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Apparently my first completed game, Homework RPG, was denied because of the description. Any ideas on how I could make it better? I can wait take your time.
This game is about the main character Brady, aka Main Character, trying to do his
homework RPG style. Even though it is short, its still fun and features side battles
using yanfly's scripts. This game has health bars, custom enemy designs, and cats. Also, the names of the stats are changed and there are 2 weapons. There are also 2
items. You cannot get any additional party members on your team. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes I made and feedback is greatly appreciated. Like I said earlier, this game is very short, it will probably take only 2 minutes to complete. Enjoy![/h
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
Well, for one thing, Blade, you could tell us about the game! I mean, sure, the game is about Brady doing his homework, not how it's accomplished "in the style of an RPG". What does that even mean? Mini-games with contextual button-presses? Virtual battles with <insert_subject_here> problems?

Okay, I wasn't reading this well. There's a small blurb about the game having health bars, and custom enemy designs. So, the virtual battles with <insert_school_subject_here> could be a thing. Is it the only thing? What other gameplay mechanics are involved?
The only other gameplay you do is walking around the house after the second battle finding stuff to make homework easier.
*edit*
I changed the description do you think this is better?
This game, made using RPG Maker VX Ace, is about the main character Brady, aka Main Character, trying to do his homework RPG style. Even though it is short, its still fun and features side battles using yanfly's scripts. This game has health bars,custom enemy designs, and cats. Instead of basic RPG stats like Attack and Health, I changed the stat names to make it to things like Brain Power and Willpower to make it more like doing homework. There's also a part where you walk around and find stuff to make homework easier. I hope you enjoy this humorous game involving homework.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
@kenjivn14: We cannot see a gamepage that has not been accepted! Copy-paste the description into this thread, and we can go from there.
author=Edjie
The Contract : TruthThe remake of "The Contract" in RPG Maker VX

Platform : RPG Maker VX ACE
Genre: RPG - Fantasy

Download Here :
Without RTP : https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2nmotYgne8HSFlxNWVJY2gxam8/view
RTP : https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2nmotYgne8HeGh4Y3pUUnVvbDQ/view

*Content Rating : Mature.

1) Introduction:
Welcome to my topic, everyone! My name is Edjie. I will introduce you my 1st game in RPG Maker VX ACE : The Contract. This game is a remake of The Contract in RPG Maker VX (Original series). I'm not satisfied with the original series, because it's filled with a lot of grammar error (English is my second language, and my english was really that bad!). It's my full dedication to make The Contract again from the beginning, if you've played my game in RPG Maker VX, please give me support!

2) Story/Setting/Purpose :
The game takes place in the Futuristic Mainland, there are two major Kingdoms in the Mainland, The Telasian and The Aradian. The Telasian Kingdom is a small, yet extremely well-developed kingdom, The Telasian Kingdom can produce powerful and futuristic tools. However, the Telasian lacks of human resources. Aradian is a big country with plenty of natural and human resources.
To balance the issue, the two Kingdoms agreed to form a relationship and they were coming along very well, until the recent issue, about the ban on the imports of the Telasian's product to the Aradian. Which brings a conflict among the two.

You play as a young girl named Castelya, she's the daughter of the current trade minister of the Telasian. She has been destined to be the next current minister of trade. However, no one knows that she will be involved much further than that.

3) Characters :
A. Castelya
You play as her. She's a daughter of the current trade minister of Telasian Kingdom. She has been destined to be the next minister of trade. She's cheerful, energetic, and a spoiled girl.
Abilities : She is fairly balanced. She can heal. She hits hard.

B. Gray
A sworn protector of Castelya's family. He's a gentle axeman and he's willing to protect Castelya at all costs!
Abilities : The defender of your team. He has lots of HP and able to withstand most of physical attacks, but be aware ... he's very much fragile when he receives elemental attacks.

C. Sujin
A brash and hot-headed youngster. He's skilled with bows.
Abilities : The fastest of the team. Make sure to use his agility for your advantage. He is fairly weak, however, his skills are mostly conditional, and would give you a chance to win some challenging bosses.

D. Olive
Childhood friend of Sujin. She easily gets nervous, but she's a caring woman. And She's skilled in healing, which is useful in our journey.
Abilities : The healer of your team. She heals party members, cures all ailments. Should be protected at all costs.

