LET'S WORK ON YOUR GAME DESCRIPTIONS!

Posts

Deckiller
Just a random RMNer once again.
18046
Let's work on your game descriptions!

What the heck is this?
This is a centralized location for users who need help with proofreading, expanding, clarifying, or marking up their game descriptions. It's meant for denied submissions, but I'm fine with anyone posting their description for feedback. I'll try to help with feedback, and hopefully others will as well :)

Game descriptions are one of the first things prospective players will see. The description will help make or break a first impression, and we all know how important and long lasting first impressions can be. If our descriptions are lackluster or misleading, it will lead to no downloads or angry players. Both are bad. Likewise, poorly written game descriptions will turn people off, especially in games as dialogue intensive as RPGs: a poorly written description is often a sign of a poorly written game! Simply put, we need to make sure they're polished and informative! We want to show that we care about our games, and that starts with how we describe them.

This also gives native English speakers the chance to help those who are non-native. It would suck to miss out on a good game because the English isn't where it needs to be, especially if it's elegantly written in the creator's native tongue. Personally, I've taken one foreign language in my life (Spanish) and I can tell you upfront: everyone's English is far better than my Spanish. And as an aside, many non-native English writers are better than their native counterparts.

What do I do?
If your submission was denied due to the description: post it here and wait for feedback! It's up to you to implement suggested changes. When you're confident in your revamped description, resubmit the game page!

If you want to help people: Just post your feedback and be considerate! You could list issues and suggested changes, or perhaps post a rewritten version for the user. Whatever floats your boat.

I may make an achievement for those who help X amount of game descriptions. Stay tuned for that.
BurningTyger
Hm i Wonder if i can pul somethi goff here/
1289
I'll definitely keep an eye on this section ans I believe I can be of help.
I might help with this, haha..I'm sort of a grammar hyena(wtf?) when it comes to games. o-o

@Tyger *and :x
Deckiller
Just a random RMNer once again.
18046
Sounds good, guys! Thanks for offering to keep track.
Marrend
Guardian Angel of the Description Thread
17400
Sounds like something I could do.
If I may be the first, would anyone be willing to proofread and/or help with my game's description? It's already been here for a long time now, but wondering if it needs updated or redone better or what.

http://rpgmaker.net/games/3758/

(I figured it'd be easier to just post the game page itself instead of the entire description in this case. Dunno if you guys want me to do that or not).
Marrend
Guardian Angel of the Description Thread
17400
author=Xenomic
If I may be the first, would anyone be willing to proofread and/or help with my game's description? It's already been here for a long time now, but wondering if it needs updated or redone better or what.

http://rpgmaker.net/games/3758/

(I figured it'd be easier to just post the game page itself instead of the entire description in this case. Dunno if you guys want me to do that or not).


With the second paragraph (Okay, it's technically the third paragraph, but I'm not counting the note at the top about where the download can be found.), I somehow get the sense that there is more Final Fantasy than Touhou, in this game. I dunno. Maybe that's just me. As for the paragraph on story, I don't detect any issues.
Might be the way that I described it using a lot of elements from Final Fantasy (which it does, but there's still plenty of Touhou. Just no bullet hell stuff going on and whatnot).
A few of the final fantasy have grammer issues granted my favorite game has many. But it's not a crazy amount of it but enougn to notice suikoden 2 used can go for hundreds of dollars and it's a ps1 game go figure.
This idea sounds wonderful! I'd be happy to give a helping hand as well.


Edit:
@xenomic
In the note, you may want to change the second "this" to "the". Too much repetition of a word doesn't jive well when reading. Usually, the saying goes "wreak havoc" rather than "wreck havoc" which implies the opposite of what you're going for. I would put a comma after the last time you say "Pandora's Box" in the first paragraph of the end note. Second paragraph of end note, you meant to say "similar" not similarly. Second paragraph of end note second sentence, you may want to put "Some" before "various", and change "includes" to "include" then put a colon after the "include" since you are beginning a list. Third sentence of the second paragraph of the end note, you should put a colon after "including". And to be even more nitpicky, it's not correct to write "4" instead of four.

There's probably more really little stuff, and know that despite the, uh, larger than expected critique, the writing was acceptable regardless. These are mainly nitpicks.
author=Thunderous Satellite
Summons a satellite and shoot thunder beam at a
certain enemy.

