LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

Posts

nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Given they are waiting for their parents to find them I'm assuming they are children.

So, I'd probably do something like this

Three children lost in the forest find an old abandoned building, with the rain beginning to fall and no idea where they are they have no choice but to seek shelter until their parents can find them. Tired from their previous wandering they quickly succumb to sleep despite the creepy place in which they find themselves.

When Ann wakes later she does so alone, without any sign of her two friends, Karen and Baron, and so she begins to search the halls and rooms of the building to find them. In the process she will come face to face with something she has only dreamt of and discover secrets long hidden of both this place and her own past.


Given the line about an angel painting and that Ann is an aspiring artist I'm assuming that is part of the plot, but it's a little disjointed so you might want to remove it as the opening line.
author=Marrend
I'm kinda thinking a link to the game on "Gamebboardth" (Gameboard.th?), or wherever, might be nice, but, that's just me talking.

Anyway, concentrating on the story-section for a bit, my suggestion would be something like...

Three friends get lost in a forest. As they fumble around to get a sense of direction, they find an abandoned building. With the rain falling hard, the otherwise ominous building beckons to them as a form of shelter until the weather clears. Fatigued, they dose off one-by-one.

When one of them, Ann, wakes up, she finds herself alone. She wanders the halls, trying to find her friends. However, in so doing, she will have to face her own nightmares, her past, as well as discovering the secrets of this place.

...that. Or something like it.

*Edit: Oh. I see that you planned to make a link... to contact the creator? Well, I suppose the option to leave a comment (in English) on the gamepage that you would pass on to the creator (in Thai) exists.

Thank you. That sounds so great. I'll take some parts of your suggestion in consideration if the game got denied again.

And yes, I made a link in the description and the function to leave a comment in English does exists.

author=nhubi
Given they are waiting for their parents to find them I'm assuming they are children.

So, I'd probably do something like this

Three children lost in the forest find an old abandoned building, with the rain beginning to fall and no idea where they are they have no choice but to seek shelter until their parents can find them. Tired from their previous wandering they quickly succumb to sleep despite the creepy place in which they find themselves.

When Ann wakes later she does so alone, without any sign of her two friends, Karen and Baron, and so she begins to search the halls and rooms of the building to find them. In the process she will come face to face with something she has only dreamt of and discover secrets long hidden of both this place and her own past.

Given the line about an angel painting and that Ann is an aspiring artist I'm assuming that is part of the plot, but it's a little disjointed so you might want to remove it as the opening line.

Thank you. This one also looks good. Some sentences sound weird for me but it might because I just don't get used to your way of writing and I was so sleepy now.

The opening line is a phrase the game creator wrote since the Thai version. So I want to translate it and leave it at that.

I'll take some parts of your suggestion in consideration if the game got denied again.
It's been some time since I last wrote a game attention-grabber, so I was wondering if there's anything I should change about it.
Should I expand it? Trim it down?
Even, a mercenary, heads to Sarsuela; a small, snowed-over town, to deal with a minor monster infestation. It didn't take long before she notices some things not entirely right about the monsters, the town, and it's residents. Curiosity has compelled her to stay, even after she received her pay. Time flies, winter has arrived, and a frigid darkness falls over Sarsuela. The cold eats away at the mercenary's resolve, but her investigation must continue. Is there really anything out there besides snow and those sorry excuses for monsters? Or is her search in vain? None but the howling winds can tell. For now
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Maybe something more like...

Even, a mercenary, heads to the small, snow-covered town of Sarsuela. Her job was to deal with a monster infestation. The job took no time at all for one skilled as Even. She promptly received her pay from the grateful residents, but, something just didn't seem right about the situation. She decides to stay, watch, and do her own investigation.

Time passes with no results, as the wintry cold eats away at the mercenary's resolve. Was there really nothing out there besides snow and those sorry excuses for monsters? Only the howling winds know for sure.

...that?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
If you are looking for attention grabbing you want to keep it short and sharp, so I'd stick with Marrend's suggestion with a couple of small changes


Even, a mercenary, heads to the small, snow-covered town of Sarsuela. Her job was to deal with to combat a minor monster infestation. The job took no time at all for one skilled as Even she, but She promptly received her pay from the even after being paid by the grateful residents something just didn't seem right about the situation sets off her well honed instincts. She decides to stay, watch, and do her own and investigation investigate.

Time passes with no results, and as the wintry cold eats away at the mercenary's her resolve she is determined to follow her gut. Was there really nothing out there besides snow and those sorry excuses for monsters? Only the howling winds know for sure.

For now.



You do want that two word hook at the end, it leads you into the reason for playing.
Thanks marrend and nhubi!

