LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

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@marrend
i mean i will just giveup on english version and just released my game localy

because i can't find it.... where's the wrong part in my description....

It's a story ....A story about a dying world. Even that world in the verge of destruction, that dying world has a fierce will to survive. That World duplicating many part of another world, and that world take them as part of it's own. Land, air, sea, life ... it receives all of it into itself. Although they are not part of the world old self, that world did everything to keep on living.

But that's only a temporary measure. Like trying to implant one flesh onto another, the risk of rejection is bound to happen, That dying world already know. This is a story about a world that's made up of many different parts of the other world "Fragmentia". Story about all life that's living inside it .....trying to change the world fate, even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They will try to save that world, the world in which they live.
author=jenova3new
@marrend
i mean i will just giveup on english version and just released my game localy

because i can't find it.... where's the wrong part in my description....

It's a story ....A story about a dying world. Even that world in the verge of destruction, that dying world has a fierce will to survive. That World duplicating many part of another world, and that world take them as part of it's own. Land, air, sea, life ... it receives all of it into itself. Although they are not part of the world old self, that world did everything to keep on living.

But that's only a temporary measure. Like trying to implant one flesh onto another, the risk of rejection is bound to happen, That dying world already know. This is a story about a world that's made up of many different parts of the other world "Fragmentia". Story about all life that's living inside it .....trying to change the world fate, even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They will try to save that world, the world in which they live.

Maybe I can help,well first of all you put"It's a story....A story about a dying world."I suggest you change that sentence to,"This is a story,a story about a dying world."
" Even that world in the verge of destruction, that dying world has a fierce will to survive," to ,"Even though the world is on the verge of destruction,it still has a fierce will to survive."
" Although they are not part of the world old self, that world did everything to keep on living." This I'm not sure I understand but I'll try."Although they are not part of the world itself,it did everything to keep on living."
"That dying world already knows."
That's all I can do for now I hope I helped and not just confused you more
TehGuy
Resident Nonexistence
1827
@jenova3new

This is a story, a story about a dying world. Even on the verge of destruction, that dying world has a fierce will to survive. It duplicated many parts of another world, and made them part of its own. Land, air, sea, life -- the world received all of it onto itself. Although they are not part of the old world, the replicas did everything to keep on living. However, it was only a temporary measure; like trying to implant one's flesh onto another, the risk of rejection still exists.

This is a story about a world that's made up of many different parts of the other world "Fragmentia", a story about all life that's living inside it, trying to change the world's fate even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They will try to save that world, the world in which they live.


Bippity boop, here's what I think.
author=TehGuy
@jenova3new

This is a story, a story about a dying world. Even on the verge of destruction, that dying world has a fierce will to survive. It duplicated many parts of another world, and made them part of its own. Land, air, sea, life -- the world received all of it onto itself. Although they are not part of the old world, the replicas did everything to keep on living. However, it was only a temporary measure; like trying to implant one's flesh onto another, the risk of rejection still exists.

This is a story about a world that's made up of many different parts of the other world "Fragmentia", a story about all life that's living inside it, trying to change the world's fate even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They will try to save that world, the world in which they live.


Bippity boop, here's what I think.


but, replicas is the one who want to save the dying world...
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20691
Um, I believe the intent is for it to start as...

This is a story. A story about a dying world.


...that, and go from there. As for the point about replicas being the ones who want to save the world, maybe something more like...

Although the are not of Fragmentia, the replicas do everything they can to keep it alive.