Should it be thunder or thunderous? And is there supposed to be an "s" after "shoot"? :P

author=Burst Fire
Shoots a fireball which then burst into flames at
an enemy.

Not sure how to describe this skill any better... XD
LockeZ
I'd really like to get rid of LockeZ. His play style is way too unpredictable. He's always like this too. If he ran a country, he'd just kill and imprison people at random until crime stopped.
5173
Yes, the first one should be: "Summons a satellite and shoots a lightning beam at an enemy." Saying "a certain enemy" doesn't really mean anything in this situation. Thunder is the sound that comes after lightning, and is often used when naming things that are related to lightning, but it isn't what the beam is made of. The beam's made of lightning. "Thunderous" actually just means "really loud and sudden" but is a good pun. The skill name is fine, but calling it a "thunder beam" in the description doesn't make a lot of sense.

That's assuming the player shoots the beam. If the satellite shoots the beam, it should say "Summons a satellite to shoot a lightning beam at an enemy."



If I just fixed the grammar in the second one, it would be: "Shoots a fireball which then causes an enemy to burst into flames." But a somewhat better description would be "Ignites an enemy with a fireball."
author=LockeZ
Yes, the first one should be: "Summons a satellite and shoots a lightning beam at an enemy." Saying "a certain enemy" doesn't really mean anything in this situation. Thunder is the sound that comes after lightning, and is often used when naming things that are related to lightning, but it isn't what the beam is made of. The beam's made of lightning. "Thunderous" actually just means "really loud and sudden" but is a good pun. The skill name is fine, but calling it a "thunder beam" in the description doesn't make a lot of sense.

That's assuming the player shoots the beam. If the satellite shoots the beam, it should say "Summons a satellite to shoot a lightning beam at an enemy."



If I just fixed the grammar in the second one, it would be: "Shoots a fireball which then causes an enemy to burst into flames." But a somewhat better description would be "Ignites an enemy with a fireball."

We need a love button. :D Thank you. ;)

author=C-Flasher
Punches the ground and sends multiple energy balls
at the enemies.

author=Spear Tornado
Creates a tornado using the spear and damages all
enemies.

And these, too. :)
author=Mr_Detective
We need a love button. :D
N-no way..I was "just" thinking we needed a like button. o-o (Weird, lol~)
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
I had been wondering why nobody had even bothered to reply to this topic after a few days, so I commend Xenomic for being willing to be the first to accept the feedback on their game description as well as MrDetective for asking for help later. It does take some courage and willingness to accept criticism to do so.

As an experienced gameplayer, I find it is quite annoying to find games with poorly written narration and dialogue, regardless of how well the other elements that go into the game are (obviously, if many of these are also bad, they could easily lead to me raqequitting playing it), since I expect a certain level of writing quality.

Having a well written game description seems a good place to start, given that, as Deckiller has already pointed out, writing there is likely to reflect what can be expected in the actual game and it could affect whether a reader chooses to subscribe or download the game.

My expectation is that anything written should have good spelling (this also means no typos) and correct grammar. It should also be interesting, informative, clear and concise.

I suggest running the description through a Spelling and Grammar check in Word, which ought to take care of most typos, spelling mistakes, double words, and some obvious grammar mistakes. Better yet, is to have someone you trust and know as a good writer in English read it and suggest their changes. I do hope more of you take advantage of the help being offered here!
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
author=Xenomic
If I may be the first, would anyone be willing to proofread and/or help with my game's description? It's already been here for a long time now, but wondering if it needs updated or redone better or what.

http://rpgmaker.net/games/3758/

(I figured it'd be easier to just post the game page itself instead of the entire description in this case. Dunno if you guys want me to do that or not).

As requested, I have a revised version your game description. Since it contains quite a few changes, please feel free to ask me in this topic about any of the changes I am suggesting (sorry but if I justified all the changes point by point I would have a very large wall of text here!). Overall, I would say that your original is actually quite decent, but could be a little bit more clear and concise, here and there, as Gourd_Clae pointed out. Also, I would appreciate what you think of my revision. Here it goes (NOTE the BOLD, was that a typo in the original?):

***NOTE***

The links for the game download, constantly updated bugfixes, and, information about game installation issues are further down in this description.