I'll go with your suggestions. Though some parts sound kinda awkward to me:

Even, a mercenary, heads to the small, snow-covered town of Sarsuela, to combat a minor monster infestation. The job took no time at all for one skilled as she, but even after being paid by the grateful residents, something sets off her well honed instincts. She decides to stay, watch, and investigate.

Time passes with no results, and as the wintry cold eats away at her resolve she is determined to follow her gut. Was there really nothing out there besides snow and those sorry excuses for monsters? Only the howling winds know for sure.

For now.




The first one sounds like a mouthful. Maybe:
The job took no time at all for one skilled as she. But something seemed off. (She decides to stay, even after receiving her pay, to watch and investigate.)
Oh, and the residents weren't exactly that grateful (and that's part of what roused Even's suspicion).


The second one clashes with itself, somewhat. The first half of the sentence is negative and the second half is positive.
Time passes with no results, and the wintry cold eats away at her resolve; But she is determined to follow her gut.



The last one just sounds weird for me because the word 'for' was used more than once with little distance from the other. I'll just stick with the 'can tell' for this one..

So...
Even, a mercenary, heads to the small, snow-covered town of Sarsuela, to combat a minor monster infestation. The job took no time at all for one skilled as she; but something seemed off. She decides to stay, even after receiving her pay, to watch and investigate.

Time passes with no results, and the wintry cold eats away at her resolve. But she is determined to follow her gut. Was there really nothing out there besides snow and those sorry excuses for monsters? Only the howling winds can tell.

For now.

What do you think?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Hey,

I was actually trying to add a bit of conflict in her thoughts, since she was sure there was something wrong which is what made her stay, but then she is doubting herself so I was looking for a way to convey that fluctuating thought process. It obviously worked, but equally wasn't what you were looking for.

You can replace grateful with sullen or something of that ilk, which could be written off as being residents of a cold and gloomy place or that they don't want her there doing whatever she is doing, though that does raise the question, who sent/asked her there?

Oh and you can lose 'for sure' and just leave Only the howling winds know if you want to remove that first 'for'.
It got me conflicted, that's for sure xp

I don't know. That line somehow implied that the 'wintry cold eating at her resolve' is a good thing because it encouraged her to investigate further, instead of being a hindrance/challenge. That's how I got it anyway.

As for the residents, they were the one who asked her to be there. They're not really hostile or anything. In fact, they received Even with open arms. But they were more than eager to make her leave as soon as the job was done, they avoid talking about certain topics, and the sort (in a way, it's rather obvious that they're hiding something).

And yeah, that's much better. Adds that 'epic' pause to the statement :)
hi, my post was denied because grammar issue (one of them)
can someone help me to fix my description ? my grammar is bad enough.....

Title:World Fragment
Alternative Title: -
Codename: WF
Developer: Adi Kurnia,Richter_h,DrDhoom's,momofumi
Genre: Dungeon Crawler/RPG
(Planned) Playtime: Approx. ~1-2hrs

Synopsis

It's a story ....
Story about a dying world

Even that world in the verge of death, that dying world has a strong will to survive

That World duplicating many part of another world, and that world take them as part of it's own.
Land, air, sea, life ... it receives all of it into itself.
Although they are not part of the world old self, that world did everything to keep on living.

But that's only a temporary measure.....
Like trying to implant another flesh to replace it's own rotten flesh..... Rejection always bound to happen
That dying world already know

This is a story about a world that's made up of many different parts of the other world

"Fragmentia".... That's the dying world's name

And a story about all life that's living inside it .....trying to change the world fate
Even they're just a duplicate from their real self
Even they're don't have any past memories
They will try to save that world, the world in which they live

Features

-Character from many another series adapted to the game .
-Full Active Time Battle.
-Side view ATB system.
-VS Army Battle, Wave battle DUO with your selected partner.
-The game will Released separately (Indonesian language Ver and English Language Ver)

The Game have demo build just recently

i will do my best to fix them myself
but at least i need some help if my resubmited submissions get rejected again
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
@jenova3new: I'm not sure if you know this, but, gamepages have word-wrap. Thus, the hard returns in the Synopsis section are unnecessary. On the other hand, end-of-sentence punctuation is non-existent. Let's see how it looks with those changes, plus a bit of embellishing on my part:

This is a story about Fragmentia, a dying world whose inhabitants have a will to survive. They duplicate parts of other worlds, and makes them part of Fragmentia. Such properties like land, air, sea, and life. However, this is but a temporary measure. Like trying to implant one flesh onto another, the risk of rejection is bound to happen.

