DEWELAR'S PROFILE

1. Generic events don't mean the actual conversation within has to be generic. They start off good enough, but are gradually replaced by stock phrases and cliches(somebody ran out of steam, didn't he?). The story's quality takes a backseat when she comes off as a cardboard cutout outside of it.

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm one of those people who's always making little changes to stuff, so some portion of what you're seeing is placeholder-ish, meant for later development.

2. Replace the "Female Voice" ID with hers in the introduction story. As per an unwritten rule, text by dateable character is always colored red, even if the player doesn't know her yet. Yes, I am aware we're talking about only two lines.

Fair enough. That was more for the aesthetic reason that the player hasn't met her yet, and thus doesn't know her name until Iwao calls her by it.

3. A big one. I hope you agree the Player's personality should be at least along the lines of the core game's protagonist. Pay attention, I needed to point this out to one too many devs: He's supposed to have some fucking balls.
Admittably, he is somewhat laid back. But your version of him is astoundingly and unbearably non-committal. There is a filler word and/or awkward pause in almost every one of his sentences. I swear, if I see another unwarranted "well", "umm" or "..." today I'm gouging my eyes out. Even his inner monologues lost their snarkiness, self-doubt neatly filling in the vacant space. He comes off to as a mix of a nerd terrified of socializing and a detached psychopath. He'd have trouble picking up a disillusioned hooker using his weekly vage, let alone a woman who is yet to abandon her dignity.

*laughs* I will see what I can do. This will probably be my toughest assignment.

4. When the above doesn't apply, he's often plain out of character. "And that means she's officially on the market. Good to know."? "You heard the lady"? The guy isn't the Player we know and love. He's his misogynistic jock personality split.

*nods* Hand in hand with point 3, methinks, but easier to remedy.

6. "Hey, maybe we could form a new club - the debating-without-arguing club!"
Remember the above quote. It is nothing less than a result of a DC 30 Personality check. We are supposed to be impressed by it. Off with the underwear, ladies! *groan*
Come on now. I conjure up less dreadful lines for my rants. To give you due credit, Stories 666 and 674 are ingenious in comparison. They are proof that you can do better. Why not go ahead?

Hmmmmm...yeah, when I wrote that originally, it was a throwaway, but then I structured a couple other events to play off it later. It's now in there for the express purpose of being a cheesy joke, so they can laugh about it later. I have since reduced the personality check to 20 to reflect this, but perhaps I should just remove it altogether. It's not really accomplishing anything.

Also...I've totally renumbered my stories, so I have only a vague idea which ones were 666 and 674. :-/

6.

Oh, great, point 6 twice. Well, that blows any credibility you had here, my friend ;-) !

What's with the non-standard Athletics check for no apparent reason? Let's be honest here, we've been through the abusive S.O. trope quite a lot without any of them resorting to assault played for drama. Even if it was absolutely necessary, it should be a major plot point, not an excuse for dealing with the check quota that is mentioned once and forgotten right after. Moreover, there's nothing(and nobody, Noriko included) to suggest an Athletics check is coming up. I'm pretty sure domestic violence would increase the game's PG rating, while we're at it. At least give Iwao a semblance of individuality. Right now he's basically a plot device on legs, doing whatever crime against morals needs to be done to advance the story. Antagonists deserve your love as much as your hatred, people.

Fair point. Iwao is definitely one edge of a piece of cardboard at this point. I have a new event for him already written, with another in the works, that should help. And, yeah, the Athletics check is kind of gratuitous there.

7. Despite what fairy tales have told you, Knights In Shining Armor are bad news. Don't portray it as something positive. I refuse to give my name to a message such as this.


I'll address this together with point 9 below.

8. Stick to the eastern name order.

Will have to check where I biffed this one. I don't even remember mentioning Noriko's family name in her story.

9. What- Poetry? Plot device introduced at end of route? Why?!! Guh!

See, I knew I needed more events after he discovers the pad. I've already added one between the roof scene above and the discovery, where she's in the courtyard writing something on the pad, and when the player comes over she fumbles to keep him from seeing it. Definitely needs more fleshing out.

To the larger point, though...that's kind of the story of the character. She's a writer, but at the beginning of the story she only puts this toward writing debate cases. Once she meets the player, the other side of the coin comes out and she discovers her artistic side (or, as she puts it, her "romantic" side). The Knight In Shining Armor thing speaks to that. You can say that nobody buys into it any more, but then I might have to go all Freddy and Sammy on your ass. Anyway, this is why I asked flowerthief about being able to switch a character's proclivities - I wanted to be able to originally have Mind over Soul, then flip-flop those as the story went on to reflect the above.

Also, a bit of background to clarify where the "debate-to-poetry" idea originated: I was also in the debate club, but we didn't do policy debate, we did parliamentary-style debate, where we wrote our own cases and presented them to our opponents cold. There's a degree of creative writing involved, thus debate->poetry being totally viable. I didn't feel like going into the technical details was appropriate, but could be convinced otherwise.

Anyway, if what I'm trying to present isn't coming across, then that's 100% on me. I will do better.