4) Features :
- A story driven-game.
- A Huge world to explore.
- Over 100 types of monsters and bosses.
- 90% custom battle animations made by me and some people in this community.
- Sideview Battle System (Battle Engine Symphony).
- 3 difficulties to choose : Casual, Normal, and Brutal!
- 15-20 hours gameplay. (depends on your difficulty)
- Endgame content worth of 5-7 hours of gameplay.
- Minigames.


5) Question and Answer :

Q : When the game will be released?
A : Already released as of 8th December 2014

Q : Where's the original version?
A : I made this game in 2008 in RPG Maker VX, but it was not good enough because I made a lot of grammar mistakes in the original version. I'm planning to remake the game but I don't have the unencrypted files too. After I realize that VX ACE has better feature than VX, I'll do the remake in VX ACE instead.

Q : Is there a sequel?
A : Hard to answer... It depends on the popularity of this game.

Q : Can I download the Original Version (VX Version)?
A : A big NO. The game thread has been removed and if you find a game link, do not distribute that!

Q : This game is too easy!
A : Play the Brutal Mode.

Q : I can't defeat the enemies! The Brutal Mode is too hard!!
A : That's your fault. Enjoy your stay at Brutal Mode.

Q : Your english skill sucks!
A : English is not my first language. Even though I've honed my English skill, I will always make some mistakes (definitely).
If you see any typos or grammar error, you can tell me and provide a screenshot.
Anyway, "Endless Gaming Studio" will help me to proofread the dialogue, well, the game should be playable once the betatest is finished.

Q : I need help for the endgame content! What are the Quests???
A : I'm planning to make a guide regarding the endgame-content, later.


That's all for now!
Edjie


The submission is denied, it says : description needs a lot of work. Please help. Thanks in advance.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
@Edjie: My first thought is to take out the Q&A section entirely. Maybe put it in a separate tab once the game page exists. The other thing I'm noticing is the weird capitalization and grammatical structure in your story section. It should probably look more like...

The game takes place on a land, where two major kingdoms reside. The Telasian kingdom is a small nation in both size and populace, but has far superior technology. Aradian, on the other hand, is a larger nation with plenty of natural and human resources. These two kingdoms agreed to form an alliance to balance their economy and societies. However, a ban on certain Telasian imports creates a conflict.

You play as Castelya, the daughter of the current Minister of Trade for the Telasians. As a generational position, she would become the next Minister of Trade after her father dies. How involved will she be in deciding these issues?


...though, saying that, I think it could still use a bit more work. Like, maybe this is just me talking, but, why have it be in question how involved she is? How about allowing this to be a test for her worthiness to take up her father's place for instance?
Hello, I'm here to ask for advice, since my submission was denied due to the description needing a bit of work. So... yeah. Here is what I've got so far.

author=Myself
In the vein of shoot-em ups like Touhou or oldies like Life Force, but maybe a little too deviated of that... anyway! This is Orlyrinthum.

Orloff enters to the labyrinth of the Sifrita, a place where is told that the greatest treasures are hidden, along with the power to make a reality your most valuable desire. Greed makes our hero to enter this sacred yet unknown place, and so the story unfolds.

CONTROLS.

Directional Keys - Move character
Z/X - Sword / shield
Space / Escape - Accept / Cancel

CREDITS.

Incompetech - Music
BFXR - Sound generator
Graphics and programming - Orochii Zouveleki
Story and support - Meenfrenzy
Testing - White Wolf

Thanks for all!

I can give it some formatting, but other than that I don't have a clue of what to do. Specially the "story" section, where I'm pretty sure I screwed it up or something.

Thanks in advance.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
Maybe talking a bit on how it deviates on the formula of the Touhou games, or whatever, would help? I'm vaguely aware that Touhou thrives on difficulty, so, that could be a difference right there. I'm not too familiar with Life Force, so I cannot comment on that.

Anyway, my take on that story might look something more like...

The labyrinth of the Sifirita. It is a sacred place of wonder, mystery, and great treasure. Rumors abound that it holds a power to make one's most valuable desires a reality. Thus, driven by sheer greed, Orloff sets his sights on the maze.