This is a story about Fragmentia, a world that's made up of many different parts of other worlds. This is a story about all life that lives there, and those trying to change the fate of the world, even as their own memories fade with the world.


Or... something like this?
So I'm looking through other game pages, then I stopped to find one of the most CSS developed ones I could find to use as an example. I found RMNs Befuddle Quest 6.

My question is; does anyone have a tutorial or guide on how to make a spiffy CSS for your gamepages? Mine are all bland and yuck.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
I actually kind of like that opening lead in for Fragmentia, so I'd leave it, but pretty much everything else Marrend has suggested tightens it up.

So perhaps

This is a story.
A story about a dying world.

Fragmentia.

The world of Fragmentia has a fierce will to survive, so much so it duplicates portions of other worlds and make them part of itself. Oceans, land, even living creatures, but this is only a temporary measure. Like trying to implant one flesh in to another, rejection is bound to happen.

Against the odds, the duplicated people of Fragmentia battle to avert their fate, even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They may not be real, but their dying world is, and they will do anything to save it.

Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
author=Cecil_Beoulve
So I'm looking through other game pages, then I stopped to find one of the most CSS developed ones I could find to use as an example. I found RMNs Befuddle Quest 6.

My question is; does anyone have a tutorial or guide on how to make a spiffy CSS for your gamepages? Mine are all bland and yuck.


I swear there is an article about CSSing profiles, somewhere. I haven't read it, so, I'm not sure how useful it is for beginners, though.
ok it has been a while since I actually posted my help request but I have finally gotten round to improving the description of the Half-Soul powers

here

Half-Souls is a gritty RPG full of twists and turns, diverse characters, and a story you will not soon forget

the game is based in the brightly colored segment of the world known only as "the continent" a radiant land that would seem like a utopia, but underneath the "plastic" fields and "silicone" deserts, lies a grim, dark world full of prejudice and evil, those who can not stand up to evil either stay out of its way or be crushed by the foot of injustice. but... in this world exists beings known as Half-Souls, these beings are humans that have 2 halves to their soul, a human half and one a sentient mystical kind, the mystical half takes the form of an animal that links to the host's personality. If the Half-Soul can control this Half then it can use it to transform into the animal. however if the Half-Soul is unable to control it then the other Half can forcefully take over the body and could cause a drastic change in personality, appearance, morality or allegiance.
You are Samato, A young Half Soul boy seeking answers after his mother is murdered by an unknown force, Samato lives in the North-West Isles in the far west forests with the Half Soul Academy being just the next village along. The academy is run by the mysterious old man known only as "the master." With Samato at the academy is Iruka Seomi A 16 year old girl with a mysterious past. everything is normal at this Academy until one day after A vision, Samato and Iruka wake up to see that their master has gone, and has left instructions for Samato and Iruka to gather the Half-Souls from across the continent and meet him at the fabled "Devil's Vault"

the games itself is a "Semi-non-linear" (if that is even a thing) game, being quite like a metal gear solid game it can quickly change from a serious situation to a happy/kooky situation.

many choices, many morality paths you walk, which will you walk... will you be the hero you were born to be, be greedy and have those around you suffer because of it?, or will you walk to path of a merciless sadist the choice is yours...

(WARNING: the game itself contains sexual references, censored scenes of a sexual nature, violence, flashing images and strong language, player discretion is advised)
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
The first thing I'm noticing is lack of capitalization at the beginning of certain sentences. That, and I feel like the whole story-section needs to be trimmed down, as it's a lot of information to throw at players all at once.

So, my suggestion might be to have it look something like...

The land known only as The Contenent is a radiant land that would seem as a utopia on the surface. Yet, underneath the plastic fields and silicone deserts lies a grim, dark world full of prejudice and evil. Perhaps the most affected by this prejudice are those known as the Half-Souls: Humans with a separate intelligence that, when that intelligence takes over, transforms their bodies into animals.

Samato is a young Half-Soul that goes to a local Half-Soul academy, and desires to find out why his mother was murdered, and by what. At the academy, he meets the mysterious Iruka Seomi and the idiosyncratic master of the academy. Life there is fairly normal, but, one day, he finds himself waking up to find a note written by the master to gather what Half-Souls he can to meet him in the Devil's Vault.

At first, Samato thinks this note isn't anything to concern himself with, but, he soon finds that Iruka is the only other student at the academy. Perhaps that note is more serious than he thought...
author=Marrend
I swear there is an article about CSSing profiles, somewhere. I haven't read it, so, I'm not sure how useful it is for beginners, though.


