JERICHO'S PROFILE

TRUE PRO GAMER PRO GAMING CHALLENGE

Count the number of ellipses in this update without crying or vomiting.






What is this place?

My head hurts. It feels like I haven't slept in days.

And my chest feels odd. Almost as if...

: As if...



Who are you? Where am I?

I am the Sojouner, keeper of the Halls of Legends. It's been some time since I've had such a young guest.



I mean, seriously. “The temporary resident.” You're gonna have to be a little less vague because right now you could be any one of my neighbors.

The Hall of Legends exists outside your normal perception of space and time. It resides in The Void, the deepest recesses of your mind.

In other words, I'm hallucinating. This just keeps getting better and better. Hey, wait a minute. Did you just call me stupid?

Well, I see there's no point in wasting your time with explanations. I'll get to the point. You are stupid, but also, The Hall of Legends is a temple to those whose greatness transcended mortality
and became immortalized within its walls. At times, one of the great ones sees it fit to spare an individual from death and call them instead to the Void. When this happens, the individual establishes a link to their patron and awakens a special power.

You're sounding a lot like those guys from Pizza Empire. There is no WAY I am sticking around for another “cheese pizza is not technologically feasible” spiel. Lates!

If you seek a way back to reality, perhaps the gentleman outside can be of assistance.

Yeah, thanks. Like I missed someone on a thirty feet narrow pathway.



what is this sorcery

Good evening, Auria.

Look, I don't even know how I got here or even where the hell I am. I just want to go home.

That is not the polite response to the greeting I issued. Did you meet the sojouner? I could have sworn he said something about a manners trea-

Yeah, and he's off his rocker. I was kind of hoping you'd be normal, but it looks like that was asking too much.

Dude, what the fuck. The Hall of Legends by nature attracts abnormal people. After all, no living soul has ever set foot within.

How does a place that exists inside my mind attract anything?

Yeah, well, you know. It's, uh, a waystation, the midpoint between life and death.

That old guy lied to me! I knew he was from Pizza Empire!...Wait... Wait. Stop. You mean that I'm...

Dead? Yes. Even though I just said you weren't. But soon you'll be more alive than ever before.

Oh god. Oh god.

There's no need to be afraid, Auria.

Afraid? Afraid? I'm dead! Don't you dare tell me not to be afraid! I was murdered!

Yes, but a higher power saw it fit to grant you a second chance. That's why you're here. Please, let me introduce myself. My name is Ejaro Derayan. I've come to offer you a deal.

What kind of deal? Does it involve guns and making a guess about whether or not I'm supposed to know you because I'm really not good with that sort of thing.

I can guide you back to Disparatus if you agree to help me find something.

...

What in christ's name is Disparatus. UGH, whatever. I just... I just want to go home. I want this to be over with.

I can take you home, but what happens after you get there is none of my concern.

Just... shut up, okay? My head hurts and I'm pretty sure I was shot to death. I've had enough of your talking.

Come speak to me when you are ready to return.







okay ready

Are you ready to return?

I've been ready. Why did you even stop talking to me?

You are very rude. You should establish a link with your patron before going back.

I thought that old dude said it happened when I came here.



WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO YOU DODDERING ANTEDELUVIAN



I am almost positive that this is Auria's patron.

The game does not tell you this, but what you need to do is examine these two pools of water.




Here you find weapondudes. These affect your base stats. Sailerius has informed me that his fabled “speed build” will destroy all in its path. Remove all opposition. Take down all contenders. So as funny as I find the idea of someone holding two spears, I intend to prove to him how worthless speed is by taking two daggers and putting every stat point I can muster into it.



Book: You hold in your left hand a dagger. You hold in your right hand a dagger.Is this the path you desire?

Yes.

Book: You have chosen the path of the warrior. Your journey begins in the dead of night.



oh my god



Oh, uh, nevermind.
Okay...



Hey! Wait! What are you doing?



a way to use the word "time" as much as possible in the next three sentences.





I was just a kid at the time. When we got there-- mom and dad were still together at the timeâ€"I complained the whole time and demanded to go home.

I was so angry that I stormed out of the house and ran into the woods. It wasn't long before I got lost.


