LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Why the forced line-breaks, redwall? You always post this way, and I keep wondering why you keep doing it.

Anyway, my take on that would be something to the effect of...

April 3, 1580. A new breed of humans have been born. Marked by having wings, they are easy subjects of bigotry and racism throughout the lands. As tensions mount, a man calling himself Black Dragon creates a group bent on committing genocide on the so-called "marked ones", claiming that such would "cleanse humanity".

Two siblings, Chris and Ashley, being "marked ones", are no strangers to hostility. However, as Black Dragon's movement gains more steam, they find themselves running for their very lives, and seeking the companionship of, and refuge with, other "marked ones".

...that, but, I could be going more than a bit overboard with this!
My submission wasn't denied for this reason, but I'd greatly appreciate if anyone would mind taking a look at my game desc and giving me some feedback. Thanks!

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While most individuals in the modern world are skeptical of the supernatural, it exists. Most long standing institutions in the world have had various means of dealing with individuals and creatures of supernatural origins. The Catholic AWET (Anti-Wyrd Elimination Team) is just one such organization, but many others have been founded and lost throughout history. In modern times, more and more of these organizations have been founded by private individuals and families, and run independently. The largest is the Solomon Org. with Bureaus in New York, Cairo, Paris, and Tokyo.

You are a former agent of the Org, retired a few years ago to live a more quiet life, not dependent on chasing down errant vampires and eliminating Corruption to make day to day living possible. However, things have changed drastically, as you are called back into service, the agents sent to retrieve you slaughtered by unknown forces. Thrust into a leadership position, you are now in charge of the operations of the Solomon Org. With many threats on the horizon, you have to recruit more Wyrd Agents to expand your ranks, help shore up the various Bureaus, and find the cause of the sudden rise in Corruption activity.

While commander, many difficult choices will be before you. Do you recruit the agent you sent a mission for, or rescue the civilian magus he used as bait to keep himself safe? Do you slay the insane vampire, or try to recruit him to your side despite his murderous tendencies? Each operation brings its own choices, and dangers, as at any time your agents could fall in battle, and be lost forever.

The choices are yours, commander.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Rine, the first thing that leaps at me is the last line. Commander should be capitalised. When you are describing a position it doesn't need to be but when you are talking about an individual it does and that line is directed at the individual.

The first paragraph flows pretty well. I would tend to try and cut down on word repetition, so I'd probably say 'the majority of people' rather than most individuals in the first instance, since you use individuals a few times in the remaining section. I'm not sure about 'lost' in regard to an organisation, disbanded perhaps, or failed if you meant it that they were overrun by what they fought. You don't need to capitalise Bureaus in that last sentence.

Second paragraph is a little clunkier, replace 'more quiet' with quieter, and 'not dependent' with 'no longer dependent'. Is the day to day living yours, or the world's? That line could be taken either way but if you mean yours you should add a personal modifier. I'd replace 'changed' with 'worsened' lose the comma after service and add 'are' between 'you' and 'slaughtered'. Also capitalisation of Bureaus again.


On a side note this sounds like a cross between Sanctuary and a world building sim. I'm looking forward to playing this one.
@nhubi: I'll revise it a bit, thanks for your input! I haven't played Sanctuary, but I've pegged it as a cross between X-com, Big Bang Age, and the works of Kinoko Nasu.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
No problem at all, oh and Sanctuary isn't a game it was a TV series starring Amanda Tapping.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
What's getting at me is...

You are a former agent of the Org...


...this, actually. Would it not be...

You are a former agent of that organization...


...this, or, perhaps...

You are a former member of Solomon Organization...


...that? Also, is there a reason I'm seeing "corruption" capitalized? Like, is it supposed to be an actual organization with that name, or are you talking about corruption in a more general sense?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
I was ok with the Org as it had already been stated the group was called Solomon Org and that seems like a slang term the employees would use, like the Company, or the Firm.

I definitely assumed 'Corruption' was a term for an overarching supernatural element, if not the capitalisation is completely wrong.
@Nhubi pretty much got it right, "Corruption" in this sense is referring more to magical anti-bodies of the earth, corrupted by man-made things, so you might fight something called "Waste" or "War". I might change the name to something else eventually, as 'corrupted by Corruption' is gonna be weird to state, but for now that's what I'm calling it.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
If you're going with the antibodies analogy, perhaps something like the Rot or the Phage, it gives it that slightly medical feel. That or you could use terms like rotted by the Corruption or infected by the Corruption and just avoid 'corrupted by the Corruption'.
My game was two times denied after I fixed a lot of the description. It was two times denied because of spelling errors. Could someone look at it?

http://forums.rpgmakerweb.com/index.php?/topic/33789-twell-sword-of-light/

Thank you!
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Ok, that's huge. I'm going to assume it is the story section only you want help with?

Original unedited for anyone else that wants to give it a go
It all happened long ago in a world named Twell that didn’t knew any danger and where the sun was always shining. A dark creature named Deff used his dark powers to create fear, murder and demolitions.

However... One day, a brave human picked up a sword from the lights and dared to face this dark creature. With his sword from the light, he managed to defeat the monster by forcing him back to the shadows.

Some people say that the hero was a special human that had the power to free their world, but some people believed that the sword that the hero held was the key to defeat this monster. A sword that no blacksmith could have made. But where did it came from? 60 years has past and our hero past away. Maybe one day the sword will meet a new owner. Or how the hero called it, the Sword of Light!