...that?
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
I must admit that actually throws me a little, since the replicas/copies/duplicates what have you are just that, the originals are back on whatever homeworld Fragmentia copied them from, but if Fragementia is a dying world where is it getting the energy to create copies of huge chunks of other worlds? I could understand if it was stealing them, actually taking bits of other worlds including life forms in order to sustain itself, but the create a copy thing seems rather expensive energywise to me, and a little nonsensical in that regard.
author=nhubi
I must admit that actually throws me a little, since the replicas/copies/duplicates what have you are just that, the originals are back on whatever homeworld Fragmentia copied them from, but if Fragementia is a dying world where is it getting the energy to create copies of huge chunks of other worlds? I could understand if it was stealing them, actually taking bits of other worlds including life forms in order to sustain itself, but the create a copy thing seems rather expensive energywise to me, and a little nonsensical in that regard.

well... if I explain now, it will become a spoiler...... the reason why that world was dying :|

spoiler
the cause is the native inhabitant of the world itself, so it's not a matter of the world energy

it's like an early stadium cancer, that you looks healty and full of energy
but, inside, the world dying slowly but sure
What matters is not why the story may be flawed(unless you have other plans)
, what matters is getting the description to a point where it makes sense.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Actually it does matter because if the description has a logical flaw then it will turn players off the game.

Also, given the information provided the description is now wrong, since it's not the world that has a fierce will to survive. It's not sentient or aware which is the impression that sentence gives, and is actually a bit of a drawcard, the idea of the world as a character in its own right.

So, knowing that the description needs to be reworded without revealing the infomation that the dev considers a spoiler.

Something like this

This is a story.
A story about a dying world.

Fragmentia.

The world of Fragmentia is dying, but even as it fades it is somehow replenished, duplicates portions of other worlds appear and are incorporated into it, oceans, sky, land and even living creatures. But this is only a temporary measure, like trying to implant one flesh in to another, rejection is bound to happen and death is approaching.

Against the odds, the duplicated people of Fragmentia battle to avert their fate, even though they are only reproductions with no memories of their true selves. They may not be real, but their dying world is, and they will do anything to save it.


Hello.
I am back again. With a new game. It's called Chronicles Eclipse
Being made in RPG Maker MV.

My game was denied twice and is there something off about it?
It was denied for "Description needs a little work on sentence structure."

Here the description of my game.
It all begins in Aquisginia the fallen utopia city. This enormous city is the home for many different types of people. From the rich, middle class, homeless people and even to animals. The city Aquisginia is also overrun by an organization called “Nobel”. Nobel have ten key figures within the organization. They called the “Ten Nobles” by many in Aquisginia and they are highly praised for their outstanding work. The Ten Noble possesses powers way beyond normal humans can imagine.

As things begin to quiet down in Aquisginia City. Deep below the ground lies a new civilization being created by none of than dark mages. The dark mages apparently seek a new utopia for themselves. They would whatever it takes to have their dreams come to life.


By the way. Aquisginia is the actual name of the city.

nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
How about something like this

Aquisginia was once a utopia, but that was long ago. Now the enormous city is overseen by the Ten Nobles, the ten key figures of the Noble Organisation. Possessing powers beyond the abilities of normal humans the Nobles keep the city and all of its diverse inhabitants safe and secure.

However deep below ground and far away from the watchful eyes of the Nobles a new civilisation is being created by a group of dark mages. Seeking a new utopia fashioned in their own image, they will do whatever it takes to bring their dreams to life.

I wasn't sure how dictatorial the Nobels are so I left that clear, but you could include something like 'Using a strict set of rules the Nobles keep the city...'. Or if you wanted them to be a little more subtle, '...diverse inhabitants safe, secure and complacent.'
author=nhubi
How about something like this

Aquisginia was once a utopia, but that was long ago. Now the enormous city is overseen by the Ten Nobles, the ten key figures of the Noble Organisation. Possessing powers beyond the abilities of normal humans the Nobles keep the city and all of its diverse inhabitants safe and secure.

However deep below ground and far away from the watchful eyes of the Nobles a new civilisation is being created by a group of dark mages. Seeking a new utopia fashioned in their own image, they will do whatever it takes to bring their dreams to life.


I wasn't sure how dictatorial the Nobels are so I left that clear, but you could include something like 'Using a strict set of rules the Nobles keep the city...'. Or if you wanted them to be a little more subtle, '...diverse inhabitants safe, secure and complacent.'


I see. I'll try something like that.
BizarreMonkey
I'll never change. "Me" is better than your opinion, dummy!
1625
DONT TELL ME MY DESCRIPTION NEEDS WORK YOU NINCOMPOOPS!!!