It started to rain. I tried to find my way back, but I didn't know the way. When my parents finally found me, I was scraped up, crying, and soaking wet. I was so happy to see them, but the first thing they made me do, even before I could dry off, was apologize to my family. I was so afraid that they would hate me. But instead of yelling or scolding me, they made me hot chocolate and apple pie. I never ran away again. When Mom and Dad got divorced, we stopped going to family reunions. Maybe I was just bitter, but I couldn't help but wonder at the time. If I ran into the woods again, would anyone come looking for me?

I typed that whole thing up just so you can see how Sailerius tries to hide his ridiculous statements in walls of text. Hot chocolate AND apple pie? Yeah. I guess you were banking on nobody noticing that just like you hoped nobody would raise an eyebrow at this!







Where am I? Who are you?

My name is Zaqris jaGrane.

Ah, I see. A name as stupid as the combination of hot chocolate and apple pie. Now tell me where I am.

Zaqril: You're in the village of Songuil. My companion and I found you unconscious in the forest last night.

Forest..? Village...? What province is this?





Oh god. That means he's a filthy, grass loving, tree hugging, book reading, dog smelling ELF. SCRAM




aaah yes. It was always my dream. As soon as I started up this game, I said “I want to go to a third world country and harass the locals.”



not letting me be able to wave wads of cash in this guy's face is possibly the third worst design decision in this game. The other two, of course, are both East Naven. Now, our goal here is to get out of this quaint little village. The first step in doing this is to enter a cave.



Um....


cataracts are a common side effect of spending all your time in caves.

Are you Sera... Seriya...

Just call me Seri. It's short for Serijala. Also, how did you know my name?

Well, uh. You know. I'm a human. We know things. I'm Auria. Do you know what day it is offhand?

Sorry, the inferior elf population does not know how to tell time by any measure.

Hmm, yes, I thought as much. Thank god I have my digital human watch with advanced chromosphrerium alloy and wooden hands. So I've been out five days... I just can't figure out how I got to Alibaas.

Do you remember anything?

Well, If I did I'd...I just remember coming home and then waking up here. That's it.

Well, maybe you should rest for a while and it'll come back to you.

I guess...



I'm not sure. This symbol can be found in many places throughout Disparatus, but it's uncertain what it stands for. Only a few nights ago, a hunter disappeared from this village and this symbol was subsequently found here in the cave.

Is...Is that....is that the name of our world? Dude.

I don't know. It's a mystery, But...There's something strange about this symbol. The light it's emitting is changing the crystals near it.

Wow...So it is true. Not even a weird radioactive crop circle thing can make your elf feng-shui garbage interesting.

Well, we should get back to Zaqris. I was just passing time while I waited for you to awaken.



When did I ever agree to travel with you?

But, Miss Racorie... We must get to Banivia Elf High Command as soon as possible.

Hey, that's not where I want to go.

We must take refuge in Banivia before anything else can be considered.

Forgive us, Auria. You may remain here, if you would rather...

No... I guess I'll have to find a way home from Banivia.

Then let us make haste.

Never has there been less of a common goal uniting three people.



At first, I thought this meant that Zaqris was Rikku from FFX. He is actually just a red mage.



What opposing tribes. Why are the Virad chasing us. What the hell is going on auhgkljff



So Zaqris decides Auria is too much of a scrub and needs some self-defense training. Despite being invisible and Zaqris using his unavoidable magic, I soundly hand him his own ass.



Seri wants to scrap too. She's a little bit trickier because she TOO is a legendary speed builder, but with the ability to reduce my own speed. She goes down, though.



Yeah. You know. Just my superior aryan human genetics. Anyway, let's beat it out of this podunk wasteland.



I was mistaken. I actually suck.

Not while we're still out in the open. We can seek shelter once we've made it to the Danjen Mountains.

I'm rather tired myself, Zaqris. We should be fine up here. We're far enough off the main roads that it's unlikely anyone will find us.

Yes, I agree. We are lost. I'll start gathering materials to make a fire.

Wait. I don't think we should build a fire.

Why not? As long as we keep watch, there should be nothing to worry about.

I just... I don't think it's a good idea. Fire hurt.

Alright then. It is not a problem.



Yeah, I keep thinking that when I wake up, I'll find myself in my bed back at home.

Well, look at the bright side. If you had never come to Alibaas, you never would have met Zaqris or me. For what it's worth, I'm leaving my home too. I don't know what we'll find in Banivia.

Me neither. Partially because I do not know what that is or where it is, but also because I don't really understand why anything was in the town I lived in for 17 years.