...or something like that.
Well right now i am totally clueless how to write an acceptable game description. I resubmitted the game 3 times and every resubmit i expanded the text and the game pictures with mapping ones. Now the status is still Denied.

Here is the full text:

Story:

The game is about a letter written by Zane's father. His father did not tell him what he had written to the letter but put away, claiming that it the time will come when he get it. Zane did not resist so he had to wait nine years to get mysterious letter. He gave a simple name to the letter: "The Legacy." Meanwhile, Zane is informed about that the best fighters are disappearing without a trace during a tournament. After knowing that he decide to investigate it by himself. However, he is strongly hindered by his mother who can not stand if her son is in trouble. However, later Zane was authorized to participate in the tournament, though not of her mother own volition.

Main Characters:

Zane: A young swordman who like adventures and kill some monster in the nearest forest. His life is changed after he got the letter.

Berry:She is a good fighter who know many martial art skill and Zane's childhood friend. She follow him whereever he goes although she doesn't get much attention from his friend. Also very careful about Zane.

Tatsuki:22 year old man who well-skilled in using blades and have some useful skill and learn more as the game process. However Berry and Zane meet his accidentally....

Natalie:One of the best mage around the world. She is hiding in a cave for unknown reasons and she often visit the tournament to have some mischief. In fact she doesn't intend to hurt anyone due to his good magic skills what are surpass even the best fighter's technique. She hardly join to the team.

Main enemies:

Leon:A fairly serious person who don't like weakness and want immediate sulotions about his plan. He is the main organizer of the tournament. Have some pretty destructive skill so watch out...

Zio:The youngest member of the team. He doesn't like fight however at certain time he show off his knowledge. He deliver the letters for Leon.

Ryzardus:Middle aged man with great IQ who does some new
invention especially develop weapons. And their weapons are surpass everything....no joke.

Shadow:A mysterious man whose body is covered in full "darkness" and only his eyes can be seen. Not much know about him. He is after Zane and his friends and he make them some annoying traps. Physical weapons are useless against him...

Gameplay: Around 10-15 hours

Places where you (will) go:
- Villages
- Woods
- Futuristic places

Game size:~ 40 MB

NOTICE:
This is my first ever published and completed rpg game. And i must notice that my native language is Hungary and my English isn't the best. So don't blame me if there any grammatical mistakes. I tried my best....

There is a short video about the intro.
**There should be the video**

The game is completed but only translated 15% into English. The remain part is left Hungarian. Thanks for review and commenting.

**Description end**

So what is your opinion? Thanks for any help!
There's a lot of grammatical errors, and I think the writing can be more... engaging.

I tried re-writing the story a bit, here:
Zane's father did not tell him what he had written to the letter. His father told him to put away, claiming that he'll receive it when the right time comes. His father gave a simple name to the letter: "The Legacy", and he waited patiently for nine years to get it. Meanwhile, news spread that the best fighters are disappearing without a trace during a tournament. Zane wanted to investigate it, but his mother stopped him, not wanting for her son to get hurt. Zane did not listen, and entered the tournament anyway.

As for the descriptions, I tried not to change it too much:
Main Characters:Zane: A young swordsman who likes adventures and killing some monsters in the nearest forest. His life changed after he got the letter.

Berry:She is a good fighter who knows many martial art skills, and Zane's childhood friend. She follow him wherever he goes, although she doesn't get much attention from her friend. She's very caring to Zane.

Tatsuki:22 year old man who is a master of blades and various secret techniques. Berry and Zane met him accidentally.

Natalie:One of the best mages in the world. She is hiding in a cave for unknown reasons, and she often visits the tournament to cause some mischief. She doesn't intend to hurt anyone, despite of her good magic skills that surpass even the best fighter's technique. She hardly joins any teams.

Main enemies:

Leon:A fairly serious person who don't like weakness and wants immediate solutions about his plan. He is the main organizer of the tournament.

Zio:The youngest member of the team. He doesn't like fighting. However, he possesses immense knowledge that he uses in tough situations. He deliver the letters for Leon.

Ryzardus:An intelligent, middle aged man with who has a knack for inventing new weapons.