Aight. I'll just use Perseverance: Adherence as a template since it went through.
BizarreMonkey
I'll never change. "Me" is better than your opinion, dummy!
1625
Alright bumping because I need help.

I can't see whats wrong with this, I understood the first time because that "Plot" part wasn't there. The character bios are in images now too even though that wasn't asked. You've let this through, so please... PLEASE do tell me what I must do to appease this sites and I quote "Incredibly Low Standards".

I must be doing something wrong, but I dunno what it is! I need your help, fellas. :)
On October 31 2000 a young man named Odile has moved to a new town called Japan town with his mother and sister this will be a new start In You're
life because You're Mom Is Starting a new job and you are getting away
from the big city however things are not what they seem because a witch and
a vampire has cursed the school and torcher the school students now it is up to you to remove this town curs and save you're classmates.


TehGuy
Resident Nonexistence
1827
author=BizarreMonkey
-snip-

Perhaps run it through with this? I took some issue to the wording of some of the sentences (and some of those had a redundant nature about them) but I couldn't find much beyond that..

A world with no sun and three moons that orbit in such a way as to give a perpetual sense of night; this is Terra, a land of magic, wonder, and evil. The President and his 12 elected officials of the Atamos Corporation are seeking to free the ancient Gemini Angels whom were imprisoned within Terra's molten core millennia ago. The people largely objected to this and soon Vengeance, a terrifying Dragonar the size of a city, is sent by ambiguous forces to deal with the Corporation and the threat they pose to reality. However, this backfires when the Corporation manages to tame the beast and instead use it to keep their citizenry in check. In all this madness, a young girl, barely out of the academy, seeks to free her people from the jaws of tyranny after Vengeance destroys her hometown and the walls that once trapped her along with it, allowing her to be free. Now privy to the frivolous upstart, the Corporation sets its Corrupted Guardian on a destructive path towards Teratown.

Bah, maybe someone else may come along and know what's up. Either way, I kinda like what you've got going with this =3=

I tried

author=redwall10
On October 31 2000 a young man named Odile has moved to a new town called Japan town with his mother and sister this will be a new start In You're
life because You're Mom Is Starting a new job and you are getting away
from the big city however things are not what they seem because a witch and
a vampire has cursed the school and torcher the school students now it is up to you to remove this town curs and save you're classmates.

Perhaps

On October 31, 2000, a young man named Odile has moved to a new town, known as Japan Town, with his mother and sister. This will be a new start in your life because your mom is starting a new job and you are getting away from the big city. However, things are not what they seem; a witch and a vampire have cursed the school and tortured the students. Now it is up to you to remove this town curse and save your classmates.

Though, you'll need a couple more words to hit that 500 character minimum

EDIT: Apparently I like the word "perhaps" too much.
BizarreMonkey
I'll never change. "Me" is better than your opinion, dummy!
1625
Thanks Teh, I've resubmitted it again.
nhubi
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
11099
Nothing wring with the word perhaps, Teh.

OK Biz you've resubbed so I'll skip yours,

Redwall,

Do you need to have the date including year in your description? I'm assuming you want to drive home the point that it is Halloween? So, something like this

It's Halloween and Odile and his mother and sister have just moved to Japan Town for a fresh start. Odile's mother is starting a new job in this quiet little town, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city. However the quiet is hiding a dark and terrible secret. It seems the school has been cursed by a witch and a vampire and the students have been tortured. Now it's up to Odile to find and remove the curse that plagues the town and save his classmates.


You're still short on the 500 characters you need for a description, so here's a couple of questions that could flesh it out.

How long ago was the school cursed? If it was a recent, add that, if a long time ago, add that.
Why both a witch and a vampire to curse it? Surely one is enough. If it was a witch you can then say that the Vampire is torturing the students at her bidding, and if it was the Vampire it's the other way around.
Why must it be Odile that saves the school, is everyone else made powerless by the curse and only a newcomer can turn it around, or is there something special about Odile?
Is it the entire town that is cursed, or only the school? A hint of a reason why can also add some flesh to these bare bones.