Banivia's not too far north of Svaldon. If we can get you on a boat to Svaldon, it'll be pretty easy to get back home from there.

I get the feeling you are making all of this up as you go along.

I wouldn't worry about it. What matters is that you'll be home before long.

No, actually, I think it does matter. You want to take me to Banivia to Svaldon through some place called the “Danjan Mountains” that is probably infested with techno-bats and were-moles.





Talk to me when you want to take this a little more seriously.



Auria has a scary nightmare about herself starring in an old TV show.



Aaaah, the mountains of vague importance. Time to put all my skills to the test!



And I mean that in the most literal sense possible. But, of course, I fail this check just like I did the first time I played this game. Apparently reaching down into this well to retrieve *an item* that you are already actually aware of requires you to have near sixth-sense capabilities. There's nothing else to say about this mountain. The only other thing that happens here is an uninteresting bandit ambush..



hurga durga find an inn yabba dabba doo

Yes. I concur.will now talk to myself, as I am wont to do every night.



This monologue is boring. However, Auria does get to this little otherwise inaccessible alcove. Good for her. Also a not scary nightmare happens for the second time in ten minutes.



By the way, to get skills for Auria after she levels up, you have to go into the mindvoid and talk to this liar.



Going down the list:

Counter: GoodThe worst. Absolutely terrible. Speed is kind. Obey. Obey.
First aid 1: Heal a pittance of health. Worthless.
First aid 2: Heal slightly more health for more mana. Worthless.
Speed Demon through Draconic Longevity: Increase base stats and unlock more abilities. Mandatory.
Wonder Child: Increases skill points by 20. Beyond worthless because skills do not exist beyond this act.
Fury Attack: Just a more powerful attack. Respectable, but not a priority.
Rapid Slash: An attack that lowers the target's speed. See Fury Attack.
Crushing Strike: “A powerful attack that sometimes raises the target's speed.” Wait, what?
Regeneration & Rejuvenation(cut off): Causes the user to regenerate 5% of SP and HP respectively. Utterly not worth it.



Sooooo you can talk to your party members in towns ala Star Ocean 2. I will not be transcribing any of this, but this is what I learned: Zaqris would like Auria to mind her own business, elves worship a tree, Seri's tribe is currently the main power of Elfland, Elfland is tumbling into Civil War with Seri's Racorie against the Korjom tribe, the latter which is known for cooperating with the Virad and engaging in slavery.

Oh, and also, there is a Virad dude right behind Auria. I would encourage anyone playing along to, at this point, procure some of the magical draughts concocted by the mystical elf people.



Truly, our cultures have much to share.



Are you kidding me?

What's a human girl doing here in Alibaas?

Uh...class trip.

Beautiful, Auria. Watertight.

Do you have any sort of identification on you?

Umm... I have a library card, hold on...Here.

Please wait here.

If we don't get through, then where can we go? It's too dangerous to venture off the path into the jungle. The mountains adjacent to the jungle, on the other hand...

If they try to identify us, we will have no choice but to flee. We might have to fight our way through.

You probably could have let me known about that complication before I gave up my LIBRARY CARD.

Whatever. Let's just leave using the magical elf transportation system.





Wait wh-



An artist's conception of what a gate leading into a subterranean cave system looks like



But it's actually a beachtown. I would end this update right now but FIRST THERE IS SOMETHING I MUST DO







Helllooooooo 500,000 downloads.

Sorry, but all of that is true. Reality cannot be immature or mature. It is only there.

I do not need to prove Superman's weaknesses nor Goku's strengths to you. They are established in the canon. This debate, perhaps unlike the ones you are used to, is for mature, not mealy-mouthed adults. Please read passively if you have nothing to contribute r. how much better goku is than superman

Actually, Superman and Goku's abilties are common knowledge to the upper echelon of society, which I believe I implied that this perfect debate was restricted to? I am not responsible for your inability to read between the lines, as perfect debaters have no such weakness.
Regaring the quotation in question: How is "Goku can beat Superman with kryptonite" not a claim? Your ignorance of this topic is not my concern. All perfect debaters enter the perfect arena with absolute knowledge concerning both sides of the argument before forming an opinion. Not only this, but you like to eat poop. For breakfast. That's right. Heh. Poop. And you try to brush the poop stains out, but you can't! You can't get poop stains out! I believe I've made my point.

A valid point. Time, I believe, works the same way.