Here's my suggestion for you, with questions in red where I was unsure of your meaning.

It all happened long ago in on a world named called Twell that didn’t knew know any danger and where the sun was always shining. A dark creature named Deff used his dark powers to create fear, murder death and demolitions destruction.

However..., One one day, a brave human picked up a sword from the lights (what are the 'lights' is it a mystical realm of some kind?) and dared to face this dark creature. With his sword from the light (light or lights?), he managed to defeat the monster by forcing him back to into the shadows.

Some people say that the hero was a special human that had the power to free their world, but some people others believed that the sword that the he held was the key to defeat defeating this monster. A sword that no blacksmith could have made forged. But where did it came come from? 60 years have past passed and our hero has past passed away. Maybe one day the sword will meet find a new owner someone else to wield it. Or how the hero called it A new hero for the Sword of Light!


I'm assuming that the MC of the game will end up picking up the sword, you may want to add a teaser at the end along the lines of,

Is it you?

or

Are you that hero?

as a slight hook for the player.
It's much better. You're right, 'lights' is better than 'light'. Thank you so much. :)
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
You are welcome, but you didn't actually answer my query, what are the 'lights'?
author=nhubi
You are welcome, but you didn't actually answer my query, what are the 'lights'?

Oh I'm sorry. Yeah, it's more or less a realm. It's just the human world. There is a dark world that is the opposite of the light world. The world itself created the sword to protect the people from the dark world.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Ah, you may want to capitalise it then.
author=nhubi
Ah, you may want to capitalise it then.

I'm not sure if it's going to be a term in the game but for now, that might be a better idea. Thanks.
Hello, I'd like to present my game titled Mentalmetal. All the imagery is hand drawn by myself using mouse. Those are linearts, i don't want to fill it. In the surrounding enviroment will dominated by two colours only. We impersonate the character of Machuka, we're some sort of godlike being, astral soul.The game doesn't have plot per se, although there's one main motif (Releasing the 666 beast), but asides we will just have the possibility to parcitipate in 30 missions/adventures which we can attend to in non-linear fashion. The adventures are triggered by going to certain location at certain time or after comlpeting preceeding task. Also, our choices can influence further gameplay or even block other adventure. We're using Machuka's calendar. Obtained artifacts are destined for construction of planets-New setpieces.

Protagonist (machuki)
Male


Female


Main occupation of Machuka's exploring the cosmos. Participating in adventures. Which is, usually, going from one place to another, completing the dialogue section, sometimes to create soething, just wait, or eliminate an enemy. Chaos is the part of my game and I do know that that at first it'll be hard to grasp anything. We're thrown into vortex of the cosmos, we start in our native solar system, the access to the rest of cosmos is available at hand. We can venture wherever we want.

bedbug ship:


Alchemy and frontflip:


Adv #3:


Adv #5:


Adv #8:


Adv #10:


Adv #20:


My game's Style. All of my graphics, and there's roughly over 3000 are made by hand. They're linearts-colouring them on my own would've been an insanity. Two colours prevail in the game. This is a balance and it's explained in two sentences at the beggining of the game.



Mental metal it's typical representant of 'dungeon crawler' genre. I'd like you to notice the way our caracter is navigating the map. It's an ingenious solution, which I came up with, and it's using about 60% of this system. Most of the maps are interactive. The epoch of games made using titlesets is coming to an end.

Battle system- classic straight out of RPG Maker, albeit there are few modifications made by me, as charging special, inputting certain combinations to increase the damage dealt.








As you can see, I haven't used any scripted actions in the game. It's a kind of ''essential RPG Maker''. In the options you can change navigation method from d-pad to 8 directions.

Motor isn't only vehicle for hastened movement but surely the most efficient one. As you can see, I am not putting a great deal of attention to char-sets animation because, simply, I haven't got enough time for this.



Our character can tumble, pivot (but he can also: Give Voice ), look around the map (if it's bigger than 640x480)

The release date is anticipated at the end of 2015 (It might change without notice). The game will be PEGI18+ rated

www.mentalmetal.tk
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Wrong thread, seriously wrong thread.

XPERO, games have gamepages on RMN, not forum posts, you'll need to delete that post and submit a game via the submissions tab on your navigation bar (top of screen).

Or are you actually trying to say you tried and it got rejected, if so, please edit the post to remove all the images, we don't need them to help you, and they get in the way.

e: really? I've never had to delete a post so I just assumed. Silly me. Ok, amended, XPERO, it'd be good if you edited that post to only have the relevant information, if you do need the services generally offered in this thread. That or pop a line to an admin to have it deleted if you don't. Thanks Marrend.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
To be fair, nhubi, regular users cannot delete their own posts. Edit them so that they don't have contents, yes, but not outright delete. Mods, however, have the ability to delete posts.

Saying that, a take-away is that the game revolves around a character (Machuka), and the task of releasing The Beast (of "666" fame). Well, maybe "revolve" isn't the right word for the task of releasing The Beast, as you specify that the game doesn't have a plot, in a strict sense. It's more about exploration of... the... cosmos? For what purpose? For the sake of exploration, itself? Maybe I'm missing that part in the sea wall of pictures text.