TY, I'll take a look at this and see if I can learn2CSS.
my submision was denied for a second time....
can someone help me fix my description ?
The Reason my submision was denied because "Description needs a little work."..... not very informative...

It's a story ....A story about a dying world. Even that world in the verge of destruction, that dying world has a fierce will to survive. That World duplicating many part of another world, and that world take them as part of it's own. Land, air, sea, life ... it receives all of it into itself. Although they are not part of the world old self, that world did everything to keep on living.

But that's only a temporary measure. Like trying to implant one flesh onto another, the risk of rejection is bound to happen, That dying world already know. This is a story about a world that's made up of many different parts of the other world "Fragmentia". Story about all life that's living inside it .....trying to change the world fate, even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They will try to save that world, the world in which they live.

well, if my game was denied for a third time, i will just give up with english version, because i lack of grammar skill :(
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
@jenova3new: I think it might be permissible to have descriptions in multiple languages, as long as at least one of the descriptions provided is an English one? I'm not exactly sure about that, though.

Anyway, the question that occurs to me is if you just sent in the description that you wrote, or if you also included the feature-list from your previous post? For example, a statement like "This game is a Final Fantasy-esque RPG with a Active Time Battle system." should cover both the points on the ATB and side-view. Maybe support such statements with images (Sub-note: Use the image uploader section of the gamepage for such images!) as well.

As for the video, I feel it would be best suited as a media submission. However, that would be after you get a gamepage.
My submission was denied due to the description,here it is;
In the nation of Vurix people are fooled into thinking their everyday lives are truly "utopian",that the Vurixen governments rule is perfect.However,in the shadows 18-year-old Core knows far better.Having been a victim of the government agency Xeno's experiments at a young age he seeks to take down the tyrannical government and find freedom.
The Vurixan government is not foolish either,Core will have to give everything it takes to stop the government from setting their plans into action,but just what are their plans?During his ultimate mission for freedom Core will gain allies that will help him greatly on the way.Core and his allies are some of the only people that know of the government's ways,and their not alone their being watched,always.
Something is happening to Core from his past as a human test subject for Xeno,something unnaturally inhuman.While Core is on the way to fight for his freedom the Earth is suffering too,and it seems the whole universe knows it too.
"The government controls us,the people,nobody pays attention,because nobody knows freedom.I don't either,but soon I will,all of us will."-Core
-Follow Core as he meets allies and tries to uncover the secrets behind the government's experiments,what he's becoming,and the unnatural change happening to Earth.
-Something is happening people are disappearing and the population brainwashed.
-Follow a painful story focusing on technology,torture,mutation,space,aliens,and human experimentation
-An originalsoundtrack made by me(Sorry if it's horrible it's the best I can do using vst plugins)
-Tiles are also made by me
-The sprites are made by me using templates
-I'm going to look through the scripts I'm using and then I'll give whoever made them credit here.
-A new rpg adventure with a blend of lots of futuristic sci-fi
-Active Time Battle System(made by moghunter)
-Made by me;CYBERLOUS
TehGuy
Resident Nonexistence
1827
author=CYBERLOUS
-Made by me;CYBERLOUS


(no duh) Ahem, anyways, unfortunately I lack the time to get real in depth (studying for tests is fun) so I'll just leave a quick fixer

First off, spaces after punctuation aids in readability and, second, if you find you're repeating a word quite a bit then it may be time to find some synonyms (IMO, as it starts to sound strange to me) or replace it with he/she/it/they/them/etc. Exceptions exist, of course.

I think what I'd suggest, beyond the grammatical stuff, is perhaps reading through it again and finding what could possibly be expanded on a bit, removed all together, or re-worded to kinda help with the flow of the whole thing


Without further adieu, a quick fix-up:

In the nation of Vurix people are fooled into thinking their everyday lives are truly "utopian", that the Vurixen governments rule is perfect; however, in the shadows 18-year-old Core knows far better. A victim of inhumane experiments performed by a government agency, known as Xeno, he seeks to bring down the tyrannical government and find freedom. (NOTE: this one sounds a bit odd having the word 'government' in there twice, IMO)

The Vurixan government is not foolish either. Core will have to give everything it takes to stop the them from setting their plans into action, but just what are they? During his ultimate mission for freedom, Core will gain allies that will help him greatly on his journey. He and his allies are some of the only people that know of the government's ways, and they're not alone; they're being watched, always.

Something is happening to Core due to his past as a human test subject for Xeno, something unnaturally inhuman. While Core is on the way to fight for his freedom the Earth is suffering, too, and it seems the whole universe knows it.

"The government controls us, the people, and nobody pays attention because nobody knows freedom. I don't either, but soon I will. All of us will." - Core