Shadow:A mysterious man whose body is covered in full "darkness" and only his eyes can be seen. Not much know about him. He is after Zane and his friends, and he makes them some annoying traps. Mere weapons are useless against him.
CashmereCat
Self-proclaimed Puzzle Snob
11638
karins, your description has a lot of grammatical errors too, lol.

author=Gyula
Story:Zane's father wrote him a letter in secrecy, and put it away, claiming that when the time comes, he will understand. Zane did not resist. He waited nine years before reading the mysterious letter, which was simply titled: "The Legacy". Meanwhile, Zane has been informed that the best fighters in the tournament are disappearing without a trace. He decides to conduct a solo investigation. However he is strongly hindered by his mother, who can't stand if he's in trouble. Zane has been authorized to participate in the tournament, though not of his mother's volition.

Main Characters:

Zane: A young swordsman who likes adventures and kills monsters in the nearby forest. His life was changed after he received the letter.

Berry: A good fighter who is skillful at martial arts, and is Zane's childhood friend. She follows him wherever he goes, although she doesn't get much attention from his friend. She is also very protective of Zane.

Tatsuki: A 22-year-old man, well-skilled in using blades, but forever learning. Berry and Zane meet Tatsuki purely by accident...

Natalie: One of the best mages in the world. She hides in a cave and often visits the tournament to cause mischief. She often hurts people without realizing, due to her freakishly high magic skills that surpass even the best of fighter's techniques.

Main enemies:

Leon: A fairly serious person who dislikes weakness, and prefers immediate solutions. He is the main organizer of the tournament. He has some pretty destructive skills, so watch out...

Zio: The youngest member of the team. He doesn't like fighting, however at certain times he likes to show off his knowledge. He delivers letters for Leon.

Ryzardus: A middle aged man with a high IQ who likes to invent new things, especially weapons. His weapons surpass everything... no joke.

Shadow:A mysterious man whose body is covered in full darkness and only his eyes can be seen. Not much is known about him. He is after Zane and his friends, and he makes them some annoying traps. Physical weapons are useless against him...

Gameplay: Around 10-15 hours

Places where you will go:
- Villages
- Woods
- Futuristic places

Game size:~ 40 MB

NOTICE:
This is my first ever published and completed RPG. My native language is Hungarian and my English isn't the best. So don't blame me if there any grammatical mistakes. I tried my best....

Here is a short video showing the intro.
**There should be the video**

The game is completed but only translated 15% into English. The remaining part is left Hungarian. Thanks for reviewing and commenting.


Also... it's only 15% English? I wonder why part of it is English and part of it is Hungarian. Surely you'd go with one or the other... oh well. If you end up translating it to English, then I might be happy to help proofread it to make sure it has no mistakes. Cheers.
author=Marrend
@Edjie: My first thought is to take out the Q&A section entirely. Maybe put it in a separate tab once the game page exists. The other thing I'm noticing is the weird capitalization and grammatical structure in your story section. It should probably look more like...

The game takes place on a land, where two major kingdoms reside. The Telasian kingdom is a small nation in both size and populace, but has far superior technology. Aradian, on the other hand, is a larger nation with plenty of natural and human resources. These two kingdoms agreed to form an alliance to balance their economy and societies. However, a ban on certain Telasian imports creates a conflict.

You play as Castelya, the daughter of the current Minister of Trade for the Telasians. As a generational position, she would become the next Minister of Trade after her father dies. How involved will she be in deciding these issues?

...though, saying that, I think it could still use a bit more work. Like, maybe this is just me talking, but, why have it be in question how involved she is? How about allowing this to be a test for her worthiness to take up her father's place for instance?

No notifications, Doh...

I didn't tell the whole part, it would spoil the game. If someone already knows a half part of the story, there is no more reason to play the game.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Cashmere > Yeah, sorry about that. Must've been real drowsy then. It was around 2am when I wrote that ;p

Edit: *checks time* wait, I wrote that at 7am? What the heck is happening to me..
author=karins_soulkeeper
There's a lot of grammatical errors, and I think the writing can be more... engaging.

I tried re-writing the story a bit, here:


Thanks for your support and re-write.

author=CashmereCat
Also... it's only 15% English? I wonder why part of it is English and part of it is Hungarian. Surely you'd go with one or the other... oh well. If you end up translating it to English, then I might be happy to help proofread it to make sure it has no mistakes. Cheers.


Only 15% because i don't know how it will work out. I mean upload a game with a lot of grammatical mistakes isn't worth. And i have no help. I do the translation total alone. I would be very glad if you really help me proofread. It surely be a HUGE help and you will be on the staff list if one day this game will be 100% translated into English.
By the way thanks for your inquiry and re-write.
Cap_H
DIGITAL IDENTITY CRISIS
6625
Hi, I guess I need help after all. Please, can you tell me what is wrong? Is ti just my english or even the structure of my description,
thanks for any comments.

Let me introduce you the World of Panai. Land of many. Land with multiple continents and countless islands. Massive steps inhabitated by fearsome Mongols. Tropical Islands full of savages.
All we need to know for our story is small part of the world called simply Mainland. It’s just small piece of the bigger whole of the central continent.
On the West coast lays old town o Redton. Folks are unhappy with the local feudal rule. Tyranny of high taxes and taken privileges. Under the Lead of their Mayor, townsfolk are ready to raise their fists.
The second town lays on the east coast. It’s real name is Tatra. Led by criminals, It is better known as Evil Town.
Mountains and Swamps are between these two. It is where two mighty factions of magic users struggle in never ending war.
Close to the shores lay two Islands. First, The Sunny Island, is home to our hero. The second, The Volcano Island, is covered by the great city of Mogchester.


Characters and Story
Karen is the protagonist. She is an young woman in search of her long lost father. Lately, her mother heard a rumour, he was in the dungeon, large prison in the middle of the Volcano Island.
Old family friend Dungeon, is known for being the only person who ever escaped from there. He is our second hero.
To finish their journey, they need the help of Ab, former Crimelord. She was the one, who turned Tatra in Evil Town.
On their voyage they will encounter many characters such as Magus Kentona of the Tower, Witch Queen Shensetta, famous painter Yuna or rebelious Mayor Joseph Seraph.

Features
-Game is built purely upon resouces made for M.O.G. Creation event.
-Other limitation is the time limit.
-Story-focused as there are no battles.
-It will have multiple endings based on several decisions during the gameplay.
-Over twenty maps including World Map.
-Great soundtrack from Shensetta and KoopaKush

Goal
I want to finish the project before deadline. I want it to be good looking, with working mechanics and story, which does make sense.
Marrend
Guardian of the Description Thread
20932
My major issue is the formatting. Because you're front-loading the description with a geography lesson, you're probably going to loose the player's interest before they even get to the story section (and maybe recognize a few of the names from RMN).

You know your game better than I do, but, it seems to me that this game is really about Karen's journey from the Emerald Isle to Vulcania (excuse the references). Maybe she bumps into some Tatran scum along the way (This might also be how she meets with Dungeon (Is that actually his name?) and Ab.), and she has to cross the badlands before she even sees Volcano Island (again, excuse the references). Or... something like that. In other words, tell us about the journey itself, not the sights that she might see.
Cap_H
DIGITAL IDENTITY CRISIS
6625
Thanks for respond, so it's mostly about the structure. It is probably confusing naming character and final location same. Also as I progress through development his position is not as important as I thought it would be.
Hi there! My game was denied because "Description needs a little fixing". Can anyone help me with that?

Here's what I've posetd:

Akage

Story:
A group of unknown bandits, led by the mysterious man in mask, burnt to the ground a certain village, as a proof of threat they possess to the king. But they have made a critical mistake along the way - they've burnt Akage's house. Now she's out for revenge, and no matter how hard one will try to get away, he never will.

Characte'r Bio:
Akage - Her past is unknown, but her skill with the sword suggests years of training.

Credits:
*Graphics*
Faces
Gyakushuu 5 by ANIM
Windowskin by ♥SOURCE♥

*Scripts*
Ace Core Engine v1.09 by Yanfly Engine Ace
CSCA Difficulty System and CSCA Light Effects by Casper Gaming
Sapphire Action System IV by Khas Arcthunder
Multiple Fogs by Woratana and Necromus
Message Busts by Galv
Sleek Item Popup v1.13 by V.M of D.T
Mana Stones Enchants 1.6 by Falcao

The rest is a default RPG Maker VX Ace RTP.


Features:
- Sapphire Action System IV
- 4 Difficulty Levels
- Mana Stones Enchantment System
- Endless flow of loot
- Unencrypted Game