are called "Kotonaru". The disturbances aren't safe for normal people, but, for Kotonarus, they are able to access certain powers that only exist when they are in close proximity to these disturbances.

...this, or something like it.