***END NOTE***

Gensokyo ... a land full of long forgotten creatures and magic. Many a day has gone by peacefully in this land separated from the outside world, until one day a mystical artifact known as the Pandora's Box arrives and begins to wreak havoc across the land. If unstopped, then all that exists will cease to exist. Join Reimu and her friends on a quest to defeat the entities of the Pandora's Box and save their beloved land from the forces of chaos!

This game uses a style similar to the Final Fantasy series, incorporating a vast amount of abilities, monsters and ideas from the Final Fantasy universe, while retaining the essence of the Touhou main series. Aspects of the Final Fantasy series incorporated into the game include:

- the Blue Magic system,
- Gil Toss,
- Scan,
- Steal,
- Chakra in-battle,
- a Skill System similar to that found in Final Fantasy II,
- character classes such as the Black Mage and Knight.

This game also incorporates ideas from other game series such as Legend of Zelda, Valkyrie Profile and Super Mario RPG. Players can control up to 4 characters at a time in any given battle and have access to as many as 30 playable characters, several which are optional.

You can find the patches and beta link here:

For the Game files: http://www.mediafire.com/?byjispawcmaak

CommandRTP (Run RPG Maker games without installing the game or RTP package): http://rpgmaker.net/engines/rm2k3/utilities/5/

***April 8, 2013***

Update Patch 1.102: http://www.mediafire.com/?niscck8vctm1blg
Updated Music Pack (for Patch 1.100): http://www.mediafire.com/?f1ifxwib7phr55z

***NOTE! Get the Touhou Fantasy.rar file first, then get the latest update patch and apply it to the main directory for Touhou Fantasy. Afterwards, you'll want the music files (if you don't want to download extra music, get just the vanilla pack, otherwise get all music files), found at Touhou Fantasy Files > Touhou Fantasy Music Packs. Finally, CommandRTP must be run first before playing the game if you do not have RPG Maker installed on your computer or have never played a RPG Maker game before.***
edchuy
You the practice of self-promotion
1624
author=Mr_Detective
author=LockeZ
Yes, the first one should be: "Summons a satellite and shoots a lightning beam at an enemy." Saying "a certain enemy" doesn't really mean anything in this situation. Thunder is the sound that comes after lightning, and is often used when naming things that are related to lightning, but it isn't what the beam is made of. The beam's made of lightning. "Thunderous" actually just means "really loud and sudden" but is a good pun. The skill name is fine, but calling it a "thunder beam" in the description doesn't make a lot of sense.

That's assuming the player shoots the beam. If the satellite shoots the beam, it should say "Summons a satellite to shoot a lightning beam at an enemy."



If I just fixed the grammar in the second one, it would be: "Shoots a fireball which then causes an enemy to burst into flames." But a somewhat better description would be "Ignites an enemy with a fireball."
We need a love button. :D Thank you. ;)

author=C-Flasher
Punches the ground and sends multiple energy balls
at the enemies.


author=Spear Tornado
Creates a tornado using the spear and damages all
enemies.


And these, too. :)


- For the Thunder skill, I agree with what LockeZ said.
- For the Fire skill, I suggest "Shoots a fireball that ignites/burns/scorches an enemy".
- For the C-Flasher skill, you need your description to answer whether the multiple balls sent, are one or more per enemy, and, whether their targets are random or not.
- For Spear Tornado, I would say "Uses the spear to create a tornado targeting all enemies"
Yeah, that looks nice. It's got a few issues though. Like, the "is" after "issues" in the note would be an "are" I would think. And I'm fairly certain that you don't put a comma before the "and" at the end of a list. I'm not sure if you need the commas when you put the list in a bullet form, though it does look better like that and I don't believe it matters either way.
You guys are awesome, just sayin'
author=edchuy
- For the Thunder skill, I agree with what LockeZ said.
- For the Fire skill, I suggest "Shoots a fireball that ignites/burns/scorches an enemy".
- For the C-Flasher skill, you need your description to answer whether the multiple balls sent, are one or more per enemy, and, whether their targets are random or not.
- For Spear Tornado, I would say "Uses the spear to create a tornado targeting all enemies"

Hey, Kentona? We need a love button for this guy, too. :D

author=Me
Hm... Let's see... Which way is the
school located at?

I am thinking about changing this to: "Hm, let's see... Which way is the school